What role does money play in your relationship?

Where do you and your partner stand when it comes to money issues?

In order to help you to answer these questions, consider the following questions:

Do you and your partner:

1. See eye-to-eye on financial matters most of the time?

2. Keep details of your personal finances private?

3. Have certain secrets when it comes to your personal finances?

4. Make major financial decisions together?

5. Tend to agree on priorities when it comes to money?

6. Have a shared vision of the future?

7. Battle to agree or compromise when it comes to financial decisions?

If you both answered "yes" to questions 1,4,5 and 6 you and your partner seem to have a healthy approach to financial matters in your relationship. However, if items 2 ,3 and 7 apply to your relationship, money appears to represent  a potential problem and source of conflict between you both.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am advocating total transparency when it comes to financial matters?

This is how I see it:

The majority of unhappy couples who walk through the door of my psychology practice say that they yearn for deeper intimacy with their partner and a more meaningful level of communication yet in many cases they are resistant to the idea of sharing all aspects of their finances with each other. 

How can a couple hope to (re-)establish trust and intimacy in their relationship if they are simultaneously giving their partner the message that he/she is being shut out of a fundamentally important aspect of their partner's life? In addition, how can a couple make informed decisions about their future together if they cannot openly discuss their joint finances together?

it is so important, therefore, to talk to your partner in depth about all aspects related to money and finances as early as possible in your relationship and thereafter on a regular basis so that you can be confident that you are both on the same page when it comes to money matters in your relationship.

If not, what do you need to do in order to get it back on track?

How do you go about evaluating your relationship?

In my psychology practice, I am told my clients that they "just know" when their intimate relationship is working well. When I ask them how they come to this conclusion, they will often say that their partner just "gets" them, and that they feel appreciated, valued and cared for by their partner.

However, when couples come for counselling because their relationship is in trouble, there are a host of reasons they give for the demise of the relationship. They know that their relationship is not working for them, however they often report that they cannot put their finger(s) on exactly what the problem is (usually they will blame their partner for the distressing state of affairs). Many couples say that they are no longer communicating on an intimate level and in many cases, issues never get resolved and arguements tend merely to deteriorate into an unpleasant scene or in a silent stand-off.

Over the years as a result of my experience with numerous troubled couples in my practice, and a great deal of reading on all aspects of relationship dynamics and conflict resolution, I have devised a list of principles for maintaining healthy relationships (along the same lines as a nutritionalist producing a check-list of aspects of healthy eating).

My list is as follows:

 TEN ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES FOR MAINTAINING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

1. Take personal responsibility for the  well-being of your relationship

2. Don’t argue when you are angry and stop an argument when you become worked-up

3. Focus your mind on the positive feelings you have for your partner

4. Keep your eye on the ball – winning an argument should not be the goal

5. Treat  your partner with respect at all times

6. “Fight fair” – focus on behavior and not on psychological “failings”

7. Be assertive and not aggressive

8. Develop the ability to emotionally attune with your partner

9. Have constructive rather than destructive arguments

10.Take on board that your partner’s views as valid as your own.

WhWilst I have found that happy and contented couples are usually able to unconsciously and effortlessly adhere to these principles, unhappy couples often report that they are unable, and sometimes even unwilling, to conduct their relationships accordingly.

Why this is the case in each instance,and what can be done about it is the challenge of couple counselling!

In future posts I will discuss each of the above principles in some detail.

And if so, what can you do?

Often couples contact me only when their relationship is in a very bad way. Both partners may be sitting in my counselling room telling me that they want desperately to work on their relationship when if fact one (or both) have already decided that this is the last stop before they intend to call it quits.

Sometimes one partner believes that their spouse is committed to making things work, when they may either:

a) be feeling very confused and uncertain about whether or not they still want to be together.

b) may have already decided that they "want out" and are merely waiting for the counsellor to confirm their belief that the relationship cannot be saved.

This can come as a huge shock to the partner who is invested in making things work out.

What can, and should the "committed" partner do in this situation?

What not to do:

The sudden knowledge that a partner is thinking about ending your relationship will probably cause intense feelings – of anxiety and even panic.

