Tag: healthy relationships

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Psychology in practice

Couples and Singles: How high is your Couples’ EQ?

When it comes to relationships, are you any good at intimacy and emotional connection?

Valentine’s Day again! Perhaps this is a good moment to refect on how you are doing relationship-wise! Not only in your intimate relationship(s) but also in your relationships with all the other people in your life.

According to an article in the most recent edition of “Psychotherapy Networker”, there are two essential skill sets involved in keeping our relationships on track. These are distress tolerance and the ability to self-soothe in times of conflict, and emotional accessibility.

In my couple counselling practice I have found that being caught in a negative cycle of negativity and escalating conflict is one of the main characteristic of unhappy relationships. Couples who are at this stage of their relationship usually find it impossible to get out of this cycle without some type of professional help. John Gottmann calls this the “Roach Motel” phenomenon.

So what is involved in these two essential skills sets?

Distress tolerance and the ability to self-soothe concerns how well we are able to stay calm “under fire” – not to get angry and defensive in the face of anger and criticism from one’s partner, but to stay in a receptive and empathic state. Of couse is is very difficult and requires a great deal of practise for most of us! 

Emotional Accessibility is about being able to stay emotionally engaged with one’s partner, even when one is in the middle of an arguement. It is not easy to stay emotionally present in a conflict situation as we all know! (individuals characeristically either go into anger or withdrawal mode. Both styles only serve to intensify the conflict and will cause a relationship to deteriorate if the pattern continues over time).

 

According to research findings in neuroscience, once new, healthy relationship styles have been developed these have to be practised consistently over time in order to make the new pattern your “default” by rewiring the brain. 

 

The good news, though, is that effective relationship skills can be learned!

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

References: The Great Deception. Brent Atkinson in Psychotherapy Networker, January/February 2014.

John Gottmann and Nan Silver (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Relationship Building

Couples: What is the key to a happy and fulfilling relationship?

I believe it involves being emotionally tuned in to your partner! And of course it needs to go both ways!

Unfortunately, being able to tune in to one’s partner doesn’t always come naturally and easily, except during the early, heady days of the relationships when you are both madly in love!

This becomes particularly difficult when partners are at loggerheads over entrenched issues and goodwill between the couple has eroded away over time. The way in which couples communicate with each other is often a yardstick of relationship health and the depth of intimacy the couple enjoy. If couples are emotionally attuned they tend to have high levels of intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

So how do you go about becoming more emotionally attuned to your partner?

It all boils down to empathy!

I will talk more about empathy in future posts.

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Is your relationship in good health?

If not, what do you need to do in order to get it back on track?

How do you go about evaluating your relationship?

In my psychology practice, I am told my clients that they “just know” when their intimate relationship is working well. When I ask them how they come to this conclusion, they will often say that their partner just “gets” them, and that they feel appreciated, valued and cared for by their partner.

However, when couples come for counselling because their relationship is in trouble, there are a host of reasons they give for the demise of the relationship. They know that their relationship is not working for them, however they often report that they cannot put their finger(s) on exactly what the problem is (usually they will blame their partner for the distressing state of affairs). Many couples say that they are no longer communicating on an intimate level and in many cases, issues never get resolved and arguements tend merely to deteriorate into an unpleasant scene or in a silent stand-off.

Over the years as a result of my experience with numerous troubled couples in my practice, and a great deal of reading on all aspects of relationship dynamics and conflict resolution, I have devised a list of principles for maintaining healthy relationships (along the same lines as a nutritionalist producing a check-list of aspects of healthy eating).

My list is as follows:

 TEN ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES FOR MAINTAINING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

1. Take personal responsibility for the  well-being of your relationship

2. Don’t argue when you are angry and stop an argument when you become worked-up

3. Focus your mind on the positive feelings you have for your partner

4. Keep your eye on the ball – winning an argument should not be the goal

5. Treat  your partner with respect at all times

6. “Fight fair” – focus on behavior and not on psychological “failings”

7. Be assertive and not aggressive

8. Develop the ability to emotionally attune with your partner

9. Have constructive rather than destructive arguments

10.Take on board that your partner’s views as valid as your own.

WhWilst I have found that happy and contented couples are usually able to unconsciously and effortlessly adhere to these principles, unhappy couples often report that they are unable, and sometimes even unwilling, to conduct their relationships accordingly.

Why this is the case in each instance,and what can be done about it is the challenge of couple counselling!

In future posts I will discuss each of the above principles in some detail.