Over the thirty years in private psychotherapy practice, I have seen quite a number of couples who present with one of the partners having or having had, an affair. This type of infidelity can range from inappropriate sexting to full-on physical affairs.
How do committers of affairs in committed relationships make sense of their behaviour to themselves? How do they envisage what impact their illicit relationship will have on their spouse and on the future of their marriage?
I have identified a number of common beliefs held by those who fall into this category, which I refer to as “myths” because they often amount to rationalizations and wishful thinking.
Here are a number of these recurring myths (the reality of the situation I have placed in brackets):
- I can keep my affair secret. It will therefore have no effect on my marriage. (The partner invariably discovers the affair, due, for example, to small changes in their partner’s behaviour or incriminating messages they find on their spouse’s phone).
- After the affair my life can go on as normal and my partner will learn to trust me again. (An affair usually causes a veritable emotional tsunami in the relationship, affecting all aspects of life. Often the children and other family members become involved, leading to a great deal of hurt, anger and disillusionment in all concerned. Reconciliation with one’s partner is certainly not guaranteed and will require a long, painful journey to the restoration of trust).
- I will never have to reveal the full extent and details of my affair to my partner. (Often the partner will insist on full disclosure if there is any hope for reconciliation).
- After the affair is revealed and I am apologized and shown remorse, we can consider the chapter closed and move on with our marriage. (Reconciliation, if possible, usually involves a long process requiring commitment and patience from both partners. When trust is broken, the relationship will be irrevocably altered. For this reason, writers who describe this process refer to a “second marriage” post-affair).
- If I have an affair this will have not affect how I see myself. (If you regard yourself as an honest, caring, kind and ethical individual, committing infidelity must invariably lead do some soul-searching on your part as you become aware that your behaviour does not match the image you have of yourself – this is called cognitive dissonance. In my experience This could lead to an existential crisis and mental health consequences such as heightened levels of anxiety and depression.
In my experience, individuals who have affairs rarely think through the potentially devastating consequences of their decision, in which life will irrevocably be changed and where the recovery of a precious relationship is far from certain.
3 replies on “Common Myths about Infidelity Entertained by Many Spouses contemplating or having Affairs”
My wife cheated maybe still cheating with a colleague, our lives have turned upside down,her family is interfering taking her side without knowing the real reason. We have kids and she decided we separate but still share our bed as strangers. She insists we fix ourselves individually first and maybe we can reconnect. Is there hope here or am I fooling myself?
Yes, there is hope if both you and your wife are willing to work at reconciling. Individual counselling is highly beneficial and important for each partner. However, I am of the view that couple counselling should be initiated either before embarking on individual counselling, or both individual and couple counselling should occur simultaneously. Why do I say this? Often in individual therapy the therapist is focusing on the personal growth of their client in isolation. This can lead the client away from the path to reconciliation, which may not be in the best interests of the couple’s children and their partner’s wellbeing.
Yes, there is hope if both you and your wife are willing to work at reconciling. Individual counselling is highly beneficial and important for each partner. However, I am of the view that couple counselling should be initiated either before embarking on individual counselling, or both individual and couple counselling should occur simultaneously. Why do I say this? Often in individual therapy the therapist is focusing on the personal growth of their client in isolation. This can lead the client away from the path to reconciliation, which may not be in the best interests of the couple’s children and their partner’s wellbeing.