Category: Psychology in practice

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Life in General Mindfulness Psychology in practice

How do you protect your mental health from the spectre of the coronavirus?

With all the world-wide mass-hysteria and panic that has accompanied the imminent threat of the coronavirus,  I have been wondering how we all as individuals have been coping on a day to day basis!?

Of course we each have our own coping styles when it comes to dealing with stress and anxiety. However, the coronavirus threat is something so out of the normal range of stressors that we routinely have to deal with, and is causing such major disruption in so many areas of life on a global scale, that it is challenging each of our inner resources and resiliency to the maximum.

The ubiquitous news updates of the world-wide spread of the virus serves to make us as individuals feel personally vulnerable, insecure and unsafe, which fuels a feeling of anxiety, depression and hopelessness, especially in those of us who are prone to anxiety and depression. 

So what can each of us do to mitigate against the psychological effects presented by the spread of the coronavirus?

  1. Manage your anxiety by practicing CBT techniques such as monitoring your thoughts for patterns of “what if” thoughts that lead to heightened anxiety and challenge catastophizing thoughts about worst-case scenarios.
  2. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques to focus on the present moment and to calm your mind.
  3. Manage any depressed or hopeless thoughts by challenging their validity and usefulness. Don’t allow yourself to sink into a “doom-and gloom” mind-set. Internalise the principles of Positive Psychology by working on your stress management and psychological resilience.
  4. Adopt a solutions-focused “how” approach to the problems presented by the coronavirus. We as humans are amazingly inventive and adaptable. Use this ability to the fullest and this will increase your sense of personal control and positive self-esteem.
  5. Remember that “this too shall pass”.  Adopting a pragmatic approach and conveying this to your family and friends, will not only help you personally but perhaps you can also make a positive difference to the mental health of those closest to you.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any queries or comments!

 

 

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Life in General Psychology in practice Talking Points in Psychology and Psychotherapy

How well do you know yourself?

And why does this matter?

Socrates famously said “The unexamined life is not worth living”.

Do you agree?

If so, how would you go about discovering more about yourself – your values, goals, personality traits, and your characteristic approach to life and to coping with adversity?

If you want to live a meaningful and authentic life, I believe it is essential to continually assess one’s life/

Over the next few weeks I will be writing posts on this topic. Please feel free to comment!

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Do you consider yourself good relationship material?

And why this matters!

Perhaps you have been in a happy and fulfilling relationship for a long time! If so, to what do you attribute this success?

(Do you see this as predominantly due to mutual hard work, your partner’s positive attributes or perhaps are own? Perhaps you see it as a combination of all three)?

I find it fascinating to ask this question of happy as well as unhappy couples.

I wonder if you can predict how the answers of these two groups differ from each other?

It goes without saying really. On average happy couples are generous with their praise of their partners’ positive attributes, such as patience, respect and appreciation for their “other half” whilst troubled couples tend to play the “blame game” and often battle to recall their partner’s positive aspects. Sometimes troubled couples even fail to recall what attracted them to their partner in the first place!

Each of us could do with reflecting regularly on what we personally bring into our most significant relationship, in areas such as:

Our unique personality make-up and attitude to life:

Are you an optimist or a pessimist, for example?

Are you even- tempered or moody? If you tend to be depressed or if your emotions tend to be volatile, your partner may be at the receiving end of your unhappiness. I find that unhappy couples tend to blame their bad relationship for their unhappiness, when there is often more of a circular causal relationship at play.

How do you manage your anger?

When you have a major disagreement with your partner how do you go about finding a resolution?

Do you initiate a discussion with your partner by asking when would it be convenient to talk about the issue on your mind or do you loose your cool and insist on dealing with it immediately? Individuals who lack control over their anger run the risk of seriously damaging their relationship in the long-term should he or she say and 0r doing things that can’t ever be retracted.

