Or more accurately:

Are you allowing your cellphone usage to seriously detract from your quality of life?

Consider the following scenarios:

1. A couple are sitting in a dimly lit, cosy restaurant. Everything is perfect and the stage is set for a wonderful, intimate night out. However, both partners are texting furiously in their cellphones, oblivious to their surroundings and to each other.
2. A young couple are sitting under umbrellas at the pool of an upmarket hotel. It is a perfect day, the sun is shining and their two young children are playing in the paddling pool a few metres away. Quality family time? Well no, because both are fixated on their respective small screens.
3. A man and his dog are having some bonding time at the beach. The sand is white, the sun is warm, the sea looks inviting but what is happening? The man is lost to the moment and his dog is sitting in front of him looking dejected. What a shame!

So why do we do this to ourselves and what is the impact on our lives as a result?

We tend to feel that we are being so productive and are being so well connected by being on facebook etc, yet what is often happening is that we are totally missing out on the special moments in our real lives!

Time and again, in my psychology practice, I am told of how some aspect of cellphone usage has  led to something bad happening,  either for an individual or for a couple in their relationship.

What are the top contenders?

For individuals:

• Not being able to "switch-off" in their down-time, causing frustration, resentment and ultimately in burnout.

For couples:

• Often partners find out that their spouse is cheating by finding text messages on his/her cellphone. Cellphones make it much easier to indulge in secret relationships.
• It is easy to get the wrong end of the stick. SMS messages are easy to misconstrue. I suggest to my clients that they restrict SMs communication sharing of information. Anything sensitive or potentially emotion-provoking should be discussed face-to-face to prevent misunderstandings from occuring.
• Unrealistic expectations are built up. When you know your partner has a cellphone on their person at all times it is easy to assume that they will be able to respond to a message from you immediately at any time of the day or night. So when they don't (or can't), the s…t can easily, and habitually, hit the fan!

So what can be done to avoid all the technologically-induced minefields of our own making?

First, I suggest becoming mindful of your own cellphone behaviour. Make changes where necessary. 

If you believe that your partner has a problem in restricting their cellphone usage, bring up the topic diplomatically. Perhaps talk about the upsides of being less cellphone-centred!

If you cannot seem to find the right balance between the virtual and the real or if you are actually obsessed by all things web-based and that life is passing you by  (or your partner believes this about  you), maybe it is time to get some help!

Do you need to keep secrets from your partner to hold on to your individuality?

10 March 2013

11:11 AM

I would go as far as to say that communication is the life blood of any health relationship. There are exceptions of course, but then aren't there exceptions to most things?!

So what do you say to a partner who tells you that sharing details of their life will cause him/her to lose him?herself as an individual?

I agree that it is crucial for individuals to retain their uniqueness and their sense of themselves when they are a member of a couple.

 I see so many unhappy clients who tell me that they hardly remember who they once were once they have been in a relationship for some time where they have changed the way they behave and react in fundamental ways in order to satisfy the demands of their partner.  If this makes that person miserable or depressed, I believe that the price of this type of  compromise is (perhaps unacceptably) high.

However, this type of issue  is not the topic of this particular post.

I am referring to couples who are essentially happy but who believe that, in order to stay that way, that they should keep a large portion of themselves private and in this way the relationship will maintain its mystery and excitement.

I believe this to be a myth as relationships cannot develop and deepen without the partners getting to know the person with whom they are sharing their lives. In my view this is the only way in which really intimacy and emotional attunement can be established, which is the bedrock of any fulfilling relationship.

This does not mean, of course, that partners should feel obliged to reveal every last detail of their lives (both past and present) to their significant other. This is a matter of individual choice, to be made in consultation with one's partner. What I am referring to is healthy ongoing communication between partners about themselves, their relationship, their  everyday lives and their hope and dreams for the future. 

I would appreciate your comments…   

What do we mean by validation and why is it so important?

Last week I attended a training workshop on the topic of self-injury.

