Category: Psychology in practice

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Psychology in practice

Couples and Singles: How high is your Couples’ EQ?

When it comes to relationships, are you any good at intimacy and emotional connection?

Valentine’s Day again! Perhaps this is a good moment to refect on how you are doing relationship-wise! Not only in your intimate relationship(s) but also in your relationships with all the other people in your life.

According to an article in the most recent edition of “Psychotherapy Networker”, there are two essential skill sets involved in keeping our relationships on track. These are distress tolerance and the ability to self-soothe in times of conflict, and emotional accessibility.

In my couple counselling practice I have found that being caught in a negative cycle of negativity and escalating conflict is one of the main characteristic of unhappy relationships. Couples who are at this stage of their relationship usually find it impossible to get out of this cycle without some type of professional help. John Gottmann calls this the “Roach Motel” phenomenon.

So what is involved in these two essential skills sets?

Distress tolerance and the ability to self-soothe concerns how well we are able to stay calm “under fire” – not to get angry and defensive in the face of anger and criticism from one’s partner, but to stay in a receptive and empathic state. Of couse is is very difficult and requires a great deal of practise for most of us! 

Emotional Accessibility is about being able to stay emotionally engaged with one’s partner, even when one is in the middle of an arguement. It is not easy to stay emotionally present in a conflict situation as we all know! (individuals characeristically either go into anger or withdrawal mode. Both styles only serve to intensify the conflict and will cause a relationship to deteriorate if the pattern continues over time).

 

According to research findings in neuroscience, once new, healthy relationship styles have been developed these have to be practised consistently over time in order to make the new pattern your “default” by rewiring the brain. 

 

The good news, though, is that effective relationship skills can be learned!

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

References: The Great Deception. Brent Atkinson in Psychotherapy Networker, January/February 2014.

John Gottmann and Nan Silver (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Health and Happiness Life in General Psychology in practice

New Year’s Resolutions Aren’t For The Faint-hearted!

If you really want to make some positive changes in your life during 2014 you need commitment and single-minded determination!

We always get told that change isn’t easy – but do we really take this fact on board?

At this time of year we invariably think about the New Year ahead and promise ourselves that we will finally make those changes we have had in mind for so long – maybe to give up a bad habit or to lose weight and to get fit. It all sounds to wonderfully positive and optimistic, and we tend to feel better immediately, asif we have already succeeded!

However, as we also know, New Year’s resolutions rarely survive until the end of January. They are extremely difficult to maintain. Why is that?

We are all stuck in our comfort-zones, to a greater or lesser degree. Our lives are governed by rituals and habits, which work for us on some level, otherwise we would not have incorporated them into our lives along the way. Making changes to these patterns is equivalent to swimming upstream against a strong current – you need to have sufficient energy and staying power for the long marathon swim!

So what can you do to improve your chances of success when it comes to positive behaviour change?

First, it is important to think through the change/changes you want to make very carefully. What are your goals? Why do you wish to change this behaviour? What are your reasons for wanting to change? What will it involve? How motivated are you to make these changes? What are your strengths and weaknesses when it comes to self-control? Are you sufficiently committed and determined?

If we try to change our behaviour often and constantly fail for whatever reason, this can seriously affect our self-esteem. So before embarking on a programme of self-improvement, thorough preparation is key.

Second, identify people in your life who will be supportive and who will encourage you, particularly when your motivation falters. Sometimes the people in our lives actually undermine our efforts at self-improvement, either consciously or unconsciously. It is important that we confront this behaviour if at all possible as it can easily undermine our behaviour change efforts. Let the poeple in your life know what you need from them in order to help you succeed.

In my psychology practice I advise clients who wish to change some aspect of their behaviour to get an exercise book or a journal and write down their goals and the steps they need to take, (short, medium and long-term) in order to successfully achieve these. It is a good idea to use columns for this purpose, and to have a column in which time frames are noted. A “comments” column is also useful, where insights or problems can be recorded.

And when your goals have been successfully achieved, be very aware that you will need to maintain, and practice the new behaviours for at least four to six months consistently for these to be incorporated into your life as an unconscious, self-sustaining behaviour.

