Intimacy is the cornerstone of any significant relationship. When we are in love and our relationships are new, intimacy is usually at an all-time high. Couples in love tend to spend hours talking to each other about all aspects of their lives, communication seems effortless and relationships, as a result, feel deeply satisfying.
Unfortunately, though, over time, real intimacy often becomes a casualty of our hectic lives. In my work with couples I hear time and again how the responsibilities of children, careers and paying the rent become the central focus of a couple’s life and before they know it they have lost touch with each other – as John Gottman would put it – the couple are no longer “emotionally attuned” to each other.
Why is intimacy so important in a relationship?
A decline in intimacy is potentially dangerous for the well-being of the relationships as it can set the stage for misunderstandings to occur, empathy becomes more difficult to achieve which may cause partners to begin to criticise and to judge each other, leading to a further deterioration in the relationship.
Rate the level of intimacy in your relationship:
According to the author David Wexler, there are four dimensions or “pillars” of intimacy which include:
Emotional security and safety
• Freedom from physical violence
• Freedom from threats of infidelity
• Freedom from threats of abandonment
• Freedom from humiliation or emotional abuse
• Trust in maintaining privacy and confidentiality
Personal Knowledge and Emotional Intimacy
• Knowing the details of the other person’s everyday life and history
• Recognizing the personal vulnerabilities of the other person
• Knowing what is genuinely meaningful and rewarding to the other person
Expressions of Affection
• Genuine communication that “I like you”
• Everyday expression of physical affection
• Everyday expression of verbal affection
• Playfulness and humour together
• Shared meaningful and rewarding activities
Sex and Passion
• Compatibility of sexual drive and sexual behaviours
• Deeply connecting sexual experiences
• Consistent personal attraction
Reference: Wexler, David B. Men in Therapy. New Approaches for Effective Treatment. Norton
How can you re-establish intimacy with your partner once it has been eroded or lost?
This will be the subject of my next post.