Category: Psychology in practice

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Life in General Managing stress Psychology in practice

If you are feeling anxious, stressed or depressed for now apparent reason…..

perhaps you are “catching” these emotions from other people near to you!

A case example: Susan comes to see me in my psychology practice because she is about to write her final exams and is concerned that she is so “stressed out” that she fears that she will go blank when she is faced with her exam paper and will do badly as a result.

When I explore the factors that may be adding to her stress levels it turns out that she is in a small class at college, where her class-mates talk about themselves about how stressed they all are. They also commiserate with each other about how difficult the work is and how “impossible” it will be to do well in the exams.

In this way the stress levels of the group tend to increase as the exam date looms nearer and nearer.

Case 2: Tony is in his early twenties. He reports that he suffers from debilitating social anxiety which affects both his ability to interact socially and to find a fulfilling job. has grown up in a household where his father has always worried about everything. Tony’s father has conveyed the unconscious message to his children from the time they were small that the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place and that other people are generally not to be trusted. Tony comes to see me because he wants to become less anxious and more comfortable in social settings.

Case 3: Mary comes to see me because she is feeling “down” and unmotivated – that she has lost her enthusiasm for life. She is a homemaker and has many friends and hobbies but of late she has lost enthusiasm for the things she previously enjoyed. Her husband has been retired for a year and her children have left home. She reports that her husband tends to sit around the house all day, eating, drinking and watching TV. He tends to be demanding and would talk at length about how bad “things” had become.

 

Most clients who come to see me for counselling and psychotherapy tend to believe that their unpleasant psychological states are due to something they are feeling, doing or not doing – that they are the source of their problem (this is not the case with most couples I see, who usually blame each other, initially at any rate, for the problems in their relationship). I have often found though, on closer examination, that the social environment can play a big role in the our emotions states. Psychologists and social psychology researchers put this down to our ability to empathize with others. Those of us who are high in emotional empathy tend to “pick up” the emotions of others easily and will thus be more likely to be affected by the negative of other people. This influence is especially strong when there is a close emotional bond and a close and lengthy proximity with a stressed, anxious or depressed person or group.   Psychologists call this phenomenon “transference”.

This tendency to “catch” feelings from others and from our environment isn’t always a bad thing of course. We can also be affected by joy and happiness! 

In a following post I will suggest ways of counteracting the negative effects of this unconscious “force”.

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Mediation Psychology in practice

Couples: Is there any point to marriage counselling….

When your spouse says that he/she is thinking seriously about divorce?

Research into relationships, marriage and couples counselling has found that couples wait too long to come for relationship counselling – on average six years after the first major problems in the relationship start to occur.

My own experience of seeing unhappy couples in my psychology practice over twenty years has born this out. The couples I see invariably report that they their relationship has been limping along for a long time. Some couples report that they tend to have intermittent explosive rows while others report that following disagreements there might be lengthy periods – sometimes lasting as long as two weeks to a month – when there is a stony silence between the couple. It is common that one partner inevitably becomes the one to initiate a resumption of communication. Their attempts, however, are often met, initially with stonewalling. In either case, when couples become chronically unhappy and dissatisfied, intimacy is an early casualty. This is a dangerous situation, of course, as partners tend to retreat into themselves and their own thoughts. Often one or both start toying with the idea of divorce and eventually the “d” word is brought up in their conversation.

Is it too late, at this stage, for a couple to benefit from couple counselling?

I would say that the answer to this question is definitely “no, it is never too late” for a number of reasons:

First, the partner who mentions divorce is often extremely ambivalent and afraid of the consequences should divorce occur. It is important for each spouse to be able to work through their often confused feelings about their marriage and their thoughts about the future in a containing and non-judgemental context. This is especially important if there are children involved.

[I have found that ambivalent couples, when faced with the choice to continue with counselling or to go ahead with terminating the relationship, usually opt of couple counselling first – for four to six months, because they want to be sure that they are making the right decision].

Secondly – often one partner is leaning towards the divorce option whilst the other one wants to keep the marriage together. Each spouse needs to have the opportunity to explore their options and be fully heard by their partner. This is often difficult to achieve at home where emotions will tend to escalate and there are often other members of the household within earshot.

Thirdly – even if a couple decide ultimately that they opt for divorce, they then need then to initiate a conversation about “what happens next?”. It is often at this stage that discussions regarding mediation or collaborative practice options versus litigation tend to take place. A couple counselling context is a good place for this to happen as the psychotherapist or counsellor they see (especially if they are FAMAC accredited) will be able to fully explore all the possible options with them.