It was stated that in many cases of self-injury there is a history of some form of abuse. However, another factor which is seriously damaging to the (developing) psyche is invalidation where parents and other caregivers fail to acknowledge their children, punish, demean or embarrass them repeatedly for their behaviour or fail to believe them when the child reports a serious concern such as bullying or sexual abuse.

A sense of being valued for our uniqueness is essential for healthy psychological development and for a sense of psychological coherence and wellbeing.

As parents, friends and lovers we need to remember this. I believe that if each of us could commit to treating all our significant others (and also our acquaintances) with respect and a non-judgemental attitude (even though the latter can often be extremely difficult!), we could not only build up the self-esteem of those who matter the most to us in our lives, but we could also greatly improve the quality of all our relationships!

Of course, this is easier said than done, and a great deal of what I do in therapy with individuals and couples is coaching in the necessary skills to become validating and also self-validating!

If you are suffering from study pressure, exam stress, or general stress or anxiety….

Cognitive-behaviour (behavior) therapy, or CBT has been to be extremely effective. It is called an evidence-based treatment approach as large, well-controlled studies have proved its effectiveness – both here and overseas.

How does it work?

We all have a stream of thoughts going through our minds every moment of our waking lives. We are continuously having an internal dialogue with ourselves (some of us have this conversation out loud sometimes which can cause other people to look at us funny!).

These thoughts that we have are not necessarily reflecting the truth about things – they are merely our own "take" on life, and can be right, wrong, accurate or inaccurate.

Unfortunately, though, we tend to regard our thoughts as true, and as our thought affect our emotions, we can start to feel very bad – based only on our unreliable thoughts!

For example: if you always anticipate that awful things could happen in the future – your thoughts are often starting with "what  if"…you will undoubtedly feel anxious a great deal of the time!

People usually only dwell on the negative possibilities – like failing (if you are a student) or getting caught in a lift (if you are claustrophobic). Not many people have anxiety about winning the lottery!

CBT helps individuals recognise and alter unhelpful and innacurate thinking patterns so that they can begin to live happier and more mindful lives, free from debilitating anxiety and depression.

If you would like to experience CBT, please contact us!

Will your sessions be paid for by your medical aid?

When prospective clients contact my Cape Town based psychology practice for the first time, we invariable bring up the topic of  medical aid payment. For clients on medical aids, the question I get gets asked is – "will my psychotherapy treatment be covered by my medical aid"?

There are a number of aspects to this that you will need to clarify  before a definite answer can be given, for example:

1. Is the psychologist, counsellor or coach registered with the Health Professions' Council and with the Board of Healthcare Funders (BHF)?

Only professionally registered psychologists and psychological counsellors can claim from medical aids.

2. Is the registered psychologist, counsellor or coach charging medical aid (BHF) rates?

3. Does the psychologist or counsellor require you to pay upfront for your sessions and then for you to claim back the fee from your medical aid, or are they prepared to submit directly to the medical aid on your behalf?

4. Do you have sufficient funds in your medical aid account to cover number of psychology sessions required?

Each medical aid has its own benefit structure – some have a savings component for all out of hospital medical treatment, with psychology and psychotherapy treatment coming out of this "pot", while other medical aids have  a set annual  "ceiling" for psychotherapy (this is the annual amount that is "allowed", once this is exceeded the member has to pay for their psychology sessions themselves). Some medical aid plans, on the other hand are a combination of these two – there is a ceiling for claims but then once a certain amount has been spent on medical expenses above that ceiling, medical aid benefits again kick in.

In order to find out this information, you could contact your medical aid and quote the code 86205 which is the BHF code used for an hour of psychotherapy (which is the usual length for an individual psychology session)

5. Is the diagnostic code the psychologist will be using covered by your medical aid?

For some time the BHF have required health care practitioners to provide diagnostic codes for the treatments and procedures that are undertaken. This is also the case for psychologists. The coding system that is currently used is the ICD 10. When you visit your psychologist for the first time, he/she will do an informal or a formal assessment of your concern or problem, and will be required to note a diagnosis on the statement that is sent to your medical aid.

