In my couples and relationship counselling I see many partners who are out of sinc with each other. Some are at the point where their relationship has become a war zone!
I often ponder about how some relationships, which start out with some much love and caring, manage to deteriorate over time.
Of course, a number of researchers, such as Dr John Gottman, have looked into
this question in depth. Over forty years he has studied the dynamics of couples and relationships and has discovered that
happy couples work hard at understanding one another, and that they build up a mutual sense of safety and trust.
What is also vitally important is how couples deal with conflict. Happy couples tend to argue constructively. They do not let
their differences of opinion get to the stage where their arguements begin to erode the goodwill between them – they unconsciously (and consciously) “repair negativity” during conflict situations.
How does a couple successfully do this?
It is useful to, for example, have regular “meetings” with your partner (ideally on a weekly basis) where each of you gets a chance to air any problems or concerns (in connection with your partner and/or your relationship) that may have come up for you. Each person is given a chance to discuss what is on their mind. It is vital, though, thatyou both practice good “emotional attunement ” (Gottman, 2011) during these meetings – that you each listen to each other’s points of view in an open, accepting and non-judgemental manner (this is often very difficult!). These meetings should be scheduled at times when you are both relaxed – such as at the weekend. We suggest that you find a 60 to 90 minute time slot where you can have have each others’undivided attention, with no outside distractions.
In this way you can often pre-empt and diffuse areas of potential conflict before they can snowball into dangerous, and potentially relationship damaging confrontations.