However, pressurising your partner at this point won't usually get you the answers you crave!

Why?

Your partner may not  actually know what he/she feels or wants and pressurising them will probably only cause further negativity.

So what is a better course of action?

I will talk more about this in the next post….

Are you deadlocked with someone over an important issue?

What type of conflict negotiation strategy would suit you best?

Consider the following example:

A client, Jim,  came to see me for counselling the other day, complaining of high levels of stress. He is in a marriage with Sue, and they have three young children. He and his wife are partners in a number of businesses. He says that his wife wants to start her own business without any "interference" from him.

Jim and Sue have an extremely volatile relationship – Jim he is unsure as to whether or not he wants to remain married or get divorced.

I did a full assessment of Jim, and came to the conclusion that his relationship problems were causing the lion's share of his stress and recommended that Sue get involved in the process.

What type of intervention do Jim and Sue need?

As Jim reports that Sue says she is open to being involved, couple counselling or mediation are possibilities (both couple counselling and mediation are not  likely to work without buy-in from both parties).

Couple counselling would be my intervention of choice if the couple wished to work on their relationship whilst mediation would be a suitable strategy if the couple wished to concentrate on trying to resolve issues concerning their businesses.  Mediation would also be indicated if the couple decided that their marriage was no longer viable and that they wished to divorce. 

In order to mediate the business-related issues successfully, Jim and Sue could consider finding a conciliator – a mediator with an in-depth knowledge of the issues and domain under discussion – in this case business practices. (My partner, Ian Gillespie, was called on at a certain point in the process, therefore, as he has extensive business experience). A conciliator thus, because he or she has extensive knowledge in a particular area, may depart from a "pure" mediation approach by also providing information and advice.

Should, for arguements sake, this couple eventually decide to divorce, a facilitation clause in their consent paper would allow for a facilitator to be appointed post-divorce. The facilitator's role would be to look after the best interests of the children (in line with the Children's Act). Should the parents disagree on any matter relating to the care and contact of the children, the facilitator would step in and first attempt to resolve the conflict through mediation. However, if this proves to be unsuccessful, a facilitator has the power to make a decision about an issue,  and have it enforced by means of a directive.

So whether you decide on couple counselling, mediation, conciliation or facilitation, I suggest that, for your peace of mind, that  you make sure that the practitioner(s)  you choose is/are professionally qualified and accredited with relevant professional organisations such as the Health Professions Council and the Family Mediation Association of the Cape (FAMAC). 

If you are currently pregnant (or that your partner is pregnant), or you have just become a parent for the first time, it is an exciting and challenging time!

Newby moms and dads have a great deal to adjust to, so it is important to start the process as soon as you get the news!

So what can you do to make this journey as happy and smooth as possible and  how can you help your partner prepare for this new, exciting stage in your relationship?

1. Communicate, communicate! From the first

moment you find out that you are pregnant, begin to talk to your partner about the implications and ramifications for yourselves as individuals and also as a couple.  Becoming a parent and co-parenting with your spouse or partner presents many and varied challenges – to talk about and explore these beforehand will stand you in good stead for when the baby arrives.

2.  Operate as a team and be there for each other. Ask your partner what he/she needs from you at the various stages of the pregnancy and after the birth. A strong, mutually supportive relationship at this stage will ensure that when the baby arrives, an immediate family bond is established, which becomes a strong foundation for the future.

3. Look out for signs of emotional distress in your partner. Pre- and post-partum depression and anxiety is quite common and mostly goes unrecognised. Although emotion fluctuations are normal in pregnancy and post-delivery because of strong hormonal fluctuations,  if you notice that your partner seems depressed and/or anxious for

days on end, if she has trouble sleeping and stops doing her usually daily activities, it is important that you encourage her to go for counselling.

4. Make sure you are prepared for the delivery (both practically and psychologically).

Whether you opt for a natural birth or for a caesarian section, be aware that things don’t always go according to plan, so it is important not to get too invested in one option as circumstances may dictate a different scenario entirely.

5. Get support from outside.

The first weeks as new parents will be a roller-coaster ride! Make sure you have adequate family and/or friends around for support, as well as nursing/breastfeeding/medical backup.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.