 

So to reiterate: Yes, I believe strongly that choosing to come for couple counselling when your relationship is in serious trouble is a good idea, even at the point when you may feel that you are on the brink of divorce. By doing so you may be able to save your marriage, but even if this proves not to be possible, you will nonetheless be in a much better position to find a mutually acceptable and considerate way to make decisions about the way forward.

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples: Are there problems in your relationship?

If so, be wary if your partner suggests that you go alone to individual counselling.

I have found over the last twenty years of seeing couples in my psychology and mediation practice for relationship counselling, and also seeing individuals in therapy who are having relationship problems, that in some cases the person is there in my office because their spouse has suggested that it is a good idea that their partner attend individual therapy. This scenario invariably causes alarm bells to sound in my mind.

Why is this?

Sometimes a spouse would like, either consciously or unconsciously to have their partner accept the belief that their relationship problems are as a result of their partner’s psychological problems, such as their depression or anxiety. This then lets them off the hook in terms of responsibility for their problems as a couple.

 If the “ailing” partner accepts this diagnosis from their spouse and comes alone for therapy, they become what is known as “the identified patient”.

This is potentially a bad state of affairs for a couple of reasons. First – yes, the client may in fact be suffering from depression but this may be a result and not a cause of the problems that exist within the relationship. Or it is possible that the depression may be one of a number of issues that need to be addressed within the relationship.

Secondly, if only one of the couple come for therapy the opportunity is lost to work on the couples’ problems on a relationship level. The other partner’s opinions and personal interaction cannot be observed by the therapist who has to rely on the individual’s account of their relationship. This may cause the psychologist to misjudge the nature of the relationship.

For these reasons I advise couples who are having relationship problems to first see a couple therapist for an assessment before making a decision to attend further counselling. And if your spouse suggests that you go for counselling alone, make sure that you fully understand his or her motivation and motives!

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Do you want to change a behaviour, or establish a new habit?

To be successful, understand what motivates you!

In my practice I often help individuals and couples identify the behaviours that keep them stuck in unhappy or less than optimal lives and relationships. That is the (relatively) easy part! How to achieve long-lasting change is always the major challenge!

Motivation is always a complex and difficult issue and numerous self-help books have been written on the subject.

I have recently become aware of a potentially very useful book entitled ” Better than before: Mastering the Habits of our Everyday lives” by a researcher named Gretchen Rubin. She has also researched the topic of happiness and has detailed her findings in a book named “The Happiness Project”. I highly recommend this book for anyone who would like to increase the happiness in their lives (isn’t this everybody?!). It is well researched and provides a great deal of food for thought and practical guidance.

However, getting back to behaviour and habit change….

Ms Rubin found that motivation isn’t a “one size fits all” dynamic, but that individuals are motivated according to four broad styles – Upholder, Obliger, Questioner and Rebel. These styles differ according to what essentially drives a person’s motivation to change. Upholders tend to be driven to meet intrinsic as well as external expectations (in terms of their own standards as well as wishing to conform to the standards of significant others/laws/institutions).

Obligers, on the other hand, tend to respond mainly to the expectations of others but struggle to be self-motivated. Questioners are those who will not accept any call for behaviour change until they have questioned extensively the rationale for change.  Rebels resist all expectations for change, and as such present a real challenge for psychologists and coaches alike.

‘Ms Rubin concludes that it is important to identify a person’s predominant motivation pattern in order to  maximise the chances of successful behaviour change.

So what category fits you best? 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Infidelity in relationships: Inevitable questions that spouses ask.

I don’t have to tell you that infidelity invariably causes havoc in any marriage or committed relationship. Usually the spouse who has been kept in the dark feels extreme emotional pain and disillusionment, it is hard to imagine that the relationship would ever be the same after the secret is discovered, should it survive.

I see many couples in my psychology practice where there has been some kind of infidelity perpetrated by one of the partners. Infidelity in a relationships takes various forms, from sexual affairs to illicit spending.

In this post I would, however,  like to focus on sexual infidelity.

Of course sexual infidelity differs in nature and degree – from close relationships with someone outside of the relationship, such as intimate “friendships” at work or a secret virtual relationship based on text messaging  to a full-on sexual affair. There is seldom a correlation between the “seriousness” of the deed and the effect that it has on the relationship because the resultant breakdown in trust between the partners is due to the perceived betrayal that is involved.

The spouse or partner who discovers the affair will inevitably want answers to the following questions:

  1. Why did this happen?
  2. What was missing in our relationship that caused you to look outside for what you needed?
  3. What was lacking in me as a person ? Why wasn’t I enough for you?
  4. If you really love(d) me, how could you do something that you know would hurt me, and our relationship, so much?

