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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Common Myths about Infidelity Entertained by Many Spouses contemplating or having Affairs

Over the thirty years in private psychotherapy practice, I have seen quite a number of couples who present with one of the partners having or having had, an affair. This type of infidelity can range from inappropriate sexting to full-on physical affairs. 

How do committers of affairs in committed relationships make sense of their behaviour to themselves? How do they envisage what impact their illicit relationship will have on their spouse and on the future of their marriage? 

I have identified a number of common beliefs held by those who fall into this category, which I refer to as “myths” because they often amount to rationalizations and wishful thinking. 

Here are a number of these recurring myths (the reality of  the situation I have placed in brackets):

  1. I can keep my affair secret. It will therefore have no effect on my marriage. (The partner invariably discovers the affair, due, for example, to small changes in their partner’s behaviour or incriminating messages they find on their spouse’s phone).
  2.  After the affair my life can go on as normal and my partner will learn to trust me again. (An affair usually causes a veritable emotional tsunami in the relationship, affecting all aspects of life. Often the children and other family members become involved, leading to a great deal of hurt, anger and disillusionment in all concerned. Reconciliation with one’s partner is certainly not guaranteed and will require a long, painful journey to the restoration of trust).
  3. I will never have to reveal the full extent and details of my affair to my partner. (Often the partner will insist on full disclosure if there is any hope for reconciliation).
  4. After the affair is revealed and I am apologized and shown remorse, we can consider the chapter closed and move on with our marriage. (Reconciliation, if possible, usually involves a long process requiring commitment and patience from both partners. When trust is broken, the relationship will be irrevocably altered. For this reason, writers who describe this process refer to a “second marriage” post-affair).
  5. If I have an affair this will have not affect how I see myself. (If you regard yourself as an honest, caring, kind and ethical individual, committing infidelity must invariably lead do some soul-searching on your part  as you become aware that your behaviour does not match the image you have of yourself – this is called cognitive dissonance. In my experience This could lead to an existential crisis and mental health consequences such as heightened levels of anxiety and depression.

In my experience, individuals who have affairs rarely think through the potentially devastating consequences of their decision, in which life will irrevocably be changed and where the recovery of a precious relationship is far from certain. 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Choosing a life partner. The does and don’ts

When I see couples in my practice I invariably ask them what attracted them to each other initially. Sometimes I get some surprising answers!

What initially attracted you to your significant other? Looking back, do you feel that your first impressions were accurate and did they predict a long and happy partnership?

It has been said that often we chose partners for the qualities we later find extremely problematic and sometimes these become the reason for the eventual demise of the relationship!

Why is this?

We all change as we grow older, to a greater or lesser degree. We also need to adapt to the changes in our partner too. If this doesn’t happen, the relationship starts to suffer.

For example, if someone chooses a partner because they are assertive and decisive, this might become a problem later in life when the partner becomes more assertive and then starts to resent his/her spouse for being domineering.

Perhaps, therefore, whilst usually opting to “follow our heart” when it comes to choosing a life partner, we should also analyze more critically a prospective partner’s qualities, values and goals in life in terms of whether or not they are and will be a match for our own, both now and in the future.

The publication Psychology Today recently posted an article on this topic entitled “What to seek in a long-term partner”, citing accessibility, responsiveness and engagement as core qualities.

What would you view as essential characteristics in a prospective partner?

If you have been in a relationship for quite some time, did the qualities you initially found attractive actually stand the test of time?

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Infidelity in relationships. Do both partners need to change to save a marriage?

On Sunday this week I was asked to take part in a CapeTalk podcast on the subject of infidelity.

PODCAST: ‘An emotional affair can be equally as hurtful as sexual infidelity’

One question that was put to me was regarding whether or not a partner who has been cheated on in a relationship also needs to make changes in order for the couple to reconcile and recover their bond. When listening to the podcast the next day I realized that I hadn’t answered the question!

I regret this omission as this is an important question. 

When one partner cheats in a relationship it is a sign that the couple aren’t communicating totally openly and that there is some degree of estrangement. The degree and quality of this “disconnect” will vary between couples of course. I couples where the disconnect is severe, the partners would tend to keep a great deal of their inner lives very private. As a consequence, each partner will start to live a disconnected life and will, to all intents and purposes, start to “suit” themselves when it comes to choices and decisions.

When an infidelity is discovered, and the couple decide to try to work through the associated hurt and betrayal, they have to begin to become a “we” again, with the resultant requirement of mutual compromise and consideration. For the partner who has been cheated upon, this is often a very difficult pill to swallow as there is usually a great deal of anger and resistance to the suggestion that there is a joint responsibility on the partners to work towards a mutually satisfactory and satisfying quality of life as a couple.

