Or more accurately:

Are you allowing your cellphone usage to seriously detract from your quality of life?

Consider the following scenarios:

1. A couple are sitting in a dimly lit, cosy restaurant. Everything is perfect and the stage is set for a wonderful, intimate night out. However, both partners are texting furiously in their cellphones, oblivious to their surroundings and to each other.
2. A young couple are sitting under umbrellas at the pool of an upmarket hotel. It is a perfect day, the sun is shining and their two young children are playing in the paddling pool a few metres away. Quality family time? Well no, because both are fixated on their respective small screens.
3. A man and his dog are having some bonding time at the beach. The sand is white, the sun is warm, the sea looks inviting but what is happening? The man is lost to the moment and his dog is sitting in front of him looking dejected. What a shame!

So why do we do this to ourselves and what is the impact on our lives as a result?

We tend to feel that we are being so productive and are being so well connected by being on facebook etc, yet what is often happening is that we are totally missing out on the special moments in our real lives!

Time and again, in my psychology practice, I am told of how some aspect of cellphone usage has  led to something bad happening,  either for an individual or for a couple in their relationship.

What are the top contenders?

For individuals:

• Not being able to "switch-off" in their down-time, causing frustration, resentment and ultimately in burnout.

For couples:

• Often partners find out that their spouse is cheating by finding text messages on his/her cellphone. Cellphones make it much easier to indulge in secret relationships.
• It is easy to get the wrong end of the stick. SMS messages are easy to misconstrue. I suggest to my clients that they restrict SMs communication sharing of information. Anything sensitive or potentially emotion-provoking should be discussed face-to-face to prevent misunderstandings from occuring.
• Unrealistic expectations are built up. When you know your partner has a cellphone on their person at all times it is easy to assume that they will be able to respond to a message from you immediately at any time of the day or night. So when they don't (or can't), the s…t can easily, and habitually, hit the fan!

So what can be done to avoid all the technologically-induced minefields of our own making?

First, I suggest becoming mindful of your own cellphone behaviour. Make changes where necessary. 

If you believe that your partner has a problem in restricting their cellphone usage, bring up the topic diplomatically. Perhaps talk about the upsides of being less cellphone-centred!

If you cannot seem to find the right balance between the virtual and the real or if you are actually obsessed by all things web-based and that life is passing you by  (or your partner believes this about  you), maybe it is time to get some help!

How to succeed at being a good mother-in-law (by really trying!)

Mothers'-in-law tend to have a bad reputation (similar to that of landladies)!

Are mothers'-in-law really so problematic?! I know that I personally had a less than ideal relationship with my own mother-in-law (to put it mildly) and in my individual and couple counselling many of my clients report that relationships with the parents of their spouses can be fraught with problems. However, it was only when I became a mother-in-law in my own right that I found that I could totally sympathise (and empathise) with both roles of daughter, and mother-in-law.

(For the purposes of this article I will stick to the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship as this is, in my opinion, the relationship that tends to be particularly sensitive and potentially problematic. Why would this be the case? It is invariably difficult for a mom-in-law  to accept, after a life-time of being the no.1 woman in her son's life and the one who calls the (domestic) shots in the household , that another woman has now taken up that position (through no fault of her own except that she loves a mother's son!). Where does this leave the mom-in-law? She has to carve out a new niche for herself, and this is where the challenge lies!

 So what do I suggest?

For mothers'- in-law:

First – remind yourself continually  that,  for your child to be happy,  his marriage needs to succeed. Therefore your  role essentially  should  be to facilitate and help to strengthen their mutual  bond. Thus diplomacy and the fostering of  goodwill  between you and your daughter-in-law  should be the order of the day!

Work on accepting your daughter-in-law  wholeheartedly and unconditionally, even if there are aspects  of her personality or behaviour with which you disagree or regard as contrary to your own views, priorities or values.

Try to disinvest from believing that you are right and that you know best, especially when it comes to relationships and to parenting (and grand-parenting).  Wait to be asked for advice rather than providing it unsolicited.

Be supportive and available (within reason) and not overly demanding and needy.  Give your child's relationship with his partner/wife room to breathe!

If your child comes to your for a listening ear or for advice and support when issues arise in his marriage, don't allow this to colour your relationship with your daughter-in-law! Be careful not to voice any criticism of your daughter-in-law as, once they have made up, this may remain "hanging in the air" between you and your son, which won't be good for your relationship either!

