Tag: couples counselling

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Conflict and anger. How are these handled in your relationship?

Is your relationship happy and healthy?

If so, you are probably handling disagreements and conflict in a constructive way.

Its never easy to confront one’s partner of sensitive and painful issues that come up in our everyday lives. Doing this well requires mindfulness, empathy and respect. However, when faced with problems that evoke hot emotions, many people tend to respond and react instinctively and say and do things in the heat of the moment that they later regret.

In many cases individuals don’t blow up with each other, however one or the other withdraws themselves from their partner and goes into a “sulk” for days or weeks on end. This pattern can be equally damaging as issues don’t ever get resolved and merely get pushed under the carpet.

If this pattern continues unchecked over time, the relationship can be severely damaged, sometimes irreparably if the resultant hurt and disillusionment is so severe that one or both partners decides that they can’t see a future for their relationship.

If you are finding that you and your partner are not dealing well with conflict, it may be a good idea to seek help. Sometimes one of the couple will come for counselling to help them manage their anger and frustration, but first prize is, of course, if both partner come in for couple counselling so that the issues within the relationship can be worked on by both partners. This gives the relationship the best chance to recover and even to thrive.

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Successful partner bids. Why these are crucial to healthy relationships.

What are partner relationship bids*?

Consider the following example:

You experience an upsetting incident at work and arrive home feeling highly emotional and stressed. You need desperately to tell your partner about it in order to offload and get some emotional support. However, when you try to bring up the topic your spouse is preoccupied with checking something on his/her phone and mumbles something about discussing the issue later and promptly forgets about it altogether.

This is an example of an unsuccessful partner bid.

We constantly make all kinds of bids in our relationships, including bids for:

attention

consideration

support

love

help and

understanding .

Successful bids cement relationships and bring couples closer. Unsuccessful bids, on the other hand, tend to reduce intimacy and cause relationship dissatisfaction and unhappiness. (Of course it is not possible for every relationship bid to be successful as we are all making numerous relationship bids in every interaction we make every day. However, what is important is our general receptiveness and openness to the needs of other people in our lives and our mindfulness regarding the importance of maintaining good relationship bonds).

Susan Johnson, who pioneered Emotion-focused Couple Therapy, maintains that the fundamental question each of us asks ourselves (often unconsciously) in respect of our intimate partner is:

“Is he/she there for me when I need him/her?”. The answer to this question will determine one’s degree of relationship satisfaction.

We should therefore not take for the granted the importance of being present and responsive in our relationships.

When psychologists talk about the importance of constantly and consistently working on relationships, this is what it is all about!

 

It might be an idea to ask yourself whether or not you are paying sufficient attention to your partner and to his/her needs.

And what role does technology play in the health of your relationship?! More on this topic in a future post!

 

  • * John Gottman’s term.

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Would you like to improve your relationship?

Current research can show you the way!

When it comes to relationship well-being I believe that both happy and unhappy couples could do with some pointers on how to improve their relationship.

Couple counsellors and their clients are fortunate in being able to access, and make use of  research findings with provides us with insight into what to do, and what not to do, if one want to foster a happy, fulfilling intimate relationship.

Psychologist John Gottman is the “guru” in this field and has written a number of publications which outline his findings over 40 years of work in studying couples’ interactions under rigorous scientific conditions. His findings are enormously useful and I routinely recommend his books to my clients who are having relationship problems.

So what does his research reveal?

When comparing groups of couples in long-term relationships – one group consisting of happy couples and the second who are unhappy in their relationship – the following differences were found to be especially significant:

  1. In everyday conversation happy couples expressed statements in the form of positive emotions rather than in a negative state in a ratio 5:1. Couples in trouble tended to a ratio of 1:1 or less.

(Examples of positive emotional states include: a calm frame of mind, being interested, affectionate, humorous or empathetic towards one’s partner whilst examples of negative emotional states include being dismissive, contemptuous, stonewalling, being angry or defensive, appearing hurt, belligerent or domineering).

