How to succeed at being a good mother-in-law (by really trying!)

Mothers'-in-law tend to have a bad reputation (similar to that of landladies)!

Are mothers'-in-law really so problematic?! I know that I personally had a less than ideal relationship with my own mother-in-law (to put it mildly) and in my individual and couple counselling many of my clients report that relationships with the parents of their spouses can be fraught with problems. However, it was only when I became a mother-in-law in my own right that I found that I could totally sympathise (and empathise) with both roles of daughter, and mother-in-law.

(For the purposes of this article I will stick to the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship as this is, in my opinion, the relationship that tends to be particularly sensitive and potentially problematic. Why would this be the case? It is invariably difficult for a mom-in-law  to accept, after a life-time of being the no.1 woman in her son's life and the one who calls the (domestic) shots in the household , that another woman has now taken up that position (through no fault of her own except that she loves a mother's son!). Where does this leave the mom-in-law? She has to carve out a new niche for herself, and this is where the challenge lies!

 So what do I suggest?

For mothers'- in-law:

First – remind yourself continually  that,  for your child to be happy,  his marriage needs to succeed. Therefore your  role essentially  should  be to facilitate and help to strengthen their mutual  bond. Thus diplomacy and the fostering of  goodwill  between you and your daughter-in-law  should be the order of the day!

Work on accepting your daughter-in-law  wholeheartedly and unconditionally, even if there are aspects  of her personality or behaviour with which you disagree or regard as contrary to your own views, priorities or values.

Try to disinvest from believing that you are right and that you know best, especially when it comes to relationships and to parenting (and grand-parenting).  Wait to be asked for advice rather than providing it unsolicited.

Be supportive and available (within reason) and not overly demanding and needy.  Give your child's relationship with his partner/wife room to breathe!

If your child comes to your for a listening ear or for advice and support when issues arise in his marriage, don't allow this to colour your relationship with your daughter-in-law! Be careful not to voice any criticism of your daughter-in-law as, once they have made up, this may remain "hanging in the air" between you and your son, which won't be good for your relationship either!

For daughters'-in-law:

Understand that the dynamics between you and your mother-in-law can be complicated and in many cases difficult to negotiate. Be sensitive and empathic!

Allow your partner/husband to enjoy one-on-one quality time with his mother if this is important to them both. Their relationship also deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

Mothers and daughters-in-law can be a wonderful source of love and support for one another, especially when there are children to be parented and grandparented. Therefore I believe that every effort should be made on both sides to strengthen this relationship!

What role does money play in your relationship?

Where do you and your partner stand when it comes to money issues?

In order to help you to answer these questions, consider the following questions:

Do you and your partner:

1. See eye-to-eye on financial matters most of the time?

2. Keep details of your personal finances private?

3. Have certain secrets when it comes to your personal finances?

4. Make major financial decisions together?

5. Tend to agree on priorities when it comes to money?

6. Have a shared vision of the future?

7. Battle to agree or compromise when it comes to financial decisions?

If you both answered "yes" to questions 1,4,5 and 6 you and your partner seem to have a healthy approach to financial matters in your relationship. However, if items 2 ,3 and 7 apply to your relationship, money appears to represent  a potential problem and source of conflict between you both.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am advocating total transparency when it comes to financial matters?

This is how I see it:

The majority of unhappy couples who walk through the door of my psychology practice say that they yearn for deeper intimacy with their partner and a more meaningful level of communication yet in many cases they are resistant to the idea of sharing all aspects of their finances with each other. 

How can a couple hope to (re-)establish trust and intimacy in their relationship if they are simultaneously giving their partner the message that he/she is being shut out of a fundamentally important aspect of their partner's life? In addition, how can a couple make informed decisions about their future together if they cannot openly discuss their joint finances together?

it is so important, therefore, to talk to your partner in depth about all aspects related to money and finances as early as possible in your relationship and thereafter on a regular basis so that you can be confident that you are both on the same page when it comes to money matters in your relationship.

Couples: Can your relationship survive a major breach of trust?

In my cinical psychology and mediation practice I see many couples who present for counselling because  their relationship is reeling under the impact of a perceived betrayal, such as infidelity or a failure on the part of one of the partners to 'be there' for their spouse when they have been going through some major (often traumatic) life event, such as a death of a family member or other significant loss, such as their health or their job.

The event or situation in question may not be perceived by the other person as  'a big deal'  for a number of reasons, such as a lack of empathy,( which is often due to the couple being 'out of step' with each other emotionally) and hence to poor and misleading communication patterns.