For daughters'-in-law:

Understand that the dynamics between you and your mother-in-law can be complicated and in many cases difficult to negotiate. Be sensitive and empathic!

Allow your partner/husband to enjoy one-on-one quality time with his mother if this is important to them both. Their relationship also deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

Mothers and daughters-in-law can be a wonderful source of love and support for one another, especially when there are children to be parented and grandparented. Therefore I believe that every effort should be made on both sides to strengthen this relationship!

What role does money play in your relationship?

Where do you and your partner stand when it comes to money issues?

In order to help you to answer these questions, consider the following questions:

Do you and your partner:

1. See eye-to-eye on financial matters most of the time?

2. Keep details of your personal finances private?

3. Have certain secrets when it comes to your personal finances?

4. Make major financial decisions together?

5. Tend to agree on priorities when it comes to money?

6. Have a shared vision of the future?

7. Battle to agree or compromise when it comes to financial decisions?

If you both answered "yes" to questions 1,4,5 and 6 you and your partner seem to have a healthy approach to financial matters in your relationship. However, if items 2 ,3 and 7 apply to your relationship, money appears to represent  a potential problem and source of conflict between you both.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am advocating total transparency when it comes to financial matters?

This is how I see it:

The majority of unhappy couples who walk through the door of my psychology practice say that they yearn for deeper intimacy with their partner and a more meaningful level of communication yet in many cases they are resistant to the idea of sharing all aspects of their finances with each other. 

How can a couple hope to (re-)establish trust and intimacy in their relationship if they are simultaneously giving their partner the message that he/she is being shut out of a fundamentally important aspect of their partner's life? In addition, how can a couple make informed decisions about their future together if they cannot openly discuss their joint finances together?

it is so important, therefore, to talk to your partner in depth about all aspects related to money and finances as early as possible in your relationship and thereafter on a regular basis so that you can be confident that you are both on the same page when it comes to money matters in your relationship.

Do you need to keep secrets from your partner to hold on to your individuality?

10 March 2013

11:11 AM

I would go as far as to say that communication is the life blood of any health relationship. There are exceptions of course, but then aren't there exceptions to most things?!

So what do you say to a partner who tells you that sharing details of their life will cause him/her to lose him?herself as an individual?

I agree that it is crucial for individuals to retain their uniqueness and their sense of themselves when they are a member of a couple.

 I see so many unhappy clients who tell me that they hardly remember who they once were once they have been in a relationship for some time where they have changed the way they behave and react in fundamental ways in order to satisfy the demands of their partner.  If this makes that person miserable or depressed, I believe that the price of this type of  compromise is (perhaps unacceptably) high.

However, this type of issue  is not the topic of this particular post.

I am referring to couples who are essentially happy but who believe that, in order to stay that way, that they should keep a large portion of themselves private and in this way the relationship will maintain its mystery and excitement.

I believe this to be a myth as relationships cannot develop and deepen without the partners getting to know the person with whom they are sharing their lives. In my view this is the only way in which really intimacy and emotional attunement can be established, which is the bedrock of any fulfilling relationship.

This does not mean, of course, that partners should feel obliged to reveal every last detail of their lives (both past and present) to their significant other. This is a matter of individual choice, to be made in consultation with one's partner. What I am referring to is healthy ongoing communication between partners about themselves, their relationship, their  everyday lives and their hope and dreams for the future. 

I would appreciate your comments…   

Couples: Can your relationship survive a major breach of trust?

In my cinical psychology and mediation practice I see many couples who present for counselling because  their relationship is reeling under the impact of a perceived betrayal, such as infidelity or a failure on the part of one of the partners to 'be there' for their spouse when they have been going through some major (often traumatic) life event, such as a death of a family member or other significant loss, such as their health or their job.

The event or situation in question may not be perceived by the other person as  'a big deal'  for a number of reasons, such as a lack of empathy,( which is often due to the couple being 'out of step' with each other emotionally) and hence to poor and misleading communication patterns.

Strong relationships are built on a foundation of trust and the knowledge that one's spouse will always have your back, no matter what happens. Dr Sue Johnson,  the founder of Emotion-focused Therapy (EFT) for couples states that this is a fundamental need that individuals have when they are involved in a committed relationship). So when a breach of trust occurs the relationship is seriously undermined.