2. When couples have arguments it is crucially important to a positive outcome that the partner initiating the conversation introduce the topic with a soft (as opposed to a hard) start up. A soft start-up involves framing a topic with care and consideration when you are calm and in control. Tacking a topic when you are upset or angry will almost guarantee an unsuccessful, and potentially damaging, outcome.

3. Another important aspect to effective conflict resolution in relationships involves successful repair when arguments get our of hand. It has been shown that the main reason unhappy couples battle to reverse the negative cycle in the relationship is due to a general failure to make successful repair attempts during arguments. This makes it especially difficult to for troubled couples to rectify their negative/positive emotion ratio.

I will discuss further aspects of this research in future posts.

Reference:

John and Julie Gottman. The Science of Togetherness. Making Couples Therapy more Effective. In Psychotherapy Networker (September/October 2017).

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Infidelity in relationships. Why reconciliation is so difficult.

I was interviewed on Cape Talk on 5 September: How infidelity affects marriage and families.

Read the article here

Listen to the interview here

Infidelity is one of the main reasons couples arrive at my door. In the majority of cases couples maintain that they want to reconcile and heal their relationship.

In the first session I try to clear up all misconceptions that a couple may have concerning the hard path to reconciliation and the time frame involved.

I often tell clients that recovery from infidelity can be compared in certain respects to rehabilitation from substance dependence.

Why do I say that?

First, there is often a great deal of ambivalence involved. In many cases the cheating partner has developed strong feelings for the third party and is thus seriously conflicted about the choice he has to make. The relationship with the other person often fulfills an important role in the spouses life and has become an important coping resource. However, there is often also a great deal of denial and minimizing of the relationship on the part of the person who is having the affair.

In addition, both spouses are often in two minds about whether or not they want to embark on the difficult process of reconciliation. Hard work and endless patience will be required by both partners to keep the process on track. This ambivalence has to be resolved for the most part before couple counselling can begin in ernest. Often I see the partners separately for individual sessions in an effort to help each of them resolve any ambivalence they may be experiencing.

Trust in the cheating spouse has inevitably been lost and will be highly elusive for many months and perhaps years to come. I tell couples this but inevitably the spouse who has cheated runs out of patience pretty early on in the reconciliation process because they believe they are trying to put their best foot forward in the relationship and to be transparent about their behaviour and their whereabouts. However, their partner often fails to show much appreciation and continues to be angry and suspicious. This can cause the previously unfaithful spouse to waver in their decision to work on the relationship as they lose faith that their partner will eventually be able to move past their infidelity.

Couples who are battling with this process often ask me if there are any success stories.

I tell them “yes”. There are certain couples who report years after seeing me that their marriage is strong and mutually fulfilling. These couples often tell me that they have fewer illusions about themselves and each other but that they have a mature appreciation of their partner’s qualities and their tenacity in sticking with their reconciliation process.

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples : How good are you at communicating with your partner?

Do you routinely practice the one essential skill that is essential to good communication?

Clients who see me for couple counselling invariably mention upfront that they lack the ability to communicate effectively. When this is the case, intimacy is an inevitable casualty.

My couples usually report either very little communication, or conversations that become heated very quickly and nothing gets resolved as a result.

So what are these couples doing or not doing to produce this sad state of affairs?

Of course each couple’s dynamic, or relationship dance, is unique to them. However, certain patterns tend to occur in troubled relationships.

When partners are unhappy with each other they are usually in a state of high defensiveness, and because of this they aren’t usually really listening to their partner in any meaningful way. In this type of situation, partners will often hear selectively as they are triggered by certain words, phrases or a tone of voice that their partner uses and they will be preparing a defensive response.  

Each partner has built up a set of negative assumptions about the other in their minds are they are thus primed to hear only supporting evidence, much like the pattern underlying stereotypes and prejudices.

So what is this important skill?

It is “active listening”.

I can hear you say that this is old news! However, how many couples habitually practice the skill of listening carefully to understand what the other person is trying to convey? If you are doing this correctly, you will habitually ask the other person for clarity if and when you are unsure as to their meaning or intent. You will know when you are getting it right because you will be aware that you are in the mode of a curious investigator and not of a judge!

