Tag: infidelity

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Common Myths about Infidelity Entertained by Many Spouses contemplating or having Affairs

Over the thirty years in private psychotherapy practice, I have seen quite a number of couples who present with one of the partners having or having had, an affair. This type of infidelity can range from inappropriate sexting to full-on physical affairs. 

How do committers of affairs in committed relationships make sense of their behaviour to themselves? How do they envisage what impact their illicit relationship will have on their spouse and on the future of their marriage? 

I have identified a number of common beliefs held by those who fall into this category, which I refer to as “myths” because they often amount to rationalizations and wishful thinking. 

Here are a number of these recurring myths (the reality of  the situation I have placed in brackets):

  1. I can keep my affair secret. It will therefore have no effect on my marriage. (The partner invariably discovers the affair, due, for example, to small changes in their partner’s behaviour or incriminating messages they find on their spouse’s phone).
  2.  After the affair my life can go on as normal and my partner will learn to trust me again. (An affair usually causes a veritable emotional tsunami in the relationship, affecting all aspects of life. Often the children and other family members become involved, leading to a great deal of hurt, anger and disillusionment in all concerned. Reconciliation with one’s partner is certainly not guaranteed and will require a long, painful journey to the restoration of trust).
  3. I will never have to reveal the full extent and details of my affair to my partner. (Often the partner will insist on full disclosure if there is any hope for reconciliation).
  4. After the affair is revealed and I am apologized and shown remorse, we can consider the chapter closed and move on with our marriage. (Reconciliation, if possible, usually involves a long process requiring commitment and patience from both partners. When trust is broken, the relationship will be irrevocably altered. For this reason, writers who describe this process refer to a “second marriage” post-affair).
  5. If I have an affair this will have not affect how I see myself. (If you regard yourself as an honest, caring, kind and ethical individual, committing infidelity must invariably lead do some soul-searching on your part  as you become aware that your behaviour does not match the image you have of yourself – this is called cognitive dissonance. In my experience This could lead to an existential crisis and mental health consequences such as heightened levels of anxiety and depression.

In my experience, individuals who have affairs rarely think through the potentially devastating consequences of their decision, in which life will irrevocably be changed and where the recovery of a precious relationship is far from certain. 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Your partner has cheated on you and you decide to stay. How do you cope?

What do you do when you find that your spouse has been having an illicit affair?

Of course one’s first impulse would be to say “I would certainly leave the relationship!” However, this is invariably not a simple or easy decision, especially when it involves potentially leaving a loved spouse and a long and committed relationship. This decision is even more difficult when a couple have children together and leaving a relationship would also  mean breaking up a family and putting the children’s psychological health in jeopardy.

Of course this choice involves a great deal of soul-searching and ambivalence. There are emotional risks and potential gains and losses attached to both options. For a partner who chooses to stay and to try to work on the marriage, the process is invariably a protracted and often lonely emotional roller-coaster ride. Often it may feel that it is all too much to handle. Concerned friends and family members often provide well-meaning advice but they are seldom able to understand fully what the individual is going though.

It is usual for a person in this situation to question their decision continually because it is so hard to hang in there. They simultaneously love and hate their “cheating” spouse and are obsessed by thoughts that their partner may still be involved in the other relationship. It often feels as if trust in the partner has been irrevocably lost and that there is no hope for reconciliation.

Partners who have been cheated on often ask themselves whether their decision to stay and work on the marriage let’s their spouse off the hook for his/her transgressions and thus makes it too easy for them to move on without any serious repercussions.

So how does someone who chooses to stay in their marriage post-infidelity cope with the emotional fall-out?

First, it is important that the person find someone they can confide in and who can allow them to explore their feelings and their ongoing internal struggles fully with no judgement or advice giving. This is often a tall order as the topic of infidelity brings out strong feelings in most people.

Talk honestly to your spouse and tell him how you feel and what you are going through every day. If  he/she shows understanding, patience and emotional support this is a good sign that there is acknowledgement of the harm that has been caused and a commitment to the long haul in healing the relationship. Explain the ambivalence you are feeling and explain what you need to enable you to cope and to stick with the process.

Focus on self-care and self-development. The shake-up of your marriage also presents an opportunity to think critically about your relationship prior to the infidelity and whether or not you permitted yourself to live totally authentically and develop your true potential. This may be a good time to make some significant changes.

Decide on what type of marriage you would like in the future and discuss this topic with your spouse. Ideally once you and your spouse have successfully worked through the aftermath of the infidelity you will be in a stronger and better place in your life as a result.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Infidelity in relationships. Why reconciliation is so difficult.

I was interviewed on Cape Talk on 5 September: How infidelity affects marriage and families.

Read the article here

Listen to the interview here

Infidelity is one of the main reasons couples arrive at my door. In the majority of cases couples maintain that they want to reconcile and heal their relationship.

In the first session I try to clear up all misconceptions that a couple may have concerning the hard path to reconciliation and the time frame involved.

I often tell clients that recovery from infidelity can be compared in certain respects to rehabilitation from substance dependence.

Why do I say that?