 

Best wishes with all your endeavours in 2014!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Psychology in practice

What makes us tick? The psychology behind cheating

As a psychologist, I am endlessly fascinated about the underpinnings of human behaviour and have been for over thirty years – long before I became a psychologist!

We are such complex beings, and when we add relationships into the equation, there are always a lot more questions than answers!

For example, why do people cheat? On tests, by telling lies (big and small), individually and in their relationships?

I came across an interesting study which raises some interesting ideas and, of course, a lot more questions!

Questions such as: Does cheating provide some individuals with an emotional high, which of course would predispose them to more of the same?!

You will find the article at:http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-cheaters-high-how-being-bad-feels.html

 

I would appreciate your comments!

 

Categories
Life in General Mindfulness Psychology in practice Relationship Building

Brains, minds and relationships: the good news is that our brains are wired for relationships!

Over the weekend I attended a wonderfully stimulating and informative workshop by the American expert in the field of interpersonal neurobiologyy, Dr Daniel Siegel. I had read a number of his books which I have found extremely relevant to my clinical work as a psychologist in the field of health and positive psychology. I was, however, quite bowled over by his one day presentation of his concept of “Mindsight”.

Mindsight refers to our ability to become aware of our awareness and our ability to be present with ourselves and with one another in our relationships. Dr Siegel has developed a mindfulness technique called “The Wheel of Awareness” to help anyone who wishes to deepen and stengthen their ability to relate and connect with themselves and with others. This is a hugely worthwhile practice as it underpins both social and emotional intelligence and hence our success in relating to our nearest and dearest but also with people in a variety of social situations, including the workplace.

Dr Siegel defines the human mnd as “the emergent self-organising embodied and relational process that regulates the energy flow within and between us”. This may seem to be pretty complex, and it is of course, however, what is interesting from a relationship point of view is that our brains are wired for relationships with other people, for being able to empathise and resonate with the emotions of others. We are therefore “built” for being in relationship with others and from an early age our attachment with significant others in our lives builds up neural circuits for interpersonal relationships.

How I see the implications of Dr Siegel’s cocept of Mindsight for relationships and for couple counselling:

* We each have the potential to relate meaningfully with others as our minds are designed for relationships. However, if we as individuals are not self-aware and in a state of inner harmony, we will probably find it difficult to access the parts of our mind which allow us to empathise with our partner. This begs the question: Can we maintain good relationships if we as individuals are in a bad space and/or we are functioning largely on auto-pilot?

* Sometimes our early experiences as a child with our primary attachment figures are less than optimal and may negatively affect our ability to develop deep and meaningful relationships. If you think that this may be the case and you are finding that your relationships are suffering as a result, the optimistic message is that it is possible to make positive changes to your brain through mindfulness training, meditation and psychotherapy and by doing so, you could in all likelihood improve your ability to relate meaningfully in all areas of your life.

Reference: Mindsight; Transform your brain with the new science of kindness. Daniel Siegel.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Psychology in practice Talking Points in Psychology and Psychotherapy

Cape Town Psychologist reflects on: Comfort Zones – are the always bad?

I know I did say I was going to talk about couple counselling and in-laws in my next post, but then I got to thinking about comfort zones, so I decided to talk about this topic first.

Say you are in a really good place in your life at present – everything is going well, you may have even achieved most of the goals that were important to you. Your health is fine, you don’t have any problems to speak of and can’t even identify many (or any) items to tick off on your bucket list…..

You are happy and content with life!

But perhaps there is a nagging thought somewhere that this maybe isn’t right – aren’t you supposed to be contantly motivated to achieve new goals, and if this is not the case, is there something wrong? Is it perhaps undiagnosed depression?

I have had clients who present with this type of quandary, but of course many people who are in this type of mindspace do not come to see a psychologist as they are not motivated to do so!

 

So is this a problem?

 

In the Western World we are socialised from a very young age to believe that continual striving for excellence is the way to go. After all, no-one would be interested in competitive sports or in doing well at school if this wasn’t the case and the human race would not produced such wonders as air travel and the ipad!

But, on an individual level, is it OK to get the point where your only goal is to not have any other goals?

 

I would appreciate your thoughts!

