If not, what do you need to do in order to get it back on track?
How do you go about evaluating your relationship?
In my psychology practice, I am told my clients that they “just know” when their intimate relationship is working well. When I ask them how they come to this conclusion, they will often say that their partner just “gets” them, and that they feel appreciated, valued and cared for by their partner.
However, when couples come for counselling because their relationship is in trouble, there are a host of reasons they give for the demise of the relationship. They know that their relationship is not working for them, however they often report that they cannot put their finger(s) on exactly what the problem is (usually they will blame their partner for the distressing state of affairs). Many couples say that they are no longer communicating on an intimate level and in many cases, issues never get resolved and arguements tend merely to deteriorate into an unpleasant scene or in a silent stand-off.
Over the years as a result of my experience with numerous troubled couples in my practice, and a great deal of reading on all aspects of relationship dynamics and conflict resolution, I have devised a list of principles for maintaining healthy relationships (along the same lines as a nutritionalist producing a check-list of aspects of healthy eating).
My list is as follows:
TEN ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES FOR MAINTAINING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
1. Take personal responsibility for the well-being of your relationship
2. Don’t argue when you are angry and stop an argument when you become worked-up
3. Focus your mind on the positive feelings you have for your partner
4. Keep your eye on the ball – winning an argument should not be the goal
5. Treat your partner with respect at all times
6. “Fight fair” – focus on behavior and not on psychological “failings”
7. Be assertive and not aggressive
8. Develop the ability to emotionally attune with your partner
9. Have constructive rather than destructive arguments
10.Take on board that your partner’s views as valid as your own.
WhWilst I have found that happy and contented couples are usually able to unconsciously and effortlessly adhere to these principles, unhappy couples often report that they are unable, and sometimes even unwilling, to conduct their relationships accordingly.
Why this is the case in each instance,and what can be done about it is the challenge of couple counselling!
In future posts I will discuss each of the above principles in some detail.