If unhealthy, what can you do about it?
In my practice I see many unhappy couples. Most report that they have problems with their communication. They often complain of a lack of meaningful interaction – either there exists a “cold war” in which couples give each other the silent treatment, or there is a full-on conflict situation, where anger levels peak and disrespect and even contempt become a dominant pattern.
When these two patterns are well-established in a relationship, it is a sure indication that the couple are in serious trouble. Couple counsellors refer to a couple’s “relationship dance” – the unconscious interactive style of a couple, which can either promote intimacy in happy couples or it can become a negative pattern when relationships go wrong. Arguments tend to occur when one partner says or does something that represents a “trigger” to the other person, initiating a negative response, which causes the other person to react in turn in a defensive manner. Before the couple know what has happened, they are caught up in a very destructive interaction – a so-called “toxic embrace”.
Because this process happens outside of their awareness, couples often report having frequent fights but are at a loss as to why they happen so regularly and become so heated.
So how can this pattern be reversed?
First it is important to become mindful of what happens when you and your partner fight. Identify your and your partners “triggers” and become aware of what thoughts go through your mind in response because these thoughts will determine your emotional response.
Second – notice how you react – what you do and what you say. Unhappy couples often slip into disrespectful ways of interacting with their “loved one”. Ask yourself whether you would speak to a friend or a colleague in the same way. If not, you could resolve not to allow yourself to slip into the “bad habit” of labeling your partner as, for example, ” selfish”, “lazy” or “narcissistic’, and not to treat him/her in a dismissive fashion. You could rather pledge to acknowledge your partner’s positive good points and his/her contribution to your lives. This is, of course, difficult to achieve when a relationship is in serious trouble as there is usually a lack of goodwill between the partners and thus a disinclination to be the one to “play nice”.
If you can’t make progress by implementing these ideals, I suggest that go for some help without delay – waiting too long will further reduce the possibility that the relationship can be turned around.