These questions are often asked in my presence, during a couple counselling session. Time and time again I have found that the partner who has “cheated” has a difficult time articulating answers to these questions and invariably the answers that are forthcoming fail to placate or satisfy the other spouse. Usually any answer that is provided is met with skepticism, disbelief or outright anger.  Often it appears as if the “guilty” partner can’t understand the cause(s) of their own behaviour in this regard, and often seems to be composing an explanation as they go along!

Partners often say to me, and to their spouse, that they are happy in their relationship and that they love their spouse very much.

The underlying dynamics associated with infidelity are invariably extremely complex and difficult to understand. However, safe to say that whatever the causes and nature of any infidelity that arises in any relationship, a couple needs to work through the process of trying to understand why the infidelity occurred and to come to terms with the fact that it did occur before they can hope to rebuild their relationship.

This usually requires a strong commitment to “hang in there” for as long as it takes, patience and open communication.  There are no short cuts!

Categories
Life in General Mindfulness Psychology in practice

Perfectionism: Are you the perfect perfectionist?

And is it working for you?

Perfectionists are invariably high achievers as they are usually single-minded in their determination to be the best at everything they undertake. Perfectionists are highly motivated and goal directed and usually do well at work as a result. For this reason, society and bosses, value perfectionists.

So why can perfectionism become a problem?

Perfectionists tend to see things in terms of black and white – only 100% (or even 110%) is seen as good enough. Small mistakes are often catastrophised as failure. Perfectionists tend to drive themselves ruthlessly, often resulting in burnout and health problems, such as high blood pressure and cardiac problems.

Individuals prone to perfectionistic thinking also suffer from high levels of anxiety and depression. They tend to worry excessively about making mistakes – being five minutes late for work can be viewed as a major disaster!

For this reason perfectionists often consider psychotherapy to help them to overcome and manage their symptoms and to make desired  changes to their lifestyle so they are able to feel less burned out and exhausted.

Why is perfectionism such a hard nut to crack when there are such obvious benefits to moderating this behaviour pattern?

Perfectionists try hard to achieve in everything they set out to do – however, trying hard to become less of a perfectionist creates a paradox – a bit like trying hard to sleep or to relax! I point out to my perfectionist clients that, if they are convinced that curbing their perfectionistic tendencies will lead to greater happiness that they will need to learn the cognitive skills that will allow them to revise their all-or-nothing thinking and to control and calm their minds. Useful approaches in this regard include cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), relaxation and mindfulness training.

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Mediation Psychology in practice

Couples and relationships: Married (but divorcing) with Children?

Resolve to protect your children’s current and future psychological well-being by opting for mediation rather than litigation!

In my practice as a psychologist and family mediator I see many couples who are either contemplation a divorce, in the throws of going through the process of getting divorced or who have gone through a separation or divorce quite some time ago and are still at loggerheads over aspects of care and contact of their children.

Divorcing couples who truly prioritize the needs of their children will make sure that they make the children’s transition from living in a nuclear family scenario to splitting their time between their parent’s new households as smooth as possible. As hard as it may be to achieve, maintaining a respectful co-parenting relationship post-divorce is, in my opinion, the best way to guarantee that your children will not be harmed long-term by this major disruption in their lives.

It becomes very difficult to maintain a constructive co-parenting relationship when the parties concerned resort to going the legal route in an attempt to resolve conflicts over maintenance and care and contact. When the parents no longer attempt to talk directly to each other but start to communicate through their lawyers, it is inevitable that the co-parenting relationship comes under serious strain with the build up of mutual animosity and mistrust, placing the children in the middle of a high conflict situation at a time when they are particularly vulnerable.

In some unhappy cases the parents remain locked in perpetual conflict for years after a divorce. This of course is extremely costly, from a fnancial but, more importantly, from a psychological point of view. No child deserves to go through this type of experience!

 

Therefore, I advise all parents who are contemplating divorce to seek couple counselling or mediation as a first option. In the Cape a list of accredited mediators can be found on the Family Mediators of the Cape (FAMAC) website at www.famac.co.za.

 

 

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Life in General Psychology in practice

Do you expect too much (or too little) in life? Don’t underestimate the importance of your expectations!

Time and time again in my psychology practice I am told by my clients that one of the most useful things they have got out of coming for psychotherapy or counselling is my highlighting the role that our expectations play in our lives.

Why are our expectations so important?