For example, where a couple have not had an intimate connection for some time and one of the couple has an affair, then the spotlight is put on the nature and quality of their sex life when they attempt to reconcile. In this scenario, the partner who has been cheated on is often privately quite content with not having sex with their partner and now feels pressurized to reconnect on an intimate level. This is particularly common in couples who are no longer young as is not an easy problem for couples to solve!

Often a compassionate and empathetic professional can make all the difference in helping such individuals find a way forward in their lives that will work for each of them.

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Relationship recovery tips from a Couples’ Counsellor

What advice do I give to all my couples who see me for relationship problems?

Lately I have been reviewing all my recent couples counselling sessions in an attempt to distil the main ideas I introduce to almost all couples in our first few sessions together. 

The following have come to mind:

  1. Blaming your partner for the problems in your relationship will get you nowhere! It is extremely common for unhappy couples to blame each other for the demise of their relationship. However, this dynamic only serves to deepen the rifts between the partners. It is essential to take personal responsibility for your contribution to the problems that exist. This is an essential first step to relationship improvement.
  2. Listen to your partner in order to really hear what he/she has to say. Defensiveness will only perpetuate your relationship problems.
  3. Avoid attacking your partner’s personality. Focus on behaviour not personal attributes. Treat your partner with respect at all times. 
  4. Avoid  using absolutes when arguing such as “you always” or “you never”. This will only escalate arguments and emotions.
  5. Don’t nag. Rather mention to your partner what behaviours you would like or would prefer rather than harping on and criticizing.
  6. Mention every day to your partner what you appreciate about them. Look for their strengths and not their faults. 

If you and your partner manage to start to implementing all the above points, your relationship should go from strength to strength in no time! 

Best wishes!

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Life in General

The advantages of on-line psychotherapy and counselling.

Why on-line therapy and counselling is such a bonus!

A hot topic on psychotherapy forums at the moment is on-line therapy, which comes as no surprise. Many of us psychologists have used skype and face-time for psychotherapy sessions for quite some time, for clients who are in other cities or countries. However,  now due to the Covid 19 lock-down we tend to be looking at moving the majority of our sessions on-line.

Of course on-line therapy has its challenges, such as establishing and maintaining strong emotional rapport when physically separated, privacy and confidentiality concerns and other logistical issues, to name a few.

However, most of us are so used to, and comfortable with, relating to family and friends via skype, whatsapp and facetime that one soon becomes comfortable with this mode of therapy, I have found, as long as one’s internet connection is stable and reliable, on-line therapy can be very effective.

The advantages of on-line therapy

Of course, the obvious advantages are that you can consult with a psychologist from anywhere in the world, from the convenience of your home. This is particularly ideal at the present time of general lock-down, when anxiety levels, depression and stress are at an all-time high globally, due to the general uncertainty and our fears for our own health and the health and welbeing of all the people we care about.

Another advantage is the flexibility aspect. Psychotherapy and counselling sessions can be scheduled at any time at the convenience of the therapist and the client. I have found it convenient, with some of my clients, to schedule shorter, more frequent sessions at the moment, to support clients more often and regularly, which has become really important, especially for individuals who are living alone and/or have little social support. 

Other people who can and do benefit from online therapy during the corona virus epidemic are individuals who are battling to cope with isolation, particularly those with mental health issues and any time of addiction. 

Couples who are in unhappy relationships, where there is a great deal of conflict at home can also benefit from attending on-line counselling and mediation sessions. Extended periods of isolation will tend to exacerbate relationship problems so it is advisable to deal with anger and relationship issues before they escalate. 

If anyone has any questions regarding the practicalities of online counselling, please let me know.

Best wishes to you all!

 

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships in the face of the corona virus.

Do’s and Don’ts…..

Now that most of the world has been advised to self-isolate, how will our closest relationships be impacted?

As things stand at the moment – we are all going to be spending a great deal of time under the same roof as our immediate family. For many families this is great news – no need to spend hours in the traffic, lots of unstructured time, and the opportunity to be together.

However, for many people, the heightened stress and anxiety about the uncertainty about the impacts of the virus in all spheres of life will cause many people to become preoccupied and irritable, which will, of course, impact negatively on their closest relationships.

What can you do?

