It appears that we can blame it on evolution!

Why is it so difficult to stop our minds drifting to unpleasant and anxiety-provoking topics? Often this happens in the middle of the night, especially to insomniacs who often find that their thoughts prevent them from getting back to sleep.

Well, evolutionary psychologists put it down to the way in which our brains are wired, says Ronald Siegel in his article entitled “West meets East” in the September/October edition of Psychotherapy Networker (in which he discussed the link between psychotherapy and Eastern spiritual practices, such as mindfulness).

The arguement goes that the human beings of today have survived through natural selection only because, through thousands of years, they are the ones who were constantly on the lookout for danger and needed to be extremely adept at anticipating possible risks and life-threatening situations. So anxiety and fear kept you alive whilst happiness and complacency got you killed.

So, although the world has changed a great deal since the days of our cavemen ancestors, our physiology and the wiring of our brains have remained more or less the same, causing us to react to (usually) benign life events, such as traffic snarl-ups and work pressure, asif they were of the magnitude of a tiger hiding in the shadows, waiting to pounce.

So if we are wired for anxiety and stress, what can be done about it?

First it is necessary to develop an awareness of the problem. Then with the help of cognitive-behavioural techniques (CBT), relaxation training and mindfulness techniques it is possible to gain control of one’s thoughts and to calm down the mind. It is important to take on board that one’s thoughts are merely a product of one’s mind and are not necessarily accurate. It is quite possible to substitute more balanced thoughts for thoughts that lead to anxiety, stress and depression. This will help to calm the mind, paving the way for a more measured, focused and appreciative approach to life, including one’s relationships.

And this can only lead to an inhanced feeling of happiness and contentment!

It goes without saying that, in the 21st Century, the majority of psychologists and psychotherapists believe that individuals are all capable of making positive changes to their lives, no matter how old they (or we) may be, that change is possible right up to the moment that we take our last breath.

(This was not always the case. Freud, for example, believed that human development was complete after adolescence).

The great news is that increasingly detailed knowledge of the structure and workings of the brain from the exciting and rapidly developing field of neuroscience seem to back up this view. Neuroscientists speak

about “neuroplasticity” of the brain, meaning that our brains are

“a work in progress”, no matter what how old we are and that we are capable of  by doing and thinking in different ways, people are able to change old, counterproductive patterns of behaviour and ways of relating to partners, children and the world in general.

How can this be achieved?

First, old, dysfunctional patterns need to be interrupted and changed. This invariably happens in all forms of successful psychotherapy.

Second, the person needs to be trained to focus their attention in a conscious, purposeful way

Third,  a psychotherapist will help the client identify and then start to practise, new , more positive and healthy habits and patterns of behaviour, forming new neural networks in the brain. (see Pat Ogden, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Susan Aposhyan:Body-Mind Psychotherapy).

I see it as most encouraging that the new findings coming fromthe field of  neuroscience  provide scientific support to our work as psychologists and psychotherapists, and that psychologists utilising many different approaches, from Positive Psychology to Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), all have the above, central elements in common!

Reference: Psychotherapy Networker, March/April 2011

In my psychology practice I often have clients who tell me that they are in relationships with “difficult” people and they tell me that they want to develop the skills to cope with their highly problematic other half! (This request usually only happens once they accept that it is unlikely that their partner will change to any significant degree!).

One client I have paints a picture of her partner as irrational, jealous and passive aggressive. When he succeeds in pushing her buttons (which he manages to do pretty often), she in turns becomes frustrated and angry, leading to a major blow-up which throws the family into turmoil for days.

She asks me what can she do to contain these types of situations.

My approach is to suggest that she look at her expectations of her partner. Her high frustration levels are a sign that she is comparing his behaviour with some idealised image of how she considers he should be and she is angry and disappointed when he falls short. I often say to clients that we should base our expectations on how the person has behaved in the past en though we may hope that they might surprise us in a positive way!

I also believe that it is important for each of us to gain control of our emotions, in particular our anger. Mindfulness is an extremely effective means of gaining the necessary self-awareness and focus to track one’s thoughts and emotions in the present (as they are occuring), in order to stay calm and in an adult mode. If one partner succeeds in doing this, the “relationship dance” is altered and negative patterns such as repetitive arguements can be eliminated.

I tell my individual clients and the couples who come to see me that, even when you strongly disagree with our partner, it is important to try to maintain empathy for their point of view (this is often a very difficult thing to do, especially when emotions are running high). You can then acknowledge how they feel and then give your point of view, using the word “and” rather than “but” to contrast your own point of view. In this way your partner will feel heard and acknowledged.

So when you are about to have a disagreement with someone, always ask yourself what is your goal is in every case and also how realistic your goal is.  (Often people merely want to let off steam and although this may relieve frustration in the short term it may seriously damage your relationship!).

It is also a good idea afterwards to evaluate whether or not you think you managed to achieve this goal!

Research has consistently indicated that people, on average, feel happier and more emotionally stable as they move into middle and old age. This seems surprising as this period of one’s life is when we become acutely aware that our bodies and minds are not as efficient as they were in our youth, and when we experience health-related problems and physical and psychological losses and crises.

However, it appears that in the midst of all our ageing-related challenges and problems we are nontheless more happy and emotionally stable according to an article in the journal Psychology and Aging (October 2010), as cited in New Therapist Magazine (January/February 2011)

Why is this?

Perhaps because:

As we get older we become more aware of our mortality and that time is running out. We therefore live in a more mindful and balanced way, enjoying the joys and pleasures of the everyday life, taking nothing for granted.

We become more and more aware that our time on this earth is limited and this leads to our becoming a lot more selective in what we choose to do with our time.

In my view, the take-home message from this research is : we could all live happier lives, irrespective of our age, if we make a point of living every day in a mindful, balanced way!

And that Positive Psychology and Mindfulness training should be considered integral to psychotherapy!