Tag: successful relationships

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Psychology in practice

Personal growth and personal aspirations in a relationship: Do you have to choose?

If you are in a relationship do your personal goals and aspirations have to take second place to your marriage and to your family life?

In my psychology practice I often have clients ask me whether or not it is OK to pursue a personal interest or hobby if they are in a committed relationship. Often they are getting pressure from their partner, who is saying that family responsibilities should trump personal “projects”.

Pressure of this sort from a spouse will often cause their “other half” to feel conflicted, guilty and resentful. Their personal goals are often regarded by their partner as “selfish” and often this view is internalized by the individual concerned.

In my couple counselling I am strongly of the view that individuals in a relationship should honour each other’s aspirations and goals as a priority. They should make every effort to enable their spouse to reach for their dreams, even if it means having to make personal sacrifices such as volunteering to look after the children, allocating some funds for studies and missing out on time that would be spend together.

A committed relationship, including marriage, should ideally be a springboard where the couple and their children are able to fulfill  each of their personal potential from a secure base. I do realize that this is an ideal, but I believe that this is a worthwhile ideal to strive for!

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Relationships: The Mother-in-Law – You May Play a Pivotal Role in your Child’s Marriage!

How to succeed at being a good mother-in-law (by really trying!)

 

Mothers’-in-law tend to have a bad reputation (similar to that of landladies)!

 

Are mothers’-in-law really so problematic?! I know that I personally had a less than ideal relationship with my own mother-in-law (to put it mildly) and in my individual and couple counselling many of my clients report that relationships with the parents of their spouses can be fraught with problems. However, it was only when I became a mother-in-law in my own right that I found that I could totally sympathise (and empathise) with both roles of daughter, and mother-in-law.

 

(For the purposes of this article I will stick to the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship as this is, in my opinion, the relationship that tends to be particularly sensitive and potentially problematic. Why would this be the case? It is invariably difficult for a mom-in-law  to accept, after a life-time of being the no.1 woman in her son’s life and the one who calls the (domestic) shots in the household , that another woman has now taken up that position (through no fault of her own except that she loves a mother’s son!). Where does this leave the mom-in-law? She has to carve out a new niche for herself, and this is where the challenge lies!

 

 So what do I suggest?

 

For mothers’- in-law:

 

First – remind yourself continually  that,  for your child to be happy,  his marriage needs to succeed. Therefore your  role essentially  should  be to facilitate and help to strengthen their mutual  bond. Thus diplomacy and the fostering of  goodwill  between you and your daughter-in-law  should be the order of the day!

 

Work on accepting your daughter-in-law  wholeheartedly and unconditionally, even if there are aspects  of her personality or behaviour with which you disagree or regard as contrary to your own views, priorities or values.

 

Try to disinvest from believing that you are right and that you know best, especially when it comes to relationships and to parenting (and grand-parenting).  Wait to be asked for advice rather than providing it unsolicited.

 

Be supportive and available (within reason) and not overly demanding and needy.  Give your child’s relationship with his partner/wife room to breathe!

 

If your child comes to your for a listening ear or for advice and support when issues arise in his marriage, don’t allow this to colour your relationship with your daughter-in-law! Be careful not to voice any criticism of your daughter-in-law as, once they have made up, this may remain “hanging in the air” between you and your son, which won’t be good for your relationship either!

 

For daughters’-in-law:

 

Understand that the dynamics between you and your mother-in-law can be complicated and in many cases difficult to negotiate. Be sensitive and empathic!

 

Allow your partner/husband to enjoy one-on-one quality time with his mother if this is important to them both. Their relationship also deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

 

 

 

Mothers and daughters-in-law can be a wonderful source of love and support for one another, especially when there are children to be parented and grandparented. Therefore I believe that every effort should be made on both sides to strengthen this relationship!

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Practice good relationship hygiene to safeguard your relationship for the long haul!

In my couples and relationship counselling I see many partners who are out of sinc with each other. Some are at the point where their relationship has become a war zone!

I often ponder about how some relationships, which start out with some much love and caring, manage to deteriorate over time.

Of course, a number of researchers, such as Dr John Gottman, have looked into

this question in depth. Over forty years he has studied the dynamics of couples and relationships and has discovered that

happy couples work hard at understanding one another, and that they build up a mutual sense of safety and trust.

What is also vitally important is how couples deal with conflict. Happy couples tend to argue constructively. They do not let

their differences of opinion get to the stage where their arguements begin to erode the goodwill between them – they unconsciously (and consciously) “repair negativity” during conflict situations.

How does a couple successfully do this?

It is useful to, for example, have regular “meetings” with your partner (ideally on a weekly basis) where each of you gets a chance to air any problems or concerns (in connection with your partner and/or your relationship) that may have come up for you. Each person is given a chance to discuss what is on their mind. It is vital, though, thatyou both practice good “emotional attunement ” (Gottman, 2011) during these meetings – that you each listen to each other’s points of view in an open, accepting and non-judgemental manner (this is often very difficult!).  These meetings should be scheduled at times when you are both relaxed – such as at the weekend. We suggest that you find a 60 to 90 minute time slot where you can have have each others’undivided attention, with no outside distractions.

In this way you can often pre-empt and diffuse areas of potential conflict before they can snowball into dangerous, and potentially relationship damaging confrontations.

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Couple Counselling: Pointers for Improving your Relationship: What happy couples can teach us about successful relationships

What are the secrets to a happy long-term relationship?

Because couples counselling is a special area of interest for me, I was especially

excited and intrigued to read  John Gottman’s new book “The Science of Trust”.

His research into the ingredients that make successful relationships has spanned over 40 years and makes fascinating reading.

He has found that happy couples tend to continually spend time and effort getting to know each other (they build “love maps” in which they get to know the inner workings of their partners mind, what matters to him/her, and knowledge about their loved one’s dreams and aspirations.

Happy couples tend to show fondness, respect and admiration for their partner,

they tend to habitually focus on their partners good points and strengths rather than on their weak points or perceived personality flaws).

In successful relationships, couples also tend to acknowledge the efforts made by their spouse to be helpful and emotionally available. This is termed “turning towards” the other by Dr Gottman. He states that

these three aspects create the first tiers of a “Sound Relationship House” for a happy and fulfilling relationship.

In a future post I will talk about Dr Gottman’s exploration of  the crucial role that trust plays in

intimate relationships.