Perhaps you are someone who withdraws from your partner when you feel angry or hurt? You may go quiet for hours or days and when communication resumes perhaps the issue in question is never discussed or resolved. The danger here is that partners fail to communicate adequately and constructively with one another and their intimate connection becomes lost along the way.

Are you an anxious person?

It is often difficult not to let heightened levels of anxiety affect your relationship. Anxious individuals tend to crave certainty and predictability. How does this impact on a relationship? Of course every anxious individual will be different in this regard. However, it is common for there to be a strong need for control and an aversion to taking any type of risk. 

How can you do to ensure that you are doing all that you can to prevent your “dark side” from damaging your relationships?

I would suggest that the first step could involve becoming mindful of how you feel during each day and the way in which you are interacting with others. If you believe that you may be suffering from depression, anger issues or high levels of anxiety I would suggest that you speak with someone about it as soon as possible. You owe it to yourself, your partner, family and your friends!

 

 

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Life in General Psychology in practice

Parents and spouses: What impact is your cellphone usage having on your family relationships?

Of course smartphones and all other forms of modern technology have greatly improved our ability to connect to other people. It is hard to remember how we survived in the past without cellphones.

However, lately there has been a great deal of coverage in the media on the likely negative impact that screen- time may be having on our close relationships. Most of us spend a great deal of time every day focused on a screen – my ipad alerts me to this each week when I get told how much screen-time I have indulged in every day!

Let us first consider parent-child relationships. How often do you see parents glued to their cellphone screens whilst their young children have no option but to amuse themselves. When I see this my heart goes out to these children – and to their parents, who are missing out on a huge slice of their children’s early lives.

But how damaging is this behaviour to the overall well-being and psycho-social development of children? For many years psychologists and researchers have highlighted the crucial importance of secure attachment between parents and their babies/young children on a child’s emotional development. Secure development can’t happen if and when parents are habitually physically, psychologically or emotionally absent from their children’s lives. Children learn to master and manage their own emotional reactions by growing up with parents who are emotionally available and who contain their young children’s emotional outbursts. This requires consistent attention from parents and other caregivers.

Time magazine (January 28th, 2019, pg 33, “Protecting kids”) cites research reporting that 74% of a sample of kindergarten and primary school principles have noted a marked increase in emotional problems in their learners. Of course, there are numerous other factors that might potentially affect this figure.

However, as parents we understand that many of their factors are outside our control. However, our cellphone usage is something we can control. I would recommend therefore that each of us become more mindful of our cellphone usage (and our screen-time in general) and honestly assess how this is impacting on the quality of your relationships.

In future posts I will talk about the impact of cellphone usage on our intimate relationships.

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Life in General Psychology in practice

Aging gracefully. Is it possible?

Today I am “celebrating” a landmark birthday and for a few weeks now I have been thinking a great deal about aging and mortality – and all the existential-type questions that come with the territory.

I also have a number of clients who wrestle with these issues in my therapy room. Questions that are asked include “what is the purpose and meaning of my life?” and “how do I cope with aging and my own death?” There is often a great deal of anxiety and fear associated with the thought of one’s inevitable  physical decline and possible ill-health and the suffering associated with this. Issues around dependency and vulnerability are  common.

Most of us don’t like to dwell on these issues too often or too long as they tend to evoke strong negative feelings. Often they can be successfully pushed aside when life is going along well and there is much to occupy one’s day and one’s mind. However, such questions cannot be ducked successfully forever and become especially salient when we experience turning -points in our lives. The mid-life crisis is a case in point!

Is there a good way to cope with aging?

Psychologists who are proponents of “Health Psychology” and “Positive Psychology” speak about the concept of “Successful Aging”. There is an emphasis on maintaining a healthy lifestyle and an optimistic and positive mindset.

Of course it is not possible to be happy and upbeat 24/7. However, it is possible to work on the adoption of an attitude to life based on a sense of awe, curiosity and gratitude. Mindfulness and meditation are also strongly recommended.

