Tag: communication in relationships

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Do you consider yourself good relationship material?

And why this matters!

Perhaps you have been in a happy and fulfilling relationship for a long time! If so, to what do you attribute this success?

(Do you see this as predominantly due to mutual hard work, your partner’s positive attributes or perhaps are own? Perhaps you see it as a combination of all three)?

I find it fascinating to ask this question of happy as well as unhappy couples.

I wonder if you can predict how the answers of these two groups differ from each other?

It goes without saying really. On average happy couples are generous with their praise of their partners’ positive attributes, such as patience, respect and appreciation for their “other half” whilst troubled couples tend to play the “blame game” and often battle to recall their partner’s positive aspects. Sometimes troubled couples even fail to recall what attracted them to their partner in the first place!

Each of us could do with reflecting regularly on what we personally bring into our most significant relationship, in areas such as:

Our unique personality make-up and attitude to life:

Are you an optimist or a pessimist, for example?

Are you even- tempered or moody? If you tend to be depressed or if your emotions tend to be volatile, your partner may be at the receiving end of your unhappiness. I find that unhappy couples tend to blame their bad relationship for their unhappiness, when there is often more of a circular causal relationship at play.

How do you manage your anger?

When you have a major disagreement with your partner how do you go about finding a resolution?

Do you initiate a discussion with your partner by asking when would it be convenient to talk about the issue on your mind or do you loose your cool and insist on dealing with it immediately? Individuals who lack control over their anger run the risk of seriously damaging their relationship in the long-term should he or she say and 0r doing things that can’t ever be retracted.

Perhaps you are someone who withdraws from your partner when you feel angry or hurt? You may go quiet for hours or days and when communication resumes perhaps the issue in question is never discussed or resolved. The danger here is that partners fail to communicate adequately and constructively with one another and their intimate connection becomes lost along the way.

Are you an anxious person?

It is often difficult not to let heightened levels of anxiety affect your relationship. Anxious individuals tend to crave certainty and predictability. How does this impact on a relationship? Of course every anxious individual will be different in this regard. However, it is common for there to be a strong need for control and an aversion to taking any type of risk. 

How can you do to ensure that you are doing all that you can to prevent your “dark side” from damaging your relationships?

I would suggest that the first step could involve becoming mindful of how you feel during each day and the way in which you are interacting with others. If you believe that you may be suffering from depression, anger issues or high levels of anxiety I would suggest that you speak with someone about it as soon as possible. You owe it to yourself, your partner, family and your friends!

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: How healthy is your communication?

If unhealthy, what can you do about it?

In my practice I see many unhappy couples. Most report that they have problems with their communication. They often complain of a lack of meaningful interaction – either there exists a “cold war” in which couples give each other the silent treatment, or there is a full-on conflict situation, where anger levels peak and disrespect and even contempt become a dominant pattern.

When these two patterns are well-established in a relationship, it is a sure indication that the couple are in serious trouble. Couple counsellors refer to a couple’s “relationship dance” – the unconscious interactive style of a couple, which can either promote intimacy in happy couples or it can become a negative pattern when relationships go wrong.  Arguments tend to occur when one partner says or does something that represents a “trigger” to the other person, initiating a negative response, which causes the other person to react in turn in a defensive manner. Before the couple know what has happened, they are caught up in a very destructive interaction –  a so-called “toxic embrace”.

Because this process happens outside of their awareness, couples often report having frequent fights but are at a loss as to why they happen so regularly and become so heated. 

So how can this pattern be reversed?

First it is important to become mindful of what happens when you and your partner fight. Identify your and your partners “triggers” and become aware of what thoughts go through your mind in response because these thoughts will determine your emotional response.

Second – notice how you react – what you do and what you say. Unhappy couples often slip into disrespectful ways of interacting with their “loved one”. Ask yourself whether you would speak to a friend or a colleague in the same way. If not, you could resolve not to allow yourself to slip into the “bad habit” of labeling your partner as, for example, ” selfish”, “lazy” or “narcissistic’,  and not to treat him/her in a dismissive fashion. You could rather pledge to acknowledge your partner’s positive good points and his/her contribution to your lives. This is, of course, difficult to achieve when a relationship is in serious trouble as there is usually a lack of goodwill between the partners and thus a disinclination to be the one to “play nice”.

If you can’t make progress by implementing these ideals, I suggest that go for some help without delay – waiting too long will further reduce the possibility that the relationship can be turned around.

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Who calls the shots in your relationship? How the power balance can affect communication in a relationship.

How do power imbalances happen and what effect can these have on relationship satisfaction?

In my couple counselling psychology practice, I have found that power imbalances are pretty common in relationships that are in trouble.

In my couples sessions I  invariably explore the history of each relationship in order to track how  the couple started out and when problems began to develop. Sometimes imbalances existed from the start, for example in a case where  one of the partners had an addiction problem. From the outset the non-addicted partner would be cast in the role of rescuer – the “together” individual who assigned themselves the role of keeping the relationship and their partner in check and on course. This is an example of the co-dependent relationship characterized by the enabler/dependent victim dynamic.

In some relationships, though, a power imbalance does not exist at the start of the relationship but develops at a later stage. Why does this occur? There are many reasons, of course, and each couples’ situation is different. However, in my practice I have noticed that two scenarios are reasonable common. In couples where one partner has cheated either by being unfaithful or by committing some other form of sexual or financial infidelity, the “guilty” partner will invariably be placed in a “one down” position when it comes to determining the future of the relationship.

The other scenario comes about when one of the partners decides to “better themselves” by studying, qualifying and obtaining a better job whilst the other partner, who tends to be less ambitious and/or less motivated, does little to further themselves or improve their prospects. Over time a couple in this type of situation may find it increasingly difficult to stay on the same page in terms of their goals and priorities in life, setting the stage for dissatisfaction and relationship problems.

Sometimes power imbalances can be really subtle. One partner may feel that he or she is trying hard to please the other whilst the other person is doing little to reciprocate and/or one of the couple may believe that they are always having to apologize after and argument whilst their partner never has to admit that they may be at fault.

In couples where major power imbalances have developed, open communication is often compromised, as there is often a great deal of frustration and resentment present in the relationship. This can lead one (or both) of the partners tend to feel unheard and unappreciated. Often one partner will clam up completely when an argument is likely to occur, and as a result contentious issues in the relationship tend to remain unresolved and will in all likelihood continue to fester and to progressively undermine the relationship.

What can couples do if they find themselves in this situation? Power imbalances, once they are firmly established in relationships, are difficult to change. This will be the topic of a future post.