Tag: stress

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships in the face of the corona virus.

Do’s and Don’ts…..

Now that most of the world has been advised to self-isolate, how will our closest relationships be impacted?

As things stand at the moment – we are all going to be spending a great deal of time under the same roof as our immediate family. For many families this is great news – no need to spend hours in the traffic, lots of unstructured time, and the opportunity to be together.

However, for many people, the heightened stress and anxiety about the uncertainty about the impacts of the virus in all spheres of life will cause many people to become preoccupied and irritable, which will, of course, impact negatively on their closest relationships.

What can you do?

  1. Be aware and mindful – of what you are saying, and the tone of voice that you are using. Keep an eye on your moods and your anxiety and stress levels. If your anxiety and stress levels are moderate to high, do something about these – such as speaking to someone, downloading a mindfulness or meditation app and exercising regularly, in the outdoors if possible.
  2. Be committed to being respectful and kind to those close to you, especially when tensions are raised in the household.
  3. Focus of what is important and meaningful in your life, value the present and try not to stress the small stuff.
  4. Get enough exercise and sleep.
  5. Arrange some daily alone time.

And the don’ts?

  1. Don’t let anxiety, stress and depression get the better of you. Practice good thought hygiene (read up on the principles and practice of CBT or attend some counselling or psychotherapy sessions to learn these skills).
  2. Don’t evade personal responsibility when it comes to improving relationships. It is easy to assume the other person is at fault. Ask yourself what you can do differently to improve your close relationships.

Empathy and consideration go a long way! Make this period of self-isolation an experience that your family members will remember with fondness in the decades ahead!

 

 

Categories
Life in General Mindfulness Psychology in practice

How do you protect your mental health from the spectre of the coronavirus?

With all the world-wide mass-hysteria and panic that has accompanied the imminent threat of the coronavirus,  I have been wondering how we all as individuals have been coping on a day to day basis!?

Of course we each have our own coping styles when it comes to dealing with stress and anxiety. However, the coronavirus threat is something so out of the normal range of stressors that we routinely have to deal with, and is causing such major disruption in so many areas of life on a global scale, that it is challenging each of our inner resources and resiliency to the maximum.

The ubiquitous news updates of the world-wide spread of the virus serves to make us as individuals feel personally vulnerable, insecure and unsafe, which fuels a feeling of anxiety, depression and hopelessness, especially in those of us who are prone to anxiety and depression. 

So what can each of us do to mitigate against the psychological effects presented by the spread of the coronavirus?

  1. Manage your anxiety by practicing CBT techniques such as monitoring your thoughts for patterns of “what if” thoughts that lead to heightened anxiety and challenge catastophizing thoughts about worst-case scenarios.
  2. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques to focus on the present moment and to calm your mind.
  3. Manage any depressed or hopeless thoughts by challenging their validity and usefulness. Don’t allow yourself to sink into a “doom-and gloom” mind-set. Internalise the principles of Positive Psychology by working on your stress management and psychological resilience.
  4. Adopt a solutions-focused “how” approach to the problems presented by the coronavirus. We as humans are amazingly inventive and adaptable. Use this ability to the fullest and this will increase your sense of personal control and positive self-esteem.
  5. Remember that “this too shall pass”.  Adopting a pragmatic approach and conveying this to your family and friends, will not only help you personally but perhaps you can also make a positive difference to the mental health of those closest to you.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any queries or comments!

 

 

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Life in General

Anxiety. Are you dealing with it in the best possible way?

And what does your approach to anxiety tell you about yourself?

In my previous blog-post I talked about how important it is to examine your life and to work at understanding yourself.

Anxiety is something that we all experience from time to time. Why? Because life tends to be uncertain and unpredictable, and comes with a certain amount of risk – of accidents, illness, financial hardship and natural disasters – to name a few.

Evolutionary psychologists tell us that anxiety has been with us since the dawn of time and is a major factor in our survival as a species. Fear and anxiety are hard-wired into the most primitive parts of our brain.

However, of course, some individuals experience a great deal more anxiety than others do. Many have generalised anxiety disorder, where one is generally anxious without necessarily knowing what one is anxious about. Other forms of anxiety relate to a specific thing or situation, such as having a fear of heights or a phobia of snakes.

How do you deal with the uncertainty and potential risks in your life? If you tend to avoid things that make you anxious, this can lead to more and more situations that need to be avoided to relieve your anxiety, and life becomes very tough and stressful as a result.

