Are you deadlocked with someone over an important issue?

What type of conflict negotiation strategy would suit you best?

Consider the following example:

A client, Jim,  came to see me for counselling the other day, complaining of high levels of stress. He is in a marriage with Sue, and they have three young children. He and his wife are partners in a number of businesses. He says that his wife wants to start her own business without any "interference" from him.

Jim and Sue have an extremely volatile relationship – Jim he is unsure as to whether or not he wants to remain married or get divorced.

I did a full assessment of Jim, and came to the conclusion that his relationship problems were causing the lion's share of his stress and recommended that Sue get involved in the process.

What type of intervention do Jim and Sue need?

As Jim reports that Sue says she is open to being involved, couple counselling or mediation are possibilities (both couple counselling and mediation are not  likely to work without buy-in from both parties).

Couple counselling would be my intervention of choice if the couple wished to work on their relationship whilst mediation would be a suitable strategy if the couple wished to concentrate on trying to resolve issues concerning their businesses.  Mediation would also be indicated if the couple decided that their marriage was no longer viable and that they wished to divorce. 

In order to mediate the business-related issues successfully, Jim and Sue could consider finding a conciliator – a mediator with an in-depth knowledge of the issues and domain under discussion – in this case business practices. (My partner, Ian Gillespie, was called on at a certain point in the process, therefore, as he has extensive business experience). A conciliator thus, because he or she has extensive knowledge in a particular area, may depart from a "pure" mediation approach by also providing information and advice.

Should, for arguements sake, this couple eventually decide to divorce, a facilitation clause in their consent paper would allow for a facilitator to be appointed post-divorce. The facilitator's role would be to look after the best interests of the children (in line with the Children's Act). Should the parents disagree on any matter relating to the care and contact of the children, the facilitator would step in and first attempt to resolve the conflict through mediation. However, if this proves to be unsuccessful, a facilitator has the power to make a decision about an issue,  and have it enforced by means of a directive.

So whether you decide on couple counselling, mediation, conciliation or facilitation, I suggest that, for your peace of mind, that  you make sure that the practitioner(s)  you choose is/are professionally qualified and accredited with relevant professional organisations such as the Health Professions Council and the Family Mediation Association of the Cape (FAMAC). 

Recently I was asked to mediate by an ex-couple who had been divorced for a few months and who have a two year old child. In line with the Children's Act, before getting divorced, with the help of a mediator they had hammered out an extremely complex parenting plan, detailing the care and contact arrangements in respect of their child. The parenting plan stipulated that the child live primarily with her mother, and that her father have a great deal of contact with his daughter, both during the week and at weekends.

At face value the parenting plan appeared excellent. However, when I had both parents in the room I realised the following:

1. The parenting plan made the child’s life incredibly hectic – she was passed backwards and forwards between the parents almost daily, I wondered how this affected her well-being?

2.  The mother felt that the child was suffering from separation anxiety when she was forced to leave the parent which whom she was currrently  happily bonding.  (This is a difficult problem to solve when children are very young, as they need to see both parents quite regularly as their memories are limited).

3. Both parents felt that they were being short-changed on the time they were permitted to spend with their child.  It was extremely difficult for them to come to terms with the fact that, as they were no longer together, this had the effect of halving the time they could each spend with their child.

4. The father admitted that he had been unhappy with the parenting plan when it had been written, even though he had agreed to it at the time. He stated that his lawyer had advised him that he would not have got such a “good deal” if he had gone to court.

5. The ex-spouses were now forced to see each other almost every day for the forseeable future, even though they now totally disliked one another. And of course, the almost daily conflict around picking up and dropping off the child was worsening their relationship by the day!

So the moral of this story is:

1. Be very careful when you work out a parenting plan – it may look good on paper but think about how it will translate in reality. Is it in the best interests of your child and is it practical in the longer term?

2. Don’t settle for a plan too quickly if in your heart of hearts you feel that it is not going to work for you or for your child. The best time to do this is during the mediation process before your divorce because you still have the power to steer the process. After the divorce, when there might be a facilitator in place, you will probably have less leverage to make changes to the parenting plan.

3. Allow yourself to grieve for the losses associated with the divorce and having to settle for less of your children’s time. If you find you cannot easily overcome feelings of bitterness, hurt and possibly depression,

it is important that you seek some help, either from a trusted friend or from a professional