  1. Be aware and mindful – of what you are saying, and the tone of voice that you are using. Keep an eye on your moods and your anxiety and stress levels. If your anxiety and stress levels are moderate to high, do something about these – such as speaking to someone, downloading a mindfulness or meditation app and exercising regularly, in the outdoors if possible.
  2. Be committed to being respectful and kind to those close to you, especially when tensions are raised in the household.
  3. Focus of what is important and meaningful in your life, value the present and try not to stress the small stuff.
  4. Get enough exercise and sleep.
  5. Arrange some daily alone time.

And the don’ts?

  1. Don’t let anxiety, stress and depression get the better of you. Practice good thought hygiene (read up on the principles and practice of CBT or attend some counselling or psychotherapy sessions to learn these skills).
  2. Don’t evade personal responsibility when it comes to improving relationships. It is easy to assume the other person is at fault. Ask yourself what you can do differently to improve your close relationships.

Empathy and consideration go a long way! Make this period of self-isolation an experience that your family members will remember with fondness in the decades ahead!

 

 

Categories
Life in General Mindfulness Psychology in practice

How do you protect your mental health from the spectre of the coronavirus?

With all the world-wide mass-hysteria and panic that has accompanied the imminent threat of the coronavirus,  I have been wondering how we all as individuals have been coping on a day to day basis!?

Of course we each have our own coping styles when it comes to dealing with stress and anxiety. However, the coronavirus threat is something so out of the normal range of stressors that we routinely have to deal with, and is causing such major disruption in so many areas of life on a global scale, that it is challenging each of our inner resources and resiliency to the maximum.

The ubiquitous news updates of the world-wide spread of the virus serves to make us as individuals feel personally vulnerable, insecure and unsafe, which fuels a feeling of anxiety, depression and hopelessness, especially in those of us who are prone to anxiety and depression. 

So what can each of us do to mitigate against the psychological effects presented by the spread of the coronavirus?

  1. Manage your anxiety by practicing CBT techniques such as monitoring your thoughts for patterns of “what if” thoughts that lead to heightened anxiety and challenge catastophizing thoughts about worst-case scenarios.
  2. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques to focus on the present moment and to calm your mind.
  3. Manage any depressed or hopeless thoughts by challenging their validity and usefulness. Don’t allow yourself to sink into a “doom-and gloom” mind-set. Internalise the principles of Positive Psychology by working on your stress management and psychological resilience.
  4. Adopt a solutions-focused “how” approach to the problems presented by the coronavirus. We as humans are amazingly inventive and adaptable. Use this ability to the fullest and this will increase your sense of personal control and positive self-esteem.
  5. Remember that “this too shall pass”.  Adopting a pragmatic approach and conveying this to your family and friends, will not only help you personally but perhaps you can also make a positive difference to the mental health of those closest to you.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any queries or comments!

 

 

Categories
Life in General

Why seeking mediation is a good option for resolving family conflict

A mediator is a professional who is specialised in defusing conflict between various people such as family members. A mediator is free from bias and will be able to help resolve conflict without involving his or her own personal feelings. Read more about why you should seek mediation to resolve family conflict:

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Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

The Benefits of Using Couples Counselling To Repair A Relationship

When your life gets busy, you may find that you and your partner start drifting apart. Couples Counselling is a great way to repair your relationship and get back to a point where both of you are happy. Here are a few benefits of using couples counselling to repair your relationship:

 

Clarify your feelings

Couples counselling will allow you and your partner to figure out where you would like your relationship to go. Speaking to a professional and giving yourself and your partner a specific time and space to speak to each other about your feelings can help you decide whether or not the relationship should continue.

 

Resolve past problems

Sometimes it is beneficial to speak about your problems with a professional third party involved. Often, you will find that you and your partner may argue about something and then suppress the emotions once the fight is ‘over’, but all you’re doing is holding in your true feelings in order to stop the argument. These unresolved emotions settle into your unconscious like an ‘unexploded bomb’. Going to couples counselling will allow you to speak in a controlled environment with a patient professional at hand. They can help you and your partner positively resolve past problems before that ‘unexploded bomb’ goes off.

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Categories
Health and Happiness Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Mediation Mindfulness

7 Tips on How To Maintain Your Mental Health

You are the most important person in your life. It may sound selfish, but you need to take care of yourself first before you can take of other people. Self-care is a combination of looking after your body and looking after your mental health – the two work hand in hand. There are a number of ways to take care of your mental health to ensure that you are in a good space.

 

Talk about your feelings

Something as simple as talking about your feelings can benefit your mental health immensely. A lot of people don’t like talking about their feelings and so they bottle everything up and try to deal with it themselves. Doing this will make your mental health deteriorate until you get the point where you just can’t cope with your emotions.

Continue reading “7 Tips on How To Maintain Your Mental Health”