Tag: psychotherapy

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples and relationships: How best to cope with a mother (daughter) – in law – from hell?

In my psychology practice I have many clients and couples where in-laws play a big role in the relationship – often in a very bad way! In many cases the in-laws, and usually predominantly the mother-in-law, is a major source of relationship conflict and numerous fights between the couple that recur time after time because nothing in the dynamic ever changes!

In fact I have seen a number of couples for couples counselling who tell me that their relationship is on the rocks, largely due to issues and differences of opinion about one or both sets of parents. And of course, in many cases, the in-laws appear to be far from blameless in the whole saga!

Sometimes it is a case of a mom-in-law not wanting to let go of her number one place in her child’s (usually her son’s) life, and then there are clients who are in their own marriage or intimate relationship yet still seem to be so enmeshed in the lives of their parents, and vice versa, to the degree that they seem unable to put their spouse’s needs, and the needs of their own relationship, first.

With other clients who are in couple counselling with me, one partner might complain that he/she feels caught in the middle in the war between their spouse andhis/her parents and doesn’t know which way to jump to avoid the fallout!

All in all, this type of dynamic can, and usually does, play havoc on any relationship!

So the question is – what can be done?

I will explore this question further in my next post…

 

Your comments and suggestions would be welcome!

 

Categories
Life in General Managing stress Psychology in practice

From my psychologist’s chair: What happens when our best traits turn out to be bad (for us)?

 

How does this happen?

 

a) What are your best qualities?

and

b) What aspects of yourself do you hate?

If you say, for example, that you are loyal, responsible and/or exceptionally hardworking, you would probably put these under a).

These are stirling qualities and, if you possess them, could be seen in a highly positive light. After all, they contribute significantly to a happy, well-adjusted and successful life. 

However, under certain circumstances these qualities can cause an individual to experience significant problems, especially if they are extreme.

Sometimes traits that served us well in childhood are no longer so useful, or may even backfire on us as adults!

Take perfectionism for example. If you were perfectionistic and highly responsible as a child, probably everyone gave you a great deal of positive strokes, including parents and teachers, after all you were always obliging and gave no-one any trouble!

 

Over the years in my psychology practice I have seen many clients who are model citizens and do everything “right”, but they complain that they are exhausted, stressed, burned-out and have no time for themselves. This is a difficult pattern to break, because of all the positive “pay-offs” that the behaviour pattern has for the individual (such as a sense of control and satisfaction that comes from ticking all the boxes, and ticking them well) and for the significant others in their lives who can often coast along comfortably because the perfectionist in their lives takes care of everything!

Sometimes the mere suggestion from the psychologist that they consider learning how to moderate their perfectionistic tendencies can bring on anxiety and even panic attacks, and is usually met with extreme (often unconscious) resistance.

If the burned-out individual can overcome this resistance and can make the necessary behaviour changes that can enable a more balanced life, this is not the end of the story unfortunately. Because the default tendency of the person is to be a perfectionist, there will be a need for a continuous high level of vigilance and commitment to maintaining the necessary boundaries and a “good-enough” approach to their numerous responsibilities in life in order to prevent backsliding.

 

However, I strongly believe that it is worth the effort!

 

Categories
Life in General Psychology in practice

Thinking about going for some psychotherapy, counselling or coaching in South Africa?

Will your sessions be paid for by your medical aid?

 

When prospective clients contact my Cape Town based psychology practice for the first time, we invariable bring up the topic of  medical aid payment. For clients on medical aids, the question I get gets asked is – “will my psychotherapy treatment be covered by my medical aid”?

 

There are a number of aspects to this that you will need to clarify  before a definite answer can be given, for example:

1. Is the psychologist, counsellor or coach registered with the Health Professions’ Council and with the Board of Healthcare Funders (BHF)?

Only professionally registered psychologists and psychological counsellors can claim from medical aids.

 

2. Is the registered psychologist, counsellor or coach charging medical aid (BHF) rates?

 

3. Does the psychologist or counsellor require you to pay upfront for your sessions and then for you to claim back the fee from your medical aid, or are they prepared to submit directly to the medical aid on your behalf?

 

4. Do you have sufficient funds in your medical aid account to cover number of psychology sessions required?

Each medical aid has its own benefit structure – some have a savings component for all out of hospital medical treatment, with psychology and psychotherapy treatment coming out of this “pot”, while other medical aids have  a set annual  “ceiling” for psychotherapy (this is the annual amount that is “allowed”, once this is exceeded the member has to pay for their psychology sessions themselves). Some medical aid plans, on the other hand are a combination of these two – there is a ceiling for claims but then once a certain amount has been spent on medical expenses above that ceiling, medical aid benefits again kick in.