This is, of course, is difficult to do when you are unhappy with your partner and takes some practice! Sometimes a “talking stick” is a good idea to start with. The person who has the floor holds the stick until their partner gets confirmation from him/her that their meaning has been totally understood before the stick is handed over to the other partner for his/her input.

It is important to also make sure that you understand your partners feelings about what they are conveying to you. If you are unsure, ask for clarity.

This approach can go a long way to restoring intimacy in your relationship!

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: How healthy is your communication?

If unhealthy, what can you do about it?

In my practice I see many unhappy couples. Most report that they have problems with their communication. They often complain of a lack of meaningful interaction – either there exists a “cold war” in which couples give each other the silent treatment, or there is a full-on conflict situation, where anger levels peak and disrespect and even contempt become a dominant pattern.

When these two patterns are well-established in a relationship, it is a sure indication that the couple are in serious trouble. Couple counsellors refer to a couple’s “relationship dance” – the unconscious interactive style of a couple, which can either promote intimacy in happy couples or it can become a negative pattern when relationships go wrong.  Arguments tend to occur when one partner says or does something that represents a “trigger” to the other person, initiating a negative response, which causes the other person to react in turn in a defensive manner. Before the couple know what has happened, they are caught up in a very destructive interaction –  a so-called “toxic embrace”.

Because this process happens outside of their awareness, couples often report having frequent fights but are at a loss as to why they happen so regularly and become so heated. 

So how can this pattern be reversed?

First it is important to become mindful of what happens when you and your partner fight. Identify your and your partners “triggers” and become aware of what thoughts go through your mind in response because these thoughts will determine your emotional response.

Second – notice how you react – what you do and what you say. Unhappy couples often slip into disrespectful ways of interacting with their “loved one”. Ask yourself whether you would speak to a friend or a colleague in the same way. If not, you could resolve not to allow yourself to slip into the “bad habit” of labeling your partner as, for example, ” selfish”, “lazy” or “narcissistic’,  and not to treat him/her in a dismissive fashion. You could rather pledge to acknowledge your partner’s positive good points and his/her contribution to your lives. This is, of course, difficult to achieve when a relationship is in serious trouble as there is usually a lack of goodwill between the partners and thus a disinclination to be the one to “play nice”.

If you can’t make progress by implementing these ideals, I suggest that go for some help without delay – waiting too long will further reduce the possibility that the relationship can be turned around.

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Partner incompatibility – Can your relationship survive this problem?

Can you have a happy marriage despite having major differences in your values, goals or priorities?

Many unhappy couples that I see in my practice are grappling with incompatibility issues in their relationship. For example, partners may have divergent views about money, religion, parenthood or parenting approaches. In some cases couples were already aware of clashes in their worldviews prior to committing to their relationships. In other couples, however, major incompatibilities may surface or develop only at a later stage in the marriage.

However, at what stage an incompatibility arose is usually not a major issue when couples come for relationship counseling. The fundamental question usually concerns whether or not the couple are able to find a way of resolving the impasse – often the future of the relationship depends on finding a mutually acceptable approach to dealing with problem so that it does not continue to generate high levels of conflict and unhappiness.

When intimate partners enter counselling and therapy they each invariably express the view that they are in the right and that their partner is wrong in terms of his/her beliefs, goals, priorities or behaviour. The opinion is often expressed that, should the partner agree to change in this regard, that harmony in the relationship would be re-established.

Thus one of my first first priorities in couple counselling is to encourage a non-judgemental stance on the part of the couple and to shift the conversation tone from one of criticism and blame to a more co-operative, problem-solving frame of mind.

 

In a following post I will explore this issue further with reference to case examples in order to illustrate how couples go about finding solutions to the issue of incompatibility.

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Emotional Responsiveness in Relationships. Is your partner not responsive to your needs?

Why is emotional responsiveness so important in relationships?

According to Emotion Focused Couple Counselling the fundamental question a partner asks themselves, often unconsciously,  (in respect to their other half) is “is he/she really there for me when I need him/her?”. This refers, of course, to a whole spectrum of needs – from the purely practical to the deeply emotional.