Some medical aids restrict benefits to particular problems or disorders and may sometimes, therefore, refuse to pay for certain types of issues.  Sometimes, too, medical aids may restrict benefits to certain categories of psychologists, depending on their scope of practice.

This will be a subject for a future post!

Most people (even those who don't believe in New Year's resolutions) are thinking about what they would like to change during 2012. Most focus, however, on themselves – their health and their behaviour (for example, deciding to quit smoking or embark on an exercise regime).

In my clinical psychology practice, however, I advise my clients to think more broadly about this issue – to think about their relationships.

 I therefore invite you to consider the current health of your relationships with:

1) Your partner/spouse, children and your family:

Ask yourself the following questions, for example…

Is your relationship as good as it can be? Are you able to be honest and authenitc with your spouse? Do you practise a way of interacting with your intimate partner which is respectful and considerate? When you asgue, do you do so in a constructive way, without resorting to "below the belt" tactics such as name-calling? (If there are problems in our intimate relationship it is invariably the case that the partner is blamed for this state of affairs. It is crucial that we each start by changing our own steps in our relationship dance!)

Are your relationhips with your children and your extended family as good as they could be? If you were to die tomorrow, have you told them how you feel about them or do you have "unfinished business"?  Is your will up to date?

2) Your friends and co-workers:

Are you sufficiently supportive and "there" for your friends and co-workers? Are you reliable, dependable and empathic?

3) Your community and environment:

Are you involved in community and volunteer activities? Do you consider your environment and recycle, for example?

4) Your pets

If your pets were able to rate you in terms of how well you meet their needs, what grade would you get? If you have a dog, do you walk him/her every day?

I am sure there are many more examples out there in the same vein and I would  be happy to receive your comments in this regard!

Of course, making resolutions is the easy part, like any form of behaviour change sticking to them consistently is a much more difficult thing and a topic in its own right for another post!

It appears that we can blame it on evolution!

Why is it so difficult to stop our minds drifting to unpleasant and anxiety-provoking topics? Often this happens in the middle of the night, especially to insomniacs who often find that their thoughts prevent them from getting back to sleep.

Well, evolutionary psychologists put it down to the way in which our brains are wired, says Ronald Siegel in his article entitled “West meets East” in the September/October edition of Psychotherapy Networker (in which he discussed the link between psychotherapy and Eastern spiritual practices, such as mindfulness).

The arguement goes that the human beings of today have survived through natural selection only because, through thousands of years, they are the ones who were constantly on the lookout for danger and needed to be extremely adept at anticipating possible risks and life-threatening situations. So anxiety and fear kept you alive whilst happiness and complacency got you killed.

So, although the world has changed a great deal since the days of our cavemen ancestors, our physiology and the wiring of our brains have remained more or less the same, causing us to react to (usually) benign life events, such as traffic snarl-ups and work pressure, asif they were of the magnitude of a tiger hiding in the shadows, waiting to pounce.

So if we are wired for anxiety and stress, what can be done about it?

First it is necessary to develop an awareness of the problem. Then with the help of cognitive-behavioural techniques (CBT), relaxation training and mindfulness techniques it is possible to gain control of one’s thoughts and to calm down the mind. It is important to take on board that one’s thoughts are merely a product of one’s mind and are not necessarily accurate. It is quite possible to substitute more balanced thoughts for thoughts that lead to anxiety, stress and depression. This will help to calm the mind, paving the way for a more measured, focused and appreciative approach to life, including one’s relationships.

And this can only lead to an inhanced feeling of happiness and contentment!

Yesterday I conducted a stress management workshop for a group of Grade 11 and 12 learners. They were saying that they are feeling a great deal of stress and pressure at this stage because of their work-load and the thought of the upcoming exams.

I wish I could talk to all other learners and students out there about the importance of keeping their thoughts focused and not to dwell on the possibility that they might not do well! I use the analogy of the trapeze artist on the high-wire. If he/she allows him/herself to think that they might fall, this will probably happen (it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy).

