Do you need to keep secrets from your partner to hold on to your individuality?
10 March 2013
11:11 AM
I would go as far as to say that communication is the life blood of any health relationship. There are exceptions of course, but then aren’t there exceptions to most things?!
So what do you say to a partner who tells you that sharing details of their life will cause him/her to lose him?herself as an individual?
I agree that it is crucial for individuals to retain their uniqueness and their sense of themselves when they are a member of a couple.
I see so many unhappy clients who tell me that they hardly remember who they once were once they have been in a relationship for some time where they have changed the way they behave and react in fundamental ways in order to satisfy the demands of their partner. If this makes that person miserable or depressed, I believe that the price of this type of compromise is (perhaps unacceptably) high.
However, this type of issue is not the topic of this particular post.
I am referring to couples who are essentially happy but who believe that, in order to stay that way, that they should keep a large portion of themselves private and in this way the relationship will maintain its mystery and excitement.
I believe this to be a myth as relationships cannot develop and deepen without the partners getting to know the person with whom they are sharing their lives. In my view this is the only way in which really intimacy and emotional attunement can be established, which is the bedrock of any fulfilling relationship.
This does not mean, of course, that partners should feel obliged to reveal every last detail of their lives (both past and present) to their significant other. This is a matter of individual choice, to be made in consultation with one’s partner. What I am referring to is healthy ongoing communication between partners about themselves, their relationship, their everyday lives and their hope and dreams for the future.
I would appreciate your comments…