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples and relationships: How best to cope with a mother (daughter) – in law – from hell?

In my psychology practice I have many clients and couples where in-laws play a big role in the relationship – often in a very bad way! In many cases the in-laws, and usually predominantly the mother-in-law, is a major source of relationship conflict and numerous fights between the couple that recur time after time because nothing in the dynamic ever changes!

In fact I have seen a number of couples for couples counselling who tell me that their relationship is on the rocks, largely due to issues and differences of opinion about one or both sets of parents. And of course, in many cases, the in-laws appear to be far from blameless in the whole saga!

Sometimes it is a case of a mom-in-law not wanting to let go of her number one place in her child’s (usually her son’s) life, and then there are clients who are in their own marriage or intimate relationship yet still seem to be so enmeshed in the lives of their parents, and vice versa, to the degree that they seem unable to put their spouse’s needs, and the needs of their own relationship, first.

With other clients who are in couple counselling with me, one partner might complain that he/she feels caught in the middle in the war between their spouse andhis/her parents and doesn’t know which way to jump to avoid the fallout!

All in all, this type of dynamic can, and usually does, play havoc on any relationship!

So the question is – what can be done?

I will explore this question further in my next post…

 

Your comments and suggestions would be welcome!

 

Categories
Life in General Managing stress Psychology in practice

From my psychologist’s chair: What happens when our best traits turn out to be bad (for us)?

 

How does this happen?

 

a) What are your best qualities?

and

b) What aspects of yourself do you hate?

If you say, for example, that you are loyal, responsible and/or exceptionally hardworking, you would probably put these under a).

These are stirling qualities and, if you possess them, could be seen in a highly positive light. After all, they contribute significantly to a happy, well-adjusted and successful life. 

However, under certain circumstances these qualities can cause an individual to experience significant problems, especially if they are extreme.

Sometimes traits that served us well in childhood are no longer so useful, or may even backfire on us as adults!

Take perfectionism for example. If you were perfectionistic and highly responsible as a child, probably everyone gave you a great deal of positive strokes, including parents and teachers, after all you were always obliging and gave no-one any trouble!

 

Over the years in my psychology practice I have seen many clients who are model citizens and do everything “right”, but they complain that they are exhausted, stressed, burned-out and have no time for themselves. This is a difficult pattern to break, because of all the positive “pay-offs” that the behaviour pattern has for the individual (such as a sense of control and satisfaction that comes from ticking all the boxes, and ticking them well) and for the significant others in their lives who can often coast along comfortably because the perfectionist in their lives takes care of everything!

Sometimes the mere suggestion from the psychologist that they consider learning how to moderate their perfectionistic tendencies can bring on anxiety and even panic attacks, and is usually met with extreme (often unconscious) resistance.

If the burned-out individual can overcome this resistance and can make the necessary behaviour changes that can enable a more balanced life, this is not the end of the story unfortunately. Because the default tendency of the person is to be a perfectionist, there will be a need for a continuous high level of vigilance and commitment to maintaining the necessary boundaries and a “good-enough” approach to their numerous responsibilities in life in order to prevent backsliding.

 

However, I strongly believe that it is worth the effort!

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Is Your Cellphone Ruining your Relationship and Your Life?

Or more accurately:

 

Are you allowing your cellphone usage to seriously detract from your quality of life?

 

Consider the following scenarios:

 

  1. A couple are sitting in a dimly lit, cosy restaurant. Everything is perfect and the stage is set for a wonderful, intimate night out. However, both partners are texting furiously in their cellphones, oblivious to their surroundings and to each other.
  2. A young couple are sitting under umbrellas at the pool of an upmarket hotel. It is a perfect day, the sun is shining and their two young children are playing in the paddling pool a few metres away. Quality family time? Well no, because both are fixated on their respective small screens.
  3. A man and his dog are having some bonding time at the beach. The sand is white, the sun is warm, the sea looks inviting but what is happening? The man is lost to the moment and his dog is sitting in front of him looking dejected. What a shame!

 

So why do we do this to ourselves and what is the impact on our lives as a result?

We tend to feel that we are being so productive and are being so well connected by being on facebook etc, yet what is often happening is that we are totally missing out on the special moments in our real lives!

