It all boils down to their primary attachment style!
How good is your partner’s relationship with his or her mother?
Psychologists and researchers have long known that the way we relate to our romantic partner mirrors our very fir
st relationship with our primary caregiver (usually our mother or father). Four attachment styles were identified: secure, avoidant, anxious-ambivalent and disorganised (Bowlby and Ainsworth).
The secure attachment style is ideal. If your partner lets you be yourself but also values intimacy with you, he/she is likely to have had a secure relationship from birth with his/her mother. On the other hand a partner who tends to be emotionally distant probably had a primary attachment style characterised as avoidant – this style developed because the child could not rely on the mother as a source of comfort.
In anxious-ambivalent early relationships, the child looks for comfort from the mother but the mother’s presence also causes heightened anxiety. When someone is in an intimate relationship with a partner with this attachment style, they will experience him/her as demanding and possessive but also emotionally unavailable and rejecting.
If your partner’s attachment style is disorganised, he/she probably regards relationships as dangerous because their primary attachment bond provided no safety or nurturance. These individuals will rarely let their guard down with their partner and any real intimacy will be difficult to achieve.
Although our early relationship bonds are extremely important in shaping our intimate relationships as adults, it is important to keep in mind that we are all capable of making positive changes in our relationships if we are sufficiently motivated and patient!