In order to find out this information, you could contact your medical aid and quote the code 86205 which is the BHF code used for an hour of psychotherapy (which is the usual length for an individual psychology session)

 

5. Is the diagnostic code the psychologist will be using covered by your medical aid?

For some time the BHF have required health care practitioners to provide diagnostic codes for the treatments and procedures that are undertaken. This is also the case for psychologists. The coding system that is currently used is the ICD 10. When you visit your psychologist for the first time, he/she will do an informal or a formal assessment of your concern or problem, and will be required to note a diagnosis on the statement that is sent to your medical aid.

Some medical aids restrict benefits to particular problems or disorders and may sometimes, therefore, refuse to pay for certain types of issues.  Sometimes, too, medical aids may restrict benefits to certain categories of psychologists, depending on their scope of practice.

This will be a subject for a future post!

Categories
Health and Happiness Managing stress Mindfulness Psychology in practice

Why is it easier to be anxious and depressed rather than happy and relaxed?

It appears that we can blame it on evolution!

 

Why is it so difficult to stop our minds drifting to unpleasant and anxiety-provoking topics? Often this happens in the middle of the night, especially to insomniacs who often find that their thoughts prevent them from getting back to sleep.

Well, evolutionary psychologists put it down to the way in which our brains are wired, says Ronald Siegel in his article entitled “West meets East” in the September/October edition of Psychotherapy Networker (in which he discussed the link between psychotherapy and Eastern spiritual practices, such as mindfulness).

The arguement goes that the human beings of today have survived through natural selection only because, through thousands of years, they are the ones who were constantly on the lookout for danger and needed to be extremely adept at anticipating possible risks and life-threatening situations. So anxiety and fear kept you alive whilst happiness and complacency got you killed.

So, although the world has changed a great deal since the days of our cavemen ancestors, our physiology and the wiring of our brains have remained more or less the same, causing us to react to (usually) benign life events, such as traffic snarl-ups and work pressure, asif they were of the magnitude of a tiger hiding in the shadows, waiting to pounce.

So if we are wired for anxiety and stress, what can be done about it?

First it is necessary to develop an awareness of the problem. Then with the help of cognitive-behavioural techniques (CBT), relaxation training and mindfulness techniques it is possible to gain control of one’s thoughts and to calm down the mind. It is important to take on board that one’s thoughts are merely a product of one’s mind and are not necessarily accurate. It is quite possible to substitute more balanced thoughts for thoughts that lead to anxiety, stress and depression. This will help to calm the mind, paving the way for a more measured, focused and appreciative approach to life, including one’s relationships.

And this can only lead to an inhanced feeling of happiness and contentment!

Categories
Health and Happiness Managing stress Mindfulness New Research and Ideas

The bonus of successful ageing: Why we get happier as we get older.

Research has consistently indicated that people, on average, feel happier and more emotionally stable as they move into middle and old age. This seems surprising as this period of one’s life is when we become acutely aware that our bodies and minds are not as efficient as they were in our youth, and when we experience health-related problems and physical and psychological losses and crises.

However, it appears that in the midst of all our ageing-related challenges and problems we are nontheless more happy and emotionally stable according to an article in the journal Psychology and Aging (October 2010), as cited in New Therapist Magazine (January/February 2011)

Why is this?

 

Perhaps because:

As we get older we become more aware of our mortality and that time is running out. We therefore live in a more mindful and balanced way, enjoying the joys and pleasures of the everyday life, taking nothing for granted.

We become more and more aware that our time on this earth is limited and this leads to our becoming a lot more selective in what we choose to do with our time.

 

In my view, the take-home message from this research is : we could all live happier lives, irrespective of our age, if we make a point of living every day in a mindful, balanced way!

 

 

 

And that Positive Psychology and Mindfulness training should be considered integral to psychotherapy!

Categories
Life in General

Why are clients coming for psychotherapy? A psychologist conducts an informal analysis of what brings her clients for counselling.

As a psychologist based in the southern suburbs of Cape Town for the last seventeen years, the predominant problem that has brought, and continues to bring  both individuals and couples into therapy involves relationships. Even when clients contact me because they are suffering from depression and/or anxiety, the cause in seven out of ten cases relates to problems in their intimate relationships.

Our attachment bonds are so crucial to our sense of security and our emotional well-being, thus when they are threatened or severed, the individuals involved are often plunged into an crisis and often experience an emotional melt-down.

In order to keep our important relationships healthy and vital, we pay attention to them in the same way as a gardener tends a vegetable garden. Respect and goodwill need to be cultivated in order to strengthen and maintain the relationship bonds with the significant people in our lives.

Have a happy, loving and relaxing festive season!