It is therefore crucial for students to monitor their thinking and alter their thoughts if they notice themselves becoming negative.  A pattern of “what-if ” thinking, for example “What if I can’t answer the questions in the paper and I fail” should therefore be banished and replaced by thoughts such as “I will do the best I can”. These ideas come from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). “What-if”"thinking, if not controlled, can lead to runaway feelings of anxiety and stress.

I also spoke to the students about the importance of practicing relaxation and mindfulness exercises to help with focus and to calm the mind. It is also essential to pay attention to one’s body and health at times of pressure and stress – to eat well, exercise and to get sufficient sleep.

By keeping your stress levels in a zone that is optimal for you by doing the above, you will be well prepared, physically and psychologically, for the road ahead. All you will need to add to this recipe for success is a great deal of focused study!

Please contact me if you have any questions about the above or any other aspect of stress management.

I have a number of very distressed partners coming to see me for couples counselling at present, at my psychology practice in Wynberg. They either come together (usually one partner brings along a reluctant other half) or on their own because their partner refuses to come.
What can you as an individual do to improve your relationship?

1. Hone your communication and anger management skills

As it takes two people to maintain a destructive arguement, you can make the decision to communicate your needs clearly and to fight fair. If you find you are not able to break the negative cycle you may need to consult someone like a psychologist or psychotherapist to help you master the necessary mind-set and skills.

2. Take personal responsibility for your own actions.

Of course your partner behaves in a way that infuriates you. However, you can make the choice not to react in a negative and destructive way. It is important to find ways that work for you.

3. Accept that constant nagging and criticism will not heal your relationship.

In order to change your interaction pattern into something positive you will need to start focusing on what is good about your partner and to reinforce that. This is hard but necessary. Remember Gottman's 5:1 ratio – good relationships are characterised by communication that consists of a ratio of approximately five positive, constructive comments to one negative comment.

I suggest you make a start and make some positive changes now before it is too late for your relationship to recover!

For any comments or queries, please contact us.

When you know if your heart of hearts that your intimate relationship has become a major source of stress and unhappiness in your life , why don’t you break it off?

All your friends and family are giving you a consistent message that you would be better off without your current partner, why do you steadfastly resist their advice?

In my Cape Town psychology practice I often get clients who find themselves stuck in this position – they often feel desperate – they love their partner but he/she drives them crazy. They have often been in a destructive relationship for a long time and are feeling at the end of their tether.

Why won’t they admit that their relationship is doing them psychological harm, end it and move on with their lives?

The reasons people stay in toxic relationships are often complex and driven by largely unconscious factors such as:

1. The comfort of the familiar

In many cases there is the feeling that the bad relationship is comfortable in a sense, because it is known and predictable.

2. Needing to be needed

Clients often reveal a fear that their current relationship may be their last – that they will not find anyone else if they break off  their current relationship. There is a fear of being alone forever.

3. Trying to avoid “bad” feelings

Ending a relationship usually precipitates a sense of loss and mourning, with associated feelings of sadness (and even misery), anxiety, panic, and sometimes may trigger depression. Avoidance is a natural and normal tendency in the circumstances. However, we all need to face such feelings if we want to transform our lives for the better.

3. Poor self-esteem

Some individuals believe that they are not deserving of a caring, supportive relationship and of a happy, fulfilled life. There are, of course, always a number of unique, complex reasons for such an outlook. Often the underpinnings are to be found in the person’s early life experiences.

4. Not being able to say “no” or get their needs met

Clients caught up in toxic relationships often report that they feel unable to insist that their own needs get acknowledged – they often nag their partner to change but to no avail. They are in many cases locked into a co-dependent, enabling dynamic with their parnter where they feel helpless to change things for the better.

5. Believing one’s partner must/will change

Often I will hear “If only my partner were to realise the error of his/her ways and change for the better, our relationship would be good”.

This is a normal, but unfortunately, misguided belief!

It is crucial to accept that we can only change ourselves, if we become more strategic and positive in our interactions with our partners, our relationships have a chance to transform. However, if the other person in the relationship is not motivated to similarly change for the better, you may be doing yourself a big favour if you decide that enough is enough and to move on with your life!