 

Time and again, in my psychology practice, I am told of how some aspect of cellphone usage has  led to something bad happening,  either for an individual or for a couple in their relationship.

 

What are the top contenders?

 

For individuals:

  • Not being able to “switch-off” in their down-time, causing frustration, resentment and ultimately in burnout.

 

For couples:

  • Often partners find out that their spouse is cheating by finding text messages on his/her cellphone. Cellphones make it much easier to indulge in secret relationships.
  • It is easy to get the wrong end of the stick. SMS messages are easy to misconstrue. I suggest to my clients that they restrict SMs communication sharing of information. Anything sensitive or potentially emotion-provoking should be discussed face-to-face to prevent misunderstandings from occuring.
  • Unrealistic expectations are built up. When you know your partner has a cellphone on their person at all times it is easy to assume that they will be able to respond to a message from you immediately at any time of the day or night. So when they don’t (or can’t), the s…t can easily, and habitually, hit the fan!

 

So what can be done to avoid all the technologically-induced minefields of our own making?

 

First, I suggest becoming mindful of your own cellphone behaviour. Make changes where necessary. 

 

If you believe that your partner has a problem in restricting their cellphone usage, bring up the topic diplomatically. Perhaps talk about the upsides of being less cellphone-centred!

 

If you cannot seem to find the right balance between the virtual and the real or if you are actually obsessed by all things web-based and that life is passing you by  (or your partner believes this about  you), maybe it is time to get some help!

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Relationship Myth no. 2: Secrets Maintain a Good Relationship

Do you need to keep secrets from your partner to hold on to your individuality?

10 March 2013

11:11 AM

I would go as far as to say that communication is the life blood of any health relationship. There are exceptions of course, but then aren’t there exceptions to most things?!

 

So what do you say to a partner who tells you that sharing details of their life will cause him/her to lose him?herself as an individual?

 

I agree that it is crucial for individuals to retain their uniqueness and their sense of themselves when they are a member of a couple.

 

 I see so many unhappy clients who tell me that they hardly remember who they once were once they have been in a relationship for some time where they have changed the way they behave and react in fundamental ways in order to satisfy the demands of their partner.  If this makes that person miserable or depressed, I believe that the price of this type of  compromise is (perhaps unacceptably) high.

 

However, this type of issue  is not the topic of this particular post.

 

I am referring to couples who are essentially happy but who believe that, in order to stay that way, that they should keep a large portion of themselves private and in this way the relationship will maintain its mystery and excitement.

 

I believe this to be a myth as relationships cannot develop and deepen without the partners getting to know the person with whom they are sharing their lives. In my view this is the only way in which really intimacy and emotional attunement can be established, which is the bedrock of any fulfilling relationship.

 

This does not mean, of course, that partners should feel obliged to reveal every last detail of their lives (both past and present) to their significant other. This is a matter of individual choice, to be made in consultation with one’s partner. What I am referring to is healthy ongoing communication between partners about themselves, their relationship, their  everyday lives and their hope and dreams for the future. 

 

I would appreciate your comments…   

Categories
Life in General Psychology in practice Relationship Building

In children, teenagers, adults and couples: why is validation of the self so important in our lives?

What do we mean by validation and why is it so important?

Last week I attended a training workshop on the topic of self-injury.

It was stated that in many cases of self-injury there is a history of some form of abuse. However, another factor which is seriously damaging to the (developing) psyche is invalidation where parents and other caregivers fail to acknowledge their children, punish, demean or embarrass them repeatedly for their behaviour or fail to believe them when the child reports a serious concern such as bullying or sexual abuse.

A sense of being valued for our uniqueness is essential for healthy psychological development and for a sense of psychological coherence and wellbeing.

As parents, friends and lovers we need to remember this. I believe that if each of us could commit to treating all our significant others (and also our acquaintances) with respect and a non-judgemental attitude (even though the latter can often be extremely difficult!), we could not only build up the self-esteem of those who matter the most to us in our lives, but we could also greatly improve the quality of all our relationships!

Of course, this is easier said than done, and a great deal of what I do in therapy with individuals and couples is coaching in the necessary skills to become validating and also self-validating!