And how to go about dealing with them!
In my experiece as a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples counselling and relationship problems, the main issues that bring couples into counselling and therapy are:
1. Poor communication
2. Money issues
3. Children and parenting problems
4. Conflict with in-laws and extended family
Poor communication is the number one problem for most of the couples that I see. Partners tend to complain that they can’t seem to “connect” with each other any longer and their communication is no longer an easy, comfortable aspect of their lives but seems fraught with misunderstandings, anomosity and disrespect. Intimacy tends, of course to go out the window when this type of pattern becomes the norm in a relationship.
So what can be done when a relationship reaches this stage?
In my experience when communication breaks down between a couple this is often not the cause of their problems but tends to be the result of an often insiduous relationship breakdown.
First a couple needs to acknowledge that their relationship is in trouble and to arrange to get some help. It is estimated that couples who are having problems tend to wait for six years on average before going for couples counselling (John Gottman’s research).
Couples should also prioritise their work to get their relationship back on track. This entails scheduling regular time to spend quality time together enjoying each other’s company – go out on dates! When you are out together vow to NOT discuss serious and contentious issues – leave these for a weekly meeting where you sit down and have a more formal discussion.
Don’t let arguments get out of hand. Agree with your partner that when either of you start to notice that emotions are running high that you stop the interaction, have a “time-out” and agree to resume the discussion when you are both calm. It is important, though, to always get back to an issue until it is resolved rather than “shoving it under the mat”.
Resolve, too, to always speak to each other in a respectful way and to never resort to being rude and hurtful.
After all, you profess to love this person!
In the next post I will talk about money issues in relationships.