First, there is often a great deal of ambivalence involved. In many cases the cheating partner has developed strong feelings for the third party and is thus seriously conflicted about the choice he has to make. The relationship with the other person often fulfills an important role in the spouses life and has become an important coping resource. However, there is often also a great deal of denial and minimizing of the relationship on the part of the person who is having the affair.

In addition, both spouses are often in two minds about whether or not they want to embark on the difficult process of reconciliation. Hard work and endless patience will be required by both partners to keep the process on track. This ambivalence has to be resolved for the most part before couple counselling can begin in ernest. Often I see the partners separately for individual sessions in an effort to help each of them resolve any ambivalence they may be experiencing.

Trust in the cheating spouse has inevitably been lost and will be highly elusive for many months and perhaps years to come. I tell couples this but inevitably the spouse who has cheated runs out of patience pretty early on in the reconciliation process because they believe they are trying to put their best foot forward in the relationship and to be transparent about their behaviour and their whereabouts. However, their partner often fails to show much appreciation and continues to be angry and suspicious. This can cause the previously unfaithful spouse to waver in their decision to work on the relationship as they lose faith that their partner will eventually be able to move past their infidelity.

Couples who are battling with this process often ask me if there are any success stories.

I tell them “yes”. There are certain couples who report years after seeing me that their marriage is strong and mutually fulfilling. These couples often tell me that they have fewer illusions about themselves and each other but that they have a mature appreciation of their partner’s qualities and their tenacity in sticking with their reconciliation process.

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples, relationships and infidelity: Can your marriage survive the devastating impact of infidelity?

A marriage post-infidelity – is there any hope for reconciliation?

As a couples counsellor, I tend to write a great deal about infidelity. Why is this?

The main reason is that I see a great many instances of infidelity in my work with couples and I see first-hand the impact that it has on relationships. Many couples that I see are either trying to get their relationships  back on track post-infidelity or are grappling with ambivalence and confusion about whether or not to try to salvage their marriages.

A second reason is that helping a couple to recover their relationship post-infidelity is particularly difficult and challenging and demands a high degree of skill and experience.

Before I continue, I need to define what I mean by infidelity in this context. When it comes to relationships, any action or inaction that results in a major breach of trust can be regarded by a spouse as an infidelity – from secretly sending flirtatious text messages to a third party to a full-on sexual affair. I have found over the years that the extent or nature of the infidelity is no predictor of the extent or depth of a partner’s sense of hurt and betrayal – if the behaviour is perceived as a betrayal it will lead to a crisis where the affected partner is left to question the integrity of their spouse and the future viability of their union.  

Infidelity is, of course, not confined to the sexual realm but also to any other aspect of the relationship, such as the couples’ finances. Examples of financial infidelity include keeping major purchases secret from the spouse or withdrawing funds out of a joint bond account without the knowledge of their partner. 

As mentioned previously, infidelity is invariably so devastating to a relationship or marriage because trust is destroyed. Trust, together with commitment, is a pivotal aspect of any relationship according to the relationship guru, John Gottman. If trust between the partners is damaged or destroyed, the future of the relationship is very uncertain. Of course many relationships do survive infidelity. However, the recovery process is often long and hard. There are major challenges for both partners.

I will discuss these and the process involved in a future post.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Is you relationship in trouble? Opt for couple, not individual, counselling!

If you are having serious problems in your relationship, like infidelity, but want to save it, maybe because you still love each other and/or have children together, individual counselling at this precarious stage may actually do more harm than good!

Why do I say that?

1. Individual counselling or psychotherapy usually focuses on the interests and well-being of the client in the room. When things are looking bad in a relationship, it may seem that to struggle on will take a huge toll on the individual. The therapy may therefore be biased against maintaining the relationship.

2. The counsellor or therapist only hears one side of the story and it is therefore difficult to assess how viable the relationship actually is and how much the other person wants to work on things.

3. Major relationship problems like infidelity are unique to relationships. It is important that each partner understand the particular relationship dynamic underlying the problem and also how their partner experiences the problem from his/her perspective. This is essential to restore communication and to re-establish trust. This process can’t be kick-started in an individual counselling context. I fimly believe that couple counselling in this type of situation is the only way to go!

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Is it OK to have secrets in my marriage? Are secrets a form of infidelity?

Do you believe that you should tell your spouse or partner everything about yourself and your past? Or are there certain secrets that are “harmless” to your relationship?

Consider the following examples:

 

  1. Patrick and his wife Eve had made a pact to give up smoking together a year ago. Eve managed to stay smoke-free for about three months but after that she started having the odd cigarette in secret and now she is  smoking regularly but is not letting on to Patrick. She feels this is not a big deal because her marriage is strong.
  2. Is there something coming between us?

    Sipho is happily married to Neolitho but is also in regular SMS and e-mail contact with an old girlfriend. He says that his friendship is platonic and that it does not impact negatively on his marriage. He doesn’t tell his wife about it because he says it will only cause misunderstanding.

  3. Nancy is happily married to John but she has a secret retail therapy addiction. She regularly spends quite large amounts of money on clothes and accessories and hides her purchases from her husband as she feels that he will not understand or condone her behaviour.
  4. Mary has been married for five months and has not yet gathered up the courage to tell her new husband about the abortion she had as a teenager.

Which of these scenarios in your view are acceptable and which would qualify as serious breaches of a relationship?