Strong relationships are built on a foundation of trust and the knowledge that one's spouse will always have your back, no matter what happens. Dr Sue Johnson,  the founder of Emotion-focused Therapy (EFT) for couples states that this is a fundamental need that individuals have when they are involved in a committed relationship). So when a breach of trust occurs the relationship is seriously undermined.

Many couples make the mistake of pushing such events 'under the carpet' and endeavouring to move on with their lives without getting to grips with the issues involved, not realising that there is now a major 'crack' in the foundation of their relationship, which is unlikely to heal with time. (In fact, in many cases, couples will come in to see me years after the breach occurred, when some other issue serves to uncover the original 'breach', which is as emotionally devastating as it ever was (sometimes even more so because it has caused more damage over time because the failure to address it has been perceived as a secondary breach of trust). 

The fundamental question is:

Can a relationship recover from such serious breaches of trust? And if so, how can this be achieved?

I will discuss some possible answers to these questions in my next post. 

Relationship commitment – how does the process work?

Over the last few weeks I have had a number of couples coming to my psychology practice for relationship counselling, stating that their problems centre around relationship commitment, where one or both partners are ambivalent or confused about where they want their relationship to go (if anywhere!).

One, or sometimes both, members of the couple report that they are unsure about either:

a) whether their current partner is the person they ultimately want to marry.

and/or

b) whether they actually really want to enter into a lasting and binding commitment with anybody.

Most of the couples who find themselves in this situation are not in their teens or twenties, but are usually in their early to late thirties. They see their friends getting married and having babies, and they often report that they feel that they are out of step with their friends, and that their families are often putting on the pressure (sometimes in less than subtle ways) for their offspring to get marriage and to produce some grandchildren.

Invariably, when I talk at length with these couples, I get a sense that they  feel "stuck" , to the extent that they can't even enjoy their day to day lives together because of the presence of this "elephant in the room". If one partner is not ambivalent and is ready to commit, this can cause immense feelings of frustration and there is also a great deal of ambivalence. In this case the ambivalence is around whether or not to hang in with their partner to wait for him/her to come to a decision, and how long they should hang in there before moving on with their lives. This question becomes even more pressing when one of the partners is also aware that their biological clock is ticking inexorably, and that the possibility of future parenthood is also hanging in the balance.

What do we mean by validation and why is it so important?

Last week I attended a training workshop on the topic of self-injury.

It was stated that in many cases of self-injury there is a history of some form of abuse. However, another factor which is seriously damaging to the (developing) psyche is invalidation where parents and other caregivers fail to acknowledge their children, punish, demean or embarrass them repeatedly for their behaviour or fail to believe them when the child reports a serious concern such as bullying or sexual abuse.

A sense of being valued for our uniqueness is essential for healthy psychological development and for a sense of psychological coherence and wellbeing.

As parents, friends and lovers we need to remember this. I believe that if each of us could commit to treating all our significant others (and also our acquaintances) with respect and a non-judgemental attitude (even though the latter can often be extremely difficult!), we could not only build up the self-esteem of those who matter the most to us in our lives, but we could also greatly improve the quality of all our relationships!

Of course, this is easier said than done, and a great deal of what I do in therapy with individuals and couples is coaching in the necessary skills to become validating and also self-validating!

And if so, what can you do?

Often couples contact me only when their relationship is in a very bad way. Both partners may be sitting in my counselling room telling me that they want desperately to work on their relationship when if fact one (or both) have already decided that this is the last stop before they intend to call it quits.

Sometimes one partner believes that their spouse is committed to making things work, when they may either:

a) be feeling very confused and uncertain about whether or not they still want to be together.

b) may have already decided that they "want out" and are merely waiting for the counsellor to confirm their belief that the relationship cannot be saved.

This can come as a huge shock to the partner who is invested in making things work out.

What can, and should the "committed" partner do in this situation?

What not to do:

The sudden knowledge that a partner is thinking about ending your relationship will probably cause intense feelings – of anxiety and even panic.

However, pressurising your partner at this point won't usually get you the answers you crave!

Why?

Your partner may not  actually know what he/she feels or wants and pressurising them will probably only cause further negativity.

So what is a better course of action?

I will talk more about this in the next post….

Very few of us (who have not been totally cut off from civilisation and Dr Phil) who are in relationships have not taken on board that in order for us to live  “happily ever after”, a certain amount of ongoing work needs to be done on the relationship.

However, it is often far from clear what this actually entails!

I have seen many unhappy and disenchanted couples who arrive on my doorstep when their relationship is already on life support. How did they get to be this way, I wonder? What happened over the years to totally change the way they now see each other – as adversaries rather than lovers?

