Tag: couples counselling

When I see couples in my practice I invariably ask them what attracted them to each other initially. Sometimes I get some surprising answers!

What initially attracted you to your significant other? Looking back, do you feel that your first impressions were accurate and did they predict a long and happy partnership?

It has been said that often we chose partners for the qualities we later find extremely problematic and sometimes these become the reason for the eventual demise of the relationship!

Why is this?

We all change as we grow older, to a greater or lesser degree. We also need to adapt to the changes in our partner too. If this doesn’t happen, the relationship starts to suffer.

For example, if someone chooses a partner because they are assertive and decisive, this might become a problem later in life when the partner becomes more assertive and then starts to resent his/her spouse for being domineering.

Perhaps, therefore, whilst usually opting to “follow our heart” when it comes to choosing a life partner, we should also analyze more critically a prospective partner’s qualities, values and goals in life in terms of whether or not they are and will be a match for our own, both now and in the future.

The publication Psychology Today recently posted an article on this topic entitled “What to seek in a long-term partner”, citing accessibility, responsiveness and engagement as core qualities.

What would you view as essential characteristics in a prospective partner?

If you have been in a relationship for quite some time, did the qualities you initially found attractive actually stand the test of time?

On Sunday this week I was asked to take part in a CapeTalk podcast on the subject of infidelity.

PODCAST: ‘An emotional affair can be equally as hurtful as sexual infidelity’

One question that was put to me was regarding whether or not a partner who has been cheated on in a relationship also needs to make changes in order for the couple to reconcile and recover their bond. When listening to the podcast the next day I realized that I hadn’t answered the question!

I regret this omission as this is an important question. 

When one partner cheats in a relationship it is a sign that the couple aren’t communicating totally openly and that there is some degree of estrangement. The degree and quality of this “disconnect” will vary between couples of course. I couples where the disconnect is severe, the partners would tend to keep a great deal of their inner lives very private. As a consequence, each partner will start to live a disconnected life and will, to all intents and purposes, start to “suit” themselves when it comes to choices and decisions.

When an infidelity is discovered, and the couple decide to try to work through the associated hurt and betrayal, they have to begin to become a “we” again, with the resultant requirement of mutual compromise and consideration. For the partner who has been cheated upon, this is often a very difficult pill to swallow as there is usually a great deal of anger and resistance to the suggestion that there is a joint responsibility on the partners to work towards a mutually satisfactory and satisfying quality of life as a couple.

For example, where a couple have not had an intimate connection for some time and one of the couple has an affair, then the spotlight is put on the nature and quality of their sex life when they attempt to reconcile. In this scenario, the partner who has been cheated on is often privately quite content with not having sex with their partner and now feels pressurized to reconnect on an intimate level. This is particularly common in couples who are no longer young as is not an easy problem for couples to solve!

Often a compassionate and empathetic professional can make all the difference in helping such individuals find a way forward in their lives that will work for each of them.

Perhaps you don’t believe in criteria at all?!

Many of my clients in my clients in my clinical psychology practice are preoccupied with relationships – past, current or future.

What makes for a compatible partner?

Do you look for certain attributes, like intelligence and a sense of humour in a prospective partner?

A recent article in Psychology Today highlighted an often overlooked dimension – that of relationship compatibility. https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/in-the-name-love/201908/the-best-way-find-partner-whos-right-you#_=_

If you are looking for the ideal partner you need to look at yourself as well. For example, if you are a stay-at-home introvert but are attracted to someone who is the life of every party, will this work out long term? Or of you are very careful with money and have long-term investment goals will you be happy with a person who believes in living for today and who spends his/her money accordingly?

Of course many other factors will affect likelihood of long-term happiness and relationship satisfaction such as capacity for empathy, compassion and kindness, which are often overlooked as well!

If not, what aspects are preventing you and your partner achieving a mutually fulfilling relationship?

Over the years I have provided couple counselling to many unhappy couples who are experiencing major problems in their relationships. In many cases couples tend to wait much too long before accessing couples counselling when relationship problems have become chronic and trust and goodwill between the partners has become seriously eroded.

What issues often undermine relationships?

1. Infidelity. Cheating on one’s partner, whether it be a fully-fledged sexual affair, secret texting to a third party or even spending money without the partner’s knowledge often places any relationship under serious strain. Partners often have unrealistic expectations that infidelity can be swept under the carpet after a brief discussion and/or apology. This is invariably not the case. A lengthy process is usually involved, where both partners need to commit to the long haul of recovery.
2. Chronic arguments that do not get resolved successfully but tend to recur over the months and years on a regular basis. In couples, this type of habitual and long-term conflict often centres around disagreements around money, parenting, friends and in-laws.
3. Poor communication. When partners are dissatisfied about the quality of their communication, this often indicates relationship problems. Intimacy becomes an early casualty of poor communication as partners who no longer communicate their deeper feelings and needs to their partner are invariably removing themselves emotionally from their relationship. Resentments and misunderstandings often result, which takes the relationship further into a negative cycle.

Relationship deterioration can happen suddenly, for example in the cases where infidelity is discovered or revealed, or can happen gradually and often unconsciously over months and years.

It is a good ideal to regularly gauge the health of your relationship by couples asking each other the question “Are we happy” and “what can we do to improve our relationship happiness”. As with our physical health and fitness, relationship health, too,  requires regular work to maintain peak happiness!

Consider the following scenario:

Your intimate partner is regularly staying late at work. You know that the only other person in the office after hours is your spouse’s attractive and single boss.  In addition they often have “working” lunches together.

Do you have a right to object?

I have just come across an article in Psychology Today which addresses this question:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201005/adultery-what-counts-and-who-decides

The author of the article states that infidelity is in the eye of the beholder – that if you or your partner objects to a certain behaviour of on the part of the other, that said behaviour should be stopped.

However, how do you determine whether or not concerns about your partner’s actions are rational and justifiable?

Should your partner always alter their behaviour based on your reservations and/or insecurities? The main problem that arises is that the person whose behaviour is questioned will feel that their partner does not totally trust them, which will very likely cause major problems between the couple.  Taken to the extreme a relationship where this type of dynamic is initiated could start to feel extremely constricting and unhappy.

So what is the answer when insecurities arise in a relationship?

I am of the view that these types of issues need to be discussed in an open discussion between the couple. It is important that each partner not come into the discussion being convinced that they are right and that their partner is wrong. Empathy and goodwill are essential in order that a decision can be reached that each partner is able to live with.

If you find that this type of discussion tends to become heated and that you and your partner battle to constructively resolve important issues, it is advisable that you find a wise and unbiased third party who can help you find mutually acceptable solutions.

Why is recovery from infidelity so difficult?

As we all know, intimate relationships are based on a foundation of trust.

When one partner admits to their spouse that they have been unfaithful, trust disappears in an instant, causing the dynamic between the couple to change radically.

The first question that couples in this position ask me when they enter couples counselling is whether their relationship can be saved. This is impossible to answer upfront as many aspects come into play, including both individual personality factors, the history and dynamics of the relationship as well as the nature of the infidelity and the meaning and significance of the infidelity from the point of view of each partner.

My couple counselling clients often underestimate the personal strengths and commitment that will be required in order to survive as a couple. I would equate the process to climbing Everest successfully if you have only ever climbed Table Mountain beforehand!