A marriage post-infidelity – is there any hope for reconciliation?
As a couples counsellor, I tend to write a great deal about infidelity. Why is this?
The main reason is that I see a great many instances of infidelity in my work with couples and I see first-hand the impact that it has on relationships. Many couples that I see are either trying to get their relationships back on track post-infidelity or are grappling with ambivalence and confusion about whether or not to try to salvage their marriages.
A second reason is that helping a couple to recover their relationship post-infidelity is particularly difficult and challenging and demands a high degree of skill and experience.
Before I continue, I need to define what I mean by infidelity in this context. When it comes to relationships, any action or inaction that results in a major breach of trust can be regarded by a spouse as an infidelity – from secretly sending flirtatious text messages to a third party to a full-on sexual affair. I have found over the years that the extent or nature of the infidelity is no predictor of the extent or depth of a partner’s sense of hurt and betrayal – if the behaviour is perceived as a betrayal it will lead to a crisis where the affected partner is left to question the integrity of their spouse and the future viability of their union.
Infidelity is, of course, not confined to the sexual realm but also to any other aspect of the relationship, such as the couples’ finances. Examples of financial infidelity include keeping major purchases secret from the spouse or withdrawing funds out of a joint bond account without the knowledge of their partner.
As mentioned previously, infidelity is invariably so devastating to a relationship or marriage because trust is destroyed. Trust, together with commitment, is a pivotal aspect of any relationship according to the relationship guru, John Gottman. If trust between the partners is damaged or destroyed, the future of the relationship is very uncertain. Of course many relationships do survive infidelity. However, the recovery process is often long and hard. There are major challenges for both partners.
I will discuss these and the process involved in a future post.