So what can couples do to prevent this decline?

Looking after our relationships is quite similar, it seems, to taking care of our finances.

I will use the analogy of the monthly budget. Some individuals, as soon as they get their monthly pay cheque, will spend it as soon as it hits their bank account, while other more mindful and careful spenders, will make sure that they have sufficient money for the month, being constantly aware of how long it will be before the coffers are replenished, and they will never allow themselves to reach the point where their account is bone dry! They will also regularly invest a certain proportion for a rainy day and for their retirement.

How does this relate to couples? Emotional goodwill in relationships is similar to currency. When partners consistently demonstrate to each other that they have their spouses’ back – that they are there for each other emotionally in times of need.  John Gottman speaks of the “emotional bank account” in a relationship.

Therefore, from this perspective, to “work on your relationship”, couples need to take the time to really understand what makes their partner “tick” as accurate empathy for your partner is only really possible if you truely know, and “get” your partner.

When you consistently show this support and caring, the goodwill balance in your relationship account will remain in significantly

in the black.

And when inevitable problems and arguements arise between you both, you will be in a much better position to weather the storm ( and economic recessions) with your relationship intact!

Now that spring has arrived, we all tend to think about getting our bodies into shape and some of us even get motivated to do

a bit of spring cleaning!

At this time of year we often start to feel a personal sense of renewed optimism and purpose  - however, it is important not to overlook your relationship when doing your general overhaul – does it need a breathe of fresh air too?!

How can you accurately judge the current health of your relationship? (unfortunately we can often be in denial about this important issue).

Ask yourself (and your partner) the following questions:

* How good is your communication currently – can you talk openly and from the heart about yourself and your feelings to your partner?

* Are you caring, supportive and non-judgemental with each other?

* Can you have constructive arguements without resorting to criticism, avoidance and name-calling?

* Are you on the same wave-length emotionally?

* Do you enjoy each other’s company and do you regularly have fun together?

If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, it is probably a good time to get a relationship tune-up!

During September we are offering a special 4  ninety minute session package for couples in Wynberg, Cape Town

Feel free to Contact us for more information!

I bought a new printer the other day. The owner’s manual that accompanied it was so thick and dense that there was not a chance that I would even try to understand it. Luckily I had a more techno-savy friend who managed to set it up for me and now I only have to press various buttons and wondrous things happen, like scanning and faxing.

But if understanding a new appliance is hard, getting to know the inner workings of your intimate partner is in a different league altogether! However, if you don’t work on it, your relationship will probably deteriorate very quickly.

It is all about empathy and emotional attunement! John Gottman talks about understanding your partner’s love-maps, whilst the authors of “Love and War in Intimate Relationships”, Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin refer to the idea of an owner’s manual for your partner.  In this book, they mention some important questions you need to ask yourself in order to test your understanding of your spouse – for example:

* What three things can you say or do to make your spouse feel good?

* What three vulnerable areas does your partner have (that have probably been present since childhood)?

When your partner is challenged on one of this issues or is inadvertently triggered during an arguement, he/she will probably react extremely negatively.

* What is the most effective way to calm your partner down when he/she is upset?

* What are guaranteed ways of making him/her happy or excited?

* What can you do to bring a smile to his/her face?

If you are unsure about the answers to some of these questions, perhaps it would be a good idea to schedule some quality time alone with your partner (away from the kids and the other responsibilities of life) to get onto the same emotional wavelength and to begin to fill in the gaps in your Owner’s Manual!

What are the secrets to a happy long-term relationship?

Because couples counselling is a special area of interest for me, I was especially

excited and intrigued to read  John Gottman’s new book “The Science of Trust”.

His research into the ingredients that make successful relationships has spanned over 40 years and makes fascinating reading.

He has found that happy couples tend to continually spend time and effort getting to know each other (they build “love maps” in which they get to know the inner workings of their partners mind, what matters to him/her, and knowledge about their loved one’s dreams and aspirations.

Happy couples tend to show fondness, respect and admiration for their partner,

they tend to habitually focus on their partners good points and strengths rather than on their weak points or perceived personality flaws).

In successful relationships, couples also tend to acknowledge the efforts made by their spouse to be helpful and emotionally available. This is termed “turning towards” the other by Dr Gottman. He states that

these three aspects create the first tiers of a “Sound Relationship House” for a happy and fulfilling relationship.

In a future post I will talk about Dr Gottman’s exploration of  the crucial role that trust plays in

intimate relationships.