I have found that faulty and unrealistic expectations underlie many of the issues that bring clients into therapy. Anger, frustration, depression and anxiety often a result of expectations that are out of sync with reality. For example, clients with anger and frustration problems will invariably think  ” X should or shouldn’t act in a certain way” or in the case of road rage “that type of behaviour should not be allowed on the road” If you commonly use the words “Should”, “must”, “always” and “never” in your internal dialogue this is a sign that you are setting yourself up for frustration and anger, which is of course ultimately self-defeating and also potentially damaging to your health in the long-term!

Anxiety, on the other hand, is caused when we predict some dire event occuring at some time in the future – the “what …if” scenarios. When we get depressed we expect that nothing is going to improve and that we will always feel the same way as we do in the moment, which is, of course, also highly unlikely and unrealistic.

And then there are the cases of self-fulfilling prophecies when we predict some dire outcome and then unconsciously act in a way that brings these into being!

As most of the expectations that we harbour operate on a totally unconscious level, these tend to influence our behaviour and our moods largely outside our awareness. This dynamic forms the basis of cognitive-behavoural therapy, or CBT, which has been found to be extremely effective in enabling individuals to improve their moods and thus also their general wellbeing.

So I suggest that you do some self-reflection – get in touch with your expectations and think about how they influence your life and your relationships!

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples and Relationships: The “Big Four” Relationship Problems.

And how to go about dealing with them!

In my experiece as a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples counselling and relationship problems, the main issues that bring couples into counselling and therapy are:

1. Poor communication

2. Money issues

3. Children and parenting problems

4. Conflict with in-laws and extended family

 

Poor communication is the number one problem for most of the couples that I see. Partners tend to complain that they can’t seem to “connect” with each other any longer and their communication is no longer an easy, comfortable aspect of their lives but seems fraught with misunderstandings, anomosity and disrespect. Intimacy tends, of course to go out the window when this type of pattern becomes the norm in a relationship.

 

So what can be done when a relationship reaches this stage?

 

In my experience when communication breaks down between a couple this is often not the cause of their problems but tends to be the result of an often insiduous relationship breakdown.

First a couple needs to acknowledge that their relationship is in trouble and to arrange to get some help. It is estimated that couples who are having problems tend to wait for six years on average before going for couples counselling (John Gottman’s research).

Couples should also prioritise their work to get their relationship back on track. This entails scheduling regular time to spend quality time together enjoying each other’s company – go out on dates!  When you are out together vow to NOT discuss serious and contentious issues – leave these for a weekly meeting where you sit down and have a more formal discussion. 

Don’t let arguments get out of hand. Agree with your partner that when either of you start to notice that emotions are running high that you stop the interaction, have a “time-out” and agree to resume the discussion when you are both calm. It is important, though, to always get back to an issue until it is resolved rather than “shoving it under the mat”.

Resolve, too, to always speak to each other in a respectful way and to never resort to being rude and hurtful.

 

After all, you profess to love this person!

 

In the next post I will talk about money issues in relationships.

 

 

Categories
Life in General Managing stress Psychology in practice

Social phobia: Are you phobic when it comes to making presentations?

Here are some tips for mastering this very common problem.

 

Over the years I have had many clients in my psychology practice who have been plagued by social phobia causing anxiety, fear and dread when contemplating the idea of making presentations to large groups of people. Often their career success depends on being able to make impactful presentations and so there is invariably a great deal at stake.

 

If this is your particular issue, what can you do?

 

1. Mastering your anxiety is key. Don’t allow yourself to go into “what-if” or catastrophising thinking – this will make your anxiety sky-rocket! Rather speak to yourself asif you were your own sports coach – use encouraging language, say things to yourself like “I will take things one at a time”.

2. Remember to breathe deeply. Take a couple of deep breaths if you feel your anxiety start to build.

3. In the days before the presentation, take some time to close your eyes and to visualise yourself going through the presentation in a confident way, from start to finish.

4. Make sure you are well-prepared and know your subject matter backwards so that you hardly have to concentrate on bringing the material to mind during the presentation but can focus of making your talk interesting and checking your audience to see whether or not they are involved and interested in what you are saying.

5. If you are using audio-visual material such as a powerpoint presentation, make sure each slide is uncluttered and pleasing on the eye!

6. Just before the presentation, close your eyes and get into “the zone” where you access your “confident self” and go out there and act the part, even if it is an act initially.

7. When you are presented with your audience, focus on them and not on yourself!

8. And practise makes perfect! Practise on small groups of people initially, perhaps colleagues who are supportive and will give you helpful suggestions.

 

Best wishes!