Many partners who come to me for couple counselling complain that their partner is not responsive to their needs. For example, partners often  complain that the significant other tends to be on their phone 24/7, even when they are out on date night or that there is no longer an intimate connection between the couple and no quality time is spent together anymore.

Many a client has actually accused their partner of being narcissistic because there is a total lack of consideration of their partner’s feelings and needs!

Of course there can be a number of different reasons for a partner’s lack of responsiveness.

It could be that over time the relationship has deteriorated gradually or the couple has merely drifted apart over the years through a lack of focus and prioritizing of their relationship. This is especially common when children arrive. Rarely is it due to an inherent aspect of one, or both partner’s personality.

Is this something that can be rectified?

Of course, if the cause of a couple’s problems are related primarily to a lack of attention, consideration and care on the part of a partner, with sufficient motivation and effort their would be hope that the couple could re-establish their intimate connection. Sometimes couples need help in this regard, though, as good communication skills are essential for relationship satisfaction. However, if there has been a major breach in trust between the couple due to infidelity, for example, the process of reconnecting emotionally becomes infinitely more difficult and will take considerably patience, commitment and time.

In some cases, partners are, in fact trying to be responsive but their spouse fails to recognize or acknowledge their efforts, as outlined in the book “The Seven Love Languages”.

In all relationships communication is key. Let your partner know what you need from them and make sure that you keep in touch with your spouse on an emotionally intimate level. Make sure, too, that you prioritize quality time for yourselves as a couple!

 

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Your cellphone and your relationship.

Are they compatible?

And how is your cellphone affecting your relationship?

Of course technology has brought some amazing benefits to our lives – from a social point of view we can communicate with our family and friends instantly and cheaply and we take this for granted most of the time.

However in my practice I am struck by how often technology can become a real problem in relationships – the most common complaints involve partners finding that their spouse has been secretly texting (and in some cases sexting) other people or partners feeling that they are being ignored by their other half, who is focused 24/7 on his/her phone.

I usually suggest to couples that cellphone etiquette in the relationship should be negotiated upfront in order to come to an agreement on what rules and boundaries. It is best to do this early in a relationship before any problems develop. Aspects that may be considered could include privacy issues (are partners free to access their partners phone at all times?) and  technology time-outs such as during meal-times and in the bedroom.

Of course this issue is not always easy to resolve, especially when one (or both) of the partners needs to stay in touch with the outside world because of work-related responsibilities. However, I believe that if both partners agree that their relationship health is a top priority they will be committed to finding a private life/social connection balance that will work for them both.

In my experience, the time and effort involved in doing so will pay off in relationship satisfaction!

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

The Role of Empathy in relationships.

Is it ever possible to ever have too much empathy?

Empathy is an essential when it comes to meaningful and successful relationships – right? I don’t think many of us would argue with that!

Without empathy we could not be able to understand another person’s point of view and be able to acknowledge that his or her feelings and points of view should be acknowledged and taken into account even when they may differ substantially or radically from our own. Emotional empathy provides a further dimension in that it allows us to experience how someone else feels. We do this through and careful interaction and active listening.

On of the essentials in successful couple counselling is to encourage mutual empathy between partners as an empathic connection is often lost when the relationship is in trouble. This is often a real challenge as anger and resentment will usually block empathic attunement. 

It seems, strange, therefore to suggest that too much empathy can also present a problem!

Can you think of instances where this may be the case?

For example, consider an abused partner who states that he/she will not leave a relationship out of concern that their spouse will not be able to cope without them? Or a spouse or mother who gets into debt in order to continue to support the lifestyle and drug habit of their loved one.

This dynamic is particularly difficult to address in therapy as the individual concerned is usually heavily invested in continuing with their (essentially self-destructive) interaction pattern. Often a third party, such as a concerned family member, will sound the alarm and suggest that the person concerned come for counselling. The referring person usually feels a sense of impotence as the person concerned seems intent on pursuing their self-sacrificing behaviour.

Do you know anyone who tends to be overly empathic? And where do you stand when it comes to a capacity for empathy?

Perhaps you might consider sounding out your partner or close friend on the subject! You could ask them how empathetic they think you are!