It appears that we can blame it on evolution!

Why is it so difficult to stop our minds drifting to unpleasant and anxiety-provoking topics? Often this happens in the middle of the night, especially to insomniacs who often find that their thoughts prevent them from getting back to sleep.

Well, evolutionary psychologists put it down to the way in which our brains are wired, says Ronald Siegel in his article entitled “West meets East” in the September/October edition of Psychotherapy Networker (in which he discussed the link between psychotherapy and Eastern spiritual practices, such as mindfulness).

The arguement goes that the human beings of today have survived through natural selection only because, through thousands of years, they are the ones who were constantly on the lookout for danger and needed to be extremely adept at anticipating possible risks and life-threatening situations. So anxiety and fear kept you alive whilst happiness and complacency got you killed.

So, although the world has changed a great deal since the days of our cavemen ancestors, our physiology and the wiring of our brains have remained more or less the same, causing us to react to (usually) benign life events, such as traffic snarl-ups and work pressure, asif they were of the magnitude of a tiger hiding in the shadows, waiting to pounce.

So if we are wired for anxiety and stress, what can be done about it?

First it is necessary to develop an awareness of the problem. Then with the help of cognitive-behavioural techniques (CBT), relaxation training and mindfulness techniques it is possible to gain control of one’s thoughts and to calm down the mind. It is important to take on board that one’s thoughts are merely a product of one’s mind and are not necessarily accurate. It is quite possible to substitute more balanced thoughts for thoughts that lead to anxiety, stress and depression. This will help to calm the mind, paving the way for a more measured, focused and appreciative approach to life, including one’s relationships.

And this can only lead to an inhanced feeling of happiness and contentment!

What are you worried about and what makes you anxious?

Your anxiety can point the way to constructive change in your life and in your relationships

In my psychology practice I see many clients who struggle with anxiety and chronic worry. They are often so preoccupied by their anxiety that they feel their lives have become limited, self-involved and essentially unsatisfying.

Most people just want to stop worrying and feeling anxious – that is understandable and a worthwhile short-term goal. However, the nature of their anxiety can point the way to understanding what is important to that particular individual, and this is important to understand if we are wishing to achieve a more holistic, long-term solution to their problems and issues.

For example, I had a client recently who was extremely anxious because of a perceived failure of sexual performance, specifically premature ejaculation. During our first session it became clear that he was placing so much pressure on himself  to perform because the relationship with his partner was extremely important to him. He was actually trying desperately hard to please her – but in a way that was having the opposite effect – he was getting more and more anxious and she was feeling “turned off”.

So the anxiety which brought my client into treatment highlighted the importance of addressing the relationship issues – and for that reason I recommended couple counselling to my client – so that he could get his partner on board to support his treatment for his anxiety and sexual performance concerns but also to understand how his partner was experiencing the problem, what she felt she needed from him in terms of their relationship, and to improve their communication, and ultimately, their relationship.

It was also revealed, as therapy progressed, that there were deep roots to my client’s anxiety. Since childhood he had been suffering from low self-esteem – he had had a stutter and, as a result, was teased mercilessly by other children at school. He became avoidant and extremely distrustful of people in general. These effects were still evident in his current life.

So my client’s presenting anxiety provided the both the impetus for treatment and also led, like a paper-trail, to the underlying  problems and issues in his life.

When I ask clients who visit my psychology practice for the first time what their goals are, many of them say that they want to be happy!
We all know that happiness is often an elusive emotion and difficult if not impossible to achieve when we are not in a good space psychologically and we are experiencing anxiety and/or depression.

What is Positive Psychology?
The psychologist and researcher, Dr. Martin Seligman, is well-known for his work in Positive Psychology, see:
www. reflectivehappiness.com and www.authentichappiness.org.
Positive Psychology concentrates on personal strengths, positive emotions, happiness, optimism and hope and how we can work on these to improve our sense of well-being.

What is Health Psychology?
Psychologists and researchers who are interested in this field study the link between psychological and physical health. In our practice in Wynberg, Cape Town, we psychologists always emphasise with each client the importance of eating healthy, balanced meals, getting enough rest, relaxation and in exercising regularly if they are serious about improving their psychological well-being!     
 
Over the next few posts I will be speaking about the mental-health benefits of changing one’s mind-set to embrace the principles and practices of both Positive Psychology and Health Psychology.

Most of us are aware that all committed relationships, including marriage, require hard work to keep them vibrant and fulfilling.

However, as the saying goes, you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear – you need to choose your prospestive long-term partner wisely and with care!

In the book “Everybody marries the wrong person”, psychologist Dr. Christine Meinecke talks about two types of scenarios – the first involving a choice of a partner who does not gel with you on all levels but with whom you can still have a good, happy life and the second, more devastating situation, where a partner turns out to be a complete disaster.

She identifies six “red flags”  – if any of these characteristics are present in a your potential partner, you would be wise to nip the relationship in the bud to avoid long-term heartache and misery! 

1. Substance abuse/dependence

Many partners of substance abusers are themselves in denial about the seriousness of the problem. Unless your partner has been “clean” for at least a year, you can’t rely on them to be suffciently emotionally mature to pull their weight in the relationship.   

2. Mental cruelty

If someone is mean, critical and tends to humiliate you he/she is not the partner for you!

3. Abuse

Of course this goes without saying - any type of physical, sexual, mental or financial abuse should be a deal-breaker in a relationship. If any of these are present in your relationship, it is imperative that you get some help - either from a trusted friend, a counsellor or a psychotherapist

4. Inappropriate venting of anger.

Don’t make any excuses for a partner who cannot control his/her temper. This situation will not improve in the future unless the person with the anger problem acknowledges it,d takes responsibility for changing the pattern of behaviour and agreed to attend anger management counselling or psychotherapy.

5. Controlling behaviour/jealousy/paranoia

This type of behaviour is a sign of a seriously dysfunctional individual who has the capacity to cause psychological harm to their partner and to their children.  This pattern that is usually hard-wired into the psyche and is incredibly difficult to change So, if the signs are there it is a good idea to end the relationship before more harm is done to your self-esteem. 

6. Under functioning/under-responsibility

Does your partner pull his/her weight when it comes to finances, tasks, roles and other responsibilities?  You need to ask yourself whether you want to spend your life with someone who tends to be thoughtless, careless and even reckless. The partners of these type of people often find themselves in a “parent” rather than a “partner” role.

So if your partner exhibits any of the above to any great degree, perhaps it might be prudent to do some serious thinking about what you really want and deserve from a prospective life partner!     

As a psychologist based in the southern suburbs of Cape Town for the last seventeen years, the predominant problem that has brought, and continues to bring  both individuals and couples into therapy involves relationships. Even when clients contact me because they are suffering from depression and/or anxiety, the cause in seven out of ten cases relates to problems in their intimate relationships.

Our attachment bonds are so crucial to our sense of security and our emotional well-being, thus when they are threatened or severed, the individuals involved are often plunged into an crisis and often experience an emotional melt-down.

In order to keep our important relationships healthy and vital, we pay attention to them in the same way as a gardener tends a vegetable garden. Respect and goodwill need to be cultivated in order to strengthen and maintain the relationship bonds with the significant people in our lives.

Have a happy, loving and relaxing festive season!