Many couples make the mistake of pushing such events 'under the carpet' and endeavouring to move on with their lives without getting to grips with the issues involved, not realising that there is now a major 'crack' in the foundation of their relationship, which is unlikely to heal with time. (In fact, in many cases, couples will come in to see me years after the breach occurred, when some other issue serves to uncover the original 'breach', which is as emotionally devastating as it ever was (sometimes even more so because it has caused more damage over time because the failure to address it has been perceived as a secondary breach of trust). 

The fundamental question is:

Can a relationship recover from such serious breaches of trust? And if so, how can this be achieved?

I will discuss some possible answers to these questions in my next post. 

If not, what do you need to do in order to get it back on track?

How do you go about evaluating your relationship?

In my psychology practice, I am told my clients that they "just know" when their intimate relationship is working well. When I ask them how they come to this conclusion, they will often say that their partner just "gets" them, and that they feel appreciated, valued and cared for by their partner.

However, when couples come for counselling because their relationship is in trouble, there are a host of reasons they give for the demise of the relationship. They know that their relationship is not working for them, however they often report that they cannot put their finger(s) on exactly what the problem is (usually they will blame their partner for the distressing state of affairs). Many couples say that they are no longer communicating on an intimate level and in many cases, issues never get resolved and arguements tend merely to deteriorate into an unpleasant scene or in a silent stand-off.

Over the years as a result of my experience with numerous troubled couples in my practice, and a great deal of reading on all aspects of relationship dynamics and conflict resolution, I have devised a list of principles for maintaining healthy relationships (along the same lines as a nutritionalist producing a check-list of aspects of healthy eating).

My list is as follows:

 TEN ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES FOR MAINTAINING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

1. Take personal responsibility for the  well-being of your relationship

2. Don’t argue when you are angry and stop an argument when you become worked-up

3. Focus your mind on the positive feelings you have for your partner

4. Keep your eye on the ball – winning an argument should not be the goal

5. Treat  your partner with respect at all times

6. “Fight fair” – focus on behavior and not on psychological “failings”

7. Be assertive and not aggressive

8. Develop the ability to emotionally attune with your partner

9. Have constructive rather than destructive arguments

10.Take on board that your partner’s views as valid as your own.

WhWilst I have found that happy and contented couples are usually able to unconsciously and effortlessly adhere to these principles, unhappy couples often report that they are unable, and sometimes even unwilling, to conduct their relationships accordingly.

Why this is the case in each instance,and what can be done about it is the challenge of couple counselling!

In future posts I will discuss each of the above principles in some detail.

Intimacy is the cornerstone of any significant relationship. When we are in love and our relationships are new, intimacy is usually at an all-time high. Couples in love tend to spend hours talking to each other about all aspects of their lives, communication seems effortless and relationships, as a result, feel deeply satisfying.

Unfortunately, though, over time, real intimacy often becomes a casualty of our hectic lives. In my work with couples I hear time and again how the responsibilities of children, careers and paying the rent become the central focus of a couple's life and before they know it they have lost touch with each other – as John Gottman would put it – the couple are no longer "emotionally attuned" to each other.

Why is intimacy so important in a relationship?

A decline in intimacy is potentially dangerous for the well-being of the relationships as it can set the stage for misunderstandings to occur, empathy becomes more difficult to achieve which may cause partners to begin to criticise and to judge each other, leading to a further deterioration in the relationship.

Rate the level of intimacy in your relationship:

According to the author David Wexler, there are four dimensions or "pillars" of intimacy which include:

Emotional security and safety
•    Freedom from physical violence
•    Freedom from threats of infidelity
•    Freedom from threats of abandonment
•    Freedom from humiliation or emotional abuse
•    Trust in maintaining privacy and confidentiality

Personal Knowledge and Emotional Intimacy
•    Knowing the details of the other person’s everyday life and history
•    Recognizing the personal vulnerabilities of the other person
•    Knowing what is genuinely meaningful and rewarding to the other person

Expressions of Affection
•    Genuine communication that “I like you”
•    Everyday expression of physical affection
•    Everyday expression of verbal affection
•    Playfulness and humour together
•    Shared meaningful and rewarding activities

Sex and Passion
•    Compatibility of sexual drive and sexual behaviours
•    Deeply connecting sexual experiences
•    Consistent personal attraction
Reference: Wexler, David B. Men in Therapy. New Approaches for Effective Treatment. Norton

How can you re-establish intimacy with your partner once it has been eroded or lost?

This will be the subject of my next post.

And if so, where, or with whom, does the problem lie?

Do either of you need individual therapy or should you both go for couples counselling?

