If so, be wary if your partner suggests that you go alone to individual counselling.
I have found over the last twenty years of seeing couples in my psychology and mediation practice for relationship counselling, and also seeing individuals in therapy who are having relationship problems, that in some cases the person is there in my office because their spouse has suggested that it is a good idea that their partner attend individual therapy. This scenario invariably causes alarm bells to sound in my mind.
Why is this?
Sometimes a spouse would like, either consciously or unconsciously to have their partner accept the belief that their relationship problems are as a result of their partner’s psychological problems, such as their depression or anxiety. This then lets them off the hook in terms of responsibility for their problems as a couple.
If the “ailing” partner accepts this diagnosis from their spouse and comes alone for therapy, they become what is known as “the identified patient”.
This is potentially a bad state of affairs for a couple of reasons. First – yes, the client may in fact be suffering from depression but this may be a result and not a cause of the problems that exist within the relationship. Or it is possible that the depression may be one of a number of issues that need to be addressed within the relationship.
Secondly, if only one of the couple come for therapy the opportunity is lost to work on the couples’ problems on a relationship level. The other partner’s opinions and personal interaction cannot be observed by the therapist who has to rely on the individual’s account of their relationship. This may cause the psychologist to misjudge the nature of the relationship.
For these reasons I advise couples who are having relationship problems to first see a couple therapist for an assessment before making a decision to attend further counselling. And if your spouse suggests that you go for counselling alone, make sure that you fully understand his or her motivation and motives!