Strangely enough this often becomes easier to achieve the older one gets. Research has found that older adults tend tho be happier than adults in their late twenties and early thirties, possibly because there is more time to smell the daisies and there is the realization that Life is unpredictable and  finite and that we need to appreciate every day!

I would also suggest planning well ahead of time for the last and possibly most challenging period of life even though this is quite a daunting prospect!

So yes – I am happy to say that I am succeeding in having a lovely birthday!

 

 

 

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Psychology in practice

Depression and anxiety. When questioning thoughts become problematic.

Are you a deep thinker? Do you often ponder over the meaning and purpose of your life or on the impermanence of Life? And why and when can this type of thinking become a threat to your mental health?

In my practice I have found that depression and anxiety are two of the three major problems that bring individuals to see me (the third one being relationship problems).

I have found that low mood and anxiety are inevitably fueled by recursive, negative thought patterns or ruminations.

In the case of depressed thinking, clients will often ask themselves questions such as:

“Why do I feel this way?” or “How did I get to feel like this?” and/or existential questions such as “What is the purpose of my life?” and “Why is this happening to me?”.

Anxiety based questions usually begin with “what if” such as “What if I never feel any better than I feel now”. The words “always” and “never” feature prominently in ruminating thoughts.

Are these types of thoughts always a bad thing?

Of course the answer to this question is “no”. We all need to ask ourselves “deep” questions from time to time to ensure that we are living authentic and meaningful lives and that our behaviour is in line with our values and goals.

However, when we ask ourselves these questions when we are not in a good space (psychologically speaking) we run the risk of intensifying the negative emotions that are being experienced.

So the take home message is as follows: debate the big issues when you are feeling upbeat about life!

 

In a following post I will make some suggestions regarding how to stop negative thoughts and ruminations.

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples: How are you at resolving conflict in your relationship?

Why is constructive conflict resolution so important to your relationship?

 

Is the way you resolve conflict bringing you closer together or is it tearing you apart?

Of course I see a great many unhappy couples in my practice. Usually their trust in each other and in their relationship is at an all time low, and inevitably so is the goodwill that exists between them.

I often wonder what happened over the years to bring the couple to such a low point in their relationship. They usually report having felt positive and optimistic about their relationship (and their marriage) originally but over the years their dynamic changed from constructive and affirming to destructive and discounting of their partner.

How and why have things changed so radically?

Inevitably over the years partners will be faced with attributes, attitudes behaviour in their spouse that they dislike, disagree with or seriously detest. How partners deal with each situation where conflict occurs has long-term consequences for the health of their relationship. If differences are dealt with constructively, the resolution of conflict can enable couples to gain deeper understanding of each other.  However, if conflict interactions tend to turn nasty and destructive, relationships can be severely damaged over time as a result.

What are some features of destructive arguments and poor conflict resolution in relationships?

  1. Losing control of anger during an argument resulting in attempts to “wound” the other, either physically or  emotionally.
  2. Treating one’s part disrespectfully.
  3. Failing to take your partner’s views and feelings in account.
  4. Fighting to win at all costs, often to the detriment of the relationship.
  5. Believing that the above behaviour is justified because of the perceived “failings” displayed by the partner.

 

If you recognize any or all of these features in your own style of resolving conflict I would recommend that you resolve to change this pattern without delay because this is placing your relationship in serious jeopardy. 

 

In future posts I will discuss ways in which you can start to turn a destructive pattern around.

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Health and Happiness Psychology in practice Talking Points in Psychology and Psychotherapy

Psychology and discriminating psychotherapy: The importance of finding an effective psychologist.

The importance of finding a solutions-focused psychologist.

One of my gurus, Michael Yapko, published a new book today called “The Discriminating Therapist” which is available as a download on Amazon.

Dr Yapko is a seasoned therapist, hypnotherapist and presenter. You can find his website and his new book at http://www.yapko.com/the-discriminating-therapist/

He came out to South Africa a few years ago and I was fortunate to be able to attend a hypnotherapy workshop that he presented in Pretoria. His approach to therapy is so practical and useful that I use his ideas and his strategies routinely in my therapy with clients, both in individual and in couple’s counselling.