In my psychotherapy practice, from time to time, I get enquiries from prospective clients about whether or not a particular problem should be dealt with in individual or in couple counselling.

Examples of problems where this type of uncertainty often occurs include self-esteem issues, jealously, trust/mistrust and anger. Because these types of problems aren't usually evident when a person is single and will only seem to arise in the context of a significant relationship, clients are often unsure as to whether they, thier partner or their relationship should be the focus of the counselling or therapy.

I will select anger as an example.

When relationships are in trouble, there is usually, of course, a great deal of unhappiness and often high levels of conflict and anger. Effective communication is often an early casualty – in our first session couples invariably complain that they no longer enjoy an open, trusting and mutually satisfying communication pattern.

This leads in many cases to high levels of frustration and hurt feelings which are conveyed usually through overt anger or withdrawal.(John Gottman calls these response patterns the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"- criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling and maintains that the existence of these patterns, particularly contempt, are warning signs that a relationship is in a potentially catastrophic negative spiral).

When anger becomes a problem in a relationship (in the absence, of course, of any type of ongoing physical or sexual abuse) I believe a good rule of thumb is for both partners to come along for couple counselling. Why do I say this?

1. Even if one partner in a couple has more problems in the way in which he/she communicates their frustration and anger, "it takes two to tango" – the other partner is also locked into a particular pattern of response, which they need also to understand and ultimately to change. Both partners need to appreciate, and take ownership of, their own contribution to the maintenance of the problem.

2. Often, in a couple counselling situation, each partner blames the other for the anger that gets expressed in the relationship. If one of the partners accepts the "blame" for the problem and comes along for individual therapy, there is a high likelihood that the partner who presents for therapy is regarded by them both as the dysfunctional "identified patient", the partner gets let off scott-free and sees no need to change his/her response patterns and the opportunity to work on the underlying relationship issues is lost. This situation can have dire consequences for the future of the relationship.

3. Should the couple counsellor feel that one or both of the partners would also benefit from some individual counselling for anger management, this could be incorporated into the couple counselling programme or the counsellor or therapist could elect to refer one or both of the partners to other psychologists for individual therapy.

Reference: Gottman, J. and Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon and Schuster.

Relationship commitment – how does the process work?

Over the last few weeks I have had a number of couples coming to my psychology practice for relationship counselling, stating that their problems centre around relationship commitment, where one or both partners are ambivalent or confused about where they want their relationship to go (if anywhere!).

One, or sometimes both, members of the couple report that they are unsure about either:

a) whether their current partner is the person they ultimately want to marry.

and/or

b) whether they actually really want to enter into a lasting and binding commitment with anybody.

Most of the couples who find themselves in this situation are not in their teens or twenties, but are usually in their early to late thirties. They see their friends getting married and having babies, and they often report that they feel that they are out of step with their friends, and that their families are often putting on the pressure (sometimes in less than subtle ways) for their offspring to get marriage and to produce some grandchildren.

Invariably, when I talk at length with these couples, I get a sense that they  feel "stuck" , to the extent that they can't even enjoy their day to day lives together because of the presence of this "elephant in the room". If one partner is not ambivalent and is ready to commit, this can cause immense feelings of frustration and there is also a great deal of ambivalence. In this case the ambivalence is around whether or not to hang in with their partner to wait for him/her to come to a decision, and how long they should hang in there before moving on with their lives. This question becomes even more pressing when one of the partners is also aware that their biological clock is ticking inexorably, and that the possibility of future parenthood is also hanging in the balance.

What do we mean by validation and why is it so important?

Last week I attended a training workshop on the topic of self-injury.

It was stated that in many cases of self-injury there is a history of some form of abuse. However, another factor which is seriously damaging to the (developing) psyche is invalidation where parents and other caregivers fail to acknowledge their children, punish, demean or embarrass them repeatedly for their behaviour or fail to believe them when the child reports a serious concern such as bullying or sexual abuse.

A sense of being valued for our uniqueness is essential for healthy psychological development and for a sense of psychological coherence and wellbeing.

As parents, friends and lovers we need to remember this. I believe that if each of us could commit to treating all our significant others (and also our acquaintances) with respect and a non-judgemental attitude (even though the latter can often be extremely difficult!), we could not only build up the self-esteem of those who matter the most to us in our lives, but we could also greatly improve the quality of all our relationships!

Of course, this is easier said than done, and a great deal of what I do in therapy with individuals and couples is coaching in the necessary skills to become validating and also self-validating!