A much better anxiety-management strategy is to identify your sources of anxiety and stress and examine your thought patterns that lead you to feel anxious. This is an element of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT and is an approach I use a great deal in my psychology practice.

Other very useful strategies for dealing with anxiety include meditation and mindfulness training. Regular exercise is also a very positive way to manage stress and anxiety.

If you have any questions about managing your anxiety better, please get in touch.

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Life in General Managing stress

Stress and Coping: Are you finding Life to be a rough ride at present?

If so, how do you keep your (metaphorical) tyres pumped up (in the wild ride through your life), especially at this time of year?

This morning I was speaking to a close friend who is currently under a lot of pressure – both at work and at home. Usually he is a full of bounce, with an ascerbic wit and a lighthearted and often irreverant take on Life. Today, however, I could tell that he was not his usual self – he sounded irritated and frustrated, with none of his usual sense of fun or enjoyment of life. What I noticed, too, was that when he was desribing his recent interactions with important people in his life, like his wife for instance, that he was not showing his usual levels of warmth, understanding and empathy. It was as though he was “running on empty”.

When I reflected upon this, what came to mind was an analogy of a driver taking part in a race through harsh terrain. At times the ride is fun, at times challenging and often also hard work – the obstacles can be daunting. The route can be tough, exhausting and at times the driver will also lose the way. But ultimately there is (hopefully) a sense of achievement that the perseverence involved was worth it and a lot has been learnt along the way.

If one’s vehicle is in good working order, the journey will be a great deal easier and the driver may even enjoy the whole experience, despite it being such a tough challenge.

Aren’t there strong parallel’s with Life? I felt strongly that in my friend’s case, the recent stressors he has been experiencing have mounted up. If we take the analogy of the car, each experience of stress (which is largely unconscious) is asif a certain amount of air is escaping from the tyres – too much will have the effect that each bump in the road jars the spine. Very soon the race is not enjoyable anymore, but becomes somewhat of an ordeal to be endured. Perspective is lost. too. No longer can one think about the race as a whole in relation to all the other races. Instead, attention is focused solely on “holding on”.

So what aspects of your life contribute to deflating your car tyres?

What serves to keep these tyres pumped up and your vehicle in good working order, ready for the challenges ahead?

And how can you lessen the impact of the stress in your life?

I will suggest some answers to these questions in my next post.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Psychology in practice

Couples in toxic relationships – why do some of us persevere with destructive relationships?

When you know if your heart of hearts that your intimate relationship has become a major source of stress and unhappiness in your life , why don’t you break it off?

All your friends and family are giving you a consistent message that you would be better off without your current partner, why do you steadfastly resist their advice?

In my Cape Town psychology practice I often get clients who find themselves stuck in this position – they often feel desperate – they love their partner but he/she drives them crazy. They have often been in a destructive relationship for a long time and are feeling at the end of their tether.

Why won’t they admit that their relationship is doing them psychological harm, end it and move on with their lives?

The reasons people stay in toxic relationships are often complex and driven by largely unconscious factors such as:

 

1. The comfort of the familiar

In many cases there is the feeling that the bad relationship is comfortable in a sense, because it is known and predictable.

2. Needing to be needed

Clients often reveal a fear that their current relationship may be their last – that they will not find anyone else if they break off  their current relationship. There is a fear of being alone forever.

3. Trying to avoid “bad” feelings

Ending a relationship usually precipitates a sense of loss and mourning, with associated feelings of sadness (and even misery), anxiety, panic, and sometimes may trigger depression. Avoidance is a natural and normal tendency in the circumstances. However, we all need to face such feelings if we want to transform our lives for the better.

3. Poor self-esteem

Some individuals believe that they are not deserving of a caring, supportive relationship and of a happy, fulfilled life. There are, of course, always a number of unique, complex reasons for such an outlook. Often the underpinnings are to be found in the person’s early life experiences.

4. Not being able to say “no” or get their needs met

Clients caught up in toxic relationships often report that they feel unable to insist that their own needs get acknowledged – they often nag their partner to change but to no avail. They are in many cases locked into a co-dependent, enabling dynamic with their parnter where they feel helpless to change things for the better.

5. Believing one’s partner must/will change

Often I will hear “If only my partner were to realise the error of his/her ways and change for the better, our relationship would be good”.

This is a normal, but unfortunately, misguided belief!

