Very few of us (who have not been totally cut off from civilisation and Dr Phil) who are in relationships have not taken on board that in order for us to live  “happily ever after”, a certain amount of ongoing work needs to be done on the relationship.

However, it is often far from clear what this actually entails!

I have seen many unhappy and disenchanted couples who arrive on my doorstep when their relationship is already on life support. How did they get to be this way, I wonder? What happened over the years to totally change the way they now see each other – as adversaries rather than lovers?

So what can couples do to prevent this decline?

Looking after our relationships is quite similar, it seems, to taking care of our finances.

I will use the analogy of the monthly budget. Some individuals, as soon as they get their monthly pay cheque, will spend it as soon as it hits their bank account, while other more mindful and careful spenders, will make sure that they have sufficient money for the month, being constantly aware of how long it will be before the coffers are replenished, and they will never allow themselves to reach the point where their account is bone dry! They will also regularly invest a certain proportion for a rainy day and for their retirement.

How does this relate to couples? Emotional goodwill in relationships is similar to currency. When partners consistently demonstrate to each other that they have their spouses’ back – that they are there for each other emotionally in times of need.  John Gottman speaks of the “emotional bank account” in a relationship.

Therefore, from this perspective, to “work on your relationship”, couples need to take the time to really understand what makes their partner “tick” as accurate empathy for your partner is only really possible if you truely know, and “get” your partner.

When you consistently show this support and caring, the goodwill balance in your relationship account will remain in significantly

in the black.

And when inevitable problems and arguements arise between you both, you will be in a much better position to weather the storm ( and economic recessions) with your relationship intact!

Yesterday I conducted a stress management workshop for a group of Grade 11 and 12 learners. They were saying that they are feeling a great deal of stress and pressure at this stage because of their work-load and the thought of the upcoming exams.

I wish I could talk to all other learners and students out there about the importance of keeping their thoughts focused and not to dwell on the possibility that they might not do well! I use the analogy of the trapeze artist on the high-wire. If he/she allows him/herself to think that they might fall, this will probably happen (it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy).

It is therefore crucial for students to monitor their thinking and alter their thoughts if they notice themselves becoming negative.  A pattern of “what-if ” thinking, for example “What if I can’t answer the questions in the paper and I fail” should therefore be banished and replaced by thoughts such as “I will do the best I can”. These ideas come from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). “What-if”"thinking, if not controlled, can lead to runaway feelings of anxiety and stress.

I also spoke to the students about the importance of practicing relaxation and mindfulness exercises to help with focus and to calm the mind. It is also essential to pay attention to one’s body and health at times of pressure and stress – to eat well, exercise and to get sufficient sleep.

By keeping your stress levels in a zone that is optimal for you by doing the above, you will be well prepared, physically and psychologically, for the road ahead. All you will need to add to this recipe for success is a great deal of focused study!

Please contact me if you have any questions about the above or any other aspect of stress management.

Don’t allow your stress to run away with you in the build up to the examinations!

If you are a student I am sure that you are thinking a great deal about the forthcoming examinations! As a your future rests on getting good results the thought of the exams will be causing you some degree of stress!

Of course we all cope with stress in different ways and with varying degrees of success. Some of us have trouble sleeping whilst others suffer from anxiety, feelings of panic or physical ailments such as headaches and back pain.

If stress levels are too high or stress becomes chronic, it can seriously affect memory. Brain science has determined exactly why that is and how it works. However, all we need to know about this is that hormones and neurotransmitters that are released during the stress response (also called the “fight or flight” response) can block memory formation and retrieval. This is responsible for the common situation of “going blank” during an exam.

It is therefore imperative that students and learners take on board the essential knowledge and skills to enable them to gain control of their stress. These include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), relaxation training, visualisation and mindfulness training.

I will be presenting a workshop entitled “Preparing yourself for the Exams” in Claremont, Cape Town, On Saturday morning the 17th September. The workshop is open to Grade 11s and 12s and to students.

For more information about the workshop, please contact us.

Best wishes with your exam preparation!

Now that spring has arrived, we all tend to think about getting our bodies into shape and some of us even get motivated to do

a bit of spring cleaning!

At this time of year we often start to feel a personal sense of renewed optimism and purpose  - however, it is important not to overlook your relationship when doing your general overhaul – does it need a breathe of fresh air too?!

How can you accurately judge the current health of your relationship? (unfortunately we can often be in denial about this important issue).

Ask yourself (and your partner) the following questions:

* How good is your communication currently – can you talk openly and from the heart about yourself and your feelings to your partner?

* Are you caring, supportive and non-judgemental with each other?

* Can you have constructive arguements without resorting to criticism, avoidance and name-calling?

* Are you on the same wave-length emotionally?

* Do you enjoy each other’s company and do you regularly have fun together?

If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, it is probably a good time to get a relationship tune-up!

During September we are offering a special 4  ninety minute session package for couples in Wynberg, Cape Town

Feel free to Contact us for more information!