Why is his approach so useful? Ironically, Dr Yapko would disagree with this question but would no doubt restate it it this way: how can the therapist be of help in enabling their clients to reach their stated goals? The client’s goals may involve achieving a desired state, such as becoming calm and content (if they suffer from depression or anxiety) or gaining mastery over some aspect of life, such as conquering procrastination or improving communication in their marriage.

Dr Yapko maintains that, in life, “how” questions are more useful that “why” questions.

Why does he say this? If you think about it, we can look for reasons for our behaviour until the cows come home! However, this doesn’t help us to identify, and change whatever behaviours (or patterns of behaviour), thinking patterns or thinking strategies that maintains our problems, such as depression or anxiety. Once the therapist has helped the client in this regard, positive change can be facilitated. 

This brings me to the topic of choosing a therapist that will be right for you. Dr Yapko would ask “How do you go about choosing an effective therapist”! 

I would ask a psychologist upfront whether or not you could have a short, free (15 minute) introductory session with him or her so that you can have an opportunity to assess whether or not his or her approach seems to be right for you in terms of how you relate to each other and also in terms of whether or not you are both on the same page regarding their focus, approach to therapy and envisaged time frame for the achievement of your desired goals for therapy.

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Psychology in practice

Personal growth and personal aspirations in a relationship: Do you have to choose?

If you are in a relationship do your personal goals and aspirations have to take second place to your marriage and to your family life?

In my psychology practice I often have clients ask me whether or not it is OK to pursue a personal interest or hobby if they are in a committed relationship. Often they are getting pressure from their partner, who is saying that family responsibilities should trump personal “projects”.

Pressure of this sort from a spouse will often cause their “other half” to feel conflicted, guilty and resentful. Their personal goals are often regarded by their partner as “selfish” and often this view is internalized by the individual concerned.

In my couple counselling I am strongly of the view that individuals in a relationship should honour each other’s aspirations and goals as a priority. They should make every effort to enable their spouse to reach for their dreams, even if it means having to make personal sacrifices such as volunteering to look after the children, allocating some funds for studies and missing out on time that would be spend together.

A committed relationship, including marriage, should ideally be a springboard where the couple and their children are able to fulfill  each of their personal potential from a secure base. I do realize that this is an ideal, but I believe that this is a worthwhile ideal to strive for!

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Life in General Psychology in practice

Do you feel optimistic or pessimistic about the year ahead and about the future in general?

If your thoughts are somewhat bleak when you think about the future, this can lead to depression!

Some very interesting research has recently been published on the subject of the link between how we think about the future (known as prospection) and our mood states (Roepke and Seligman, 2015). Up to now there has been a generally accepted view that a pessimistic view of the future is a pointer for someone who is depressed – that depression causes a person to have negative expectations about the future.

However, it seems that it may also be the other way around – that if we harbour overly pessimistic views and expectations of our future, this could cause us to become (more) depressed!

So why is this new finding important?

Well, the good news is that if our thoughts influence our moods (and they do, according to Cognitive-Behavioural theory and Therapy (CBT), we can change these moods by altering our thinking! The implication of this is that our emotions are under our own control (to a certain degree).

How can prospection affect our emotions and possibly lead to depression?

These researchers have identified three ways this happens:

  1. Telling ourselves different scenarios about possible futures. If you think about your future, do you foresee good or bad things occurring? Are there more positive predictions than negative ones, or vice versa?
  2. Judging your possible future life in either a positive or a negative way. You might say, for example, that you predict that you either have a number of positive options which could enable you to have a bright future or you believe that you have few options for the future and that you will inevitably have nothing much to look forward to.
  3. Harbouring either positive or negative beliefs about the future. These would include beliefs or thoughts about a personal future, but also about the future of the country and the planet as a whole).

 

In my next post I will discuss ways in which our patterns of prospective thinking can be altered to become more positive and optimistic.