It is crucial to accept that we can only change ourselves, if we become more strategic and positive in our interactions with our partners, our relationships have a chance to transform. However, if the other person in the relationship is not motivated to similarly change for the better, you may be doing yourself a big favour if you decide that enough is enough and to move on with your life!

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress

Cape Town Psychologist talks about: Parents, relationships, teenagers and exam stress.

How can parents help their teenage children to cope better in the build up to the end of year exams?

In my psychology practice I am seeing a number of teenagers at the moment who are starting to feel the pressure of looming end of year exams. One of my clients, who is in Grade 12, routinely stays up till 2.30 in the morning so that she can feel adequately prepared for the next day of school! Her parents are at their wits’ end because they feel their efforts to help their daughter have fallen on deaf ears.

Relationships between parents and their teenagers can come under serious strain during exam preparation time, especially for those with kids in Grade 11 and 12.  Schools and teachers tend to place a great deal of pressure and high expectations of their learners to do well, and in teenagers who are already internally driven to do well, the stress can become overwhelming and debilitating.

How can parents be of help to their children during this time?

1. Don’t get triggered by your teenager’s behaviour and attitude.

Teenagers are at a developmental stage where their brains are not yet fully developed and they are subject to hormonal surges and changes. They are thus often irrational, selfish, and idealistic – add to this the considerable stress of the upcoming exams and you have an extremely volatile personality to deal with! Try to be understanding and empathic, even though this may be extremely difficult! (You will probably need to find ways of dealing positively with your own stress levels – perhaps through exercise, talking to friends, yoga or meditation – and maybe all of these!).

2. Use your child as a consultant – listen to what your child has to say in terms of how you can be of help.

You may feel you are trying your best to help your teenager, but perhaps they may have their own ideas of how you can be of help. If you are tending to nag them about certain things, like getting to bed on time, your child may be perceiving this as adding to his/her stress. Your child may, in fact, come up with novel ways in which you can be a significant support.

3. Think strategically!

If your efforts in the past have not been met with a positive response by your teen, try something new. Advertising companies are very aware that if their campaigns don’t bear fruit, they will need to find another angle. As parents, we are also in the business of persuasion – and parenting to teenagers is definitely an example of a tough sell!

4.  Listen to yourself speak.

We need to be constantly aware of how we say things and the vocabulary we use as emtionally loaded words are easily able to trigger our unconscious.  Words and phrases such as “must”, “should”, “have-to”, “always” and “never” can cause instant feelings of  anxiety, stress, and panic in ourselves and also in the person we are speaking to (see more about this in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT).

As our unconcious minds do not process negatives, for example “don’t panic”, it is better to state ideas as a positive such as “remain calm” and suggest that your teenager “take things one step at a time”.

In future posts, I will return to this discussion.

Please contact me with any comments or queries.

Categories
Life in General Managing stress

Are you psychologically prepared for the festive season? Don’t allow stress, anxiety or depression to spoil your enjoyment of this time.

Most people look forward to this time of year, because it offers the opportunity to take some time off from work, to see friends and family, to relax and generally to have a good time.

 However, in my experience as a psychologist, I find that many people experience this time as year as extremely stressful. It is also well-known that the incidence of depression peaks during this period. So how can you prevent yourself from getting stressed-out, anxious and/or depressed over Christmas?

 

1. Have realistic expectations.

Don’t expect that everything will be perfect! For example, think back on previous festive seasons and your experiences with the people who are going to be present at the festivities. It is highly likely that the past will repeat itself! (This is not meant to sound pessimistic – psychologists are great believers in peoples’ ability to change, however, change is difficult and motivation is essential).

 

 2. Closely monitor your self-talk.

Try to maintain a constructive conversation with yourself and try not to catastrophise the situation when things don’t go according to plan. For example, if the Christmas cake flops try not to say to yourself “This is a disaster!”. Remember – this is not a tsunami we are talking about!

 

3. Allow yourself regular daily personal time.

At this time of year it is often difficult to find time to recharge one’s batteries. If you plan to survive the festive season intact, make sure that you find at least an hour a day to be alone – to either listen to music, do a relaxation exercise, meditate or go for a walk.

 

 4. Maintain a healthy routine.

 Remember that your body and your mind are closely connected – in order to “keep it all together” at this time of year you need to make sure you eat healthily, that you only drink alcohol in moderation, exercise and relax regularly.

 

If you have any other suggestions, please let me know!