Why is emotional responsiveness so important in relationships?
According to Emotion Focused Couple Counselling the fundamental question a partner asks themselves, often unconsciously, (in respect to their other half) is “is he/she really there for me when I need him/her?”. This refers, of course, to a whole spectrum of needs – from the purely practical to the deeply emotional.
Many partners who come to me for couple counselling complain that their partner is not responsive to their needs. For example, partners often complain that the significant other tends to be on their phone 24/7, even when they are out on date night or that there is no longer an intimate connection between the couple and no quality time is spent together anymore.
Many a client has actually accused their partner of being narcissistic because there is a total lack of consideration of their partner’s feelings and needs!
Of course there can be a number of different reasons for a partner’s lack of responsiveness.
It could be that over time the relationship has deteriorated gradually or the couple has merely drifted apart over the years through a lack of focus and prioritizing of their relationship. This is especially common when children arrive. Rarely is it due to an inherent aspect of one, or both partner’s personality.
Is this something that can be rectified?
Of course, if the cause of a couple’s problems are related primarily to a lack of attention, consideration and care on the part of a partner, with sufficient motivation and effort their would be hope that the couple could re-establish their intimate connection. Sometimes couples need help in this regard, though, as good communication skills are essential for relationship satisfaction. However, if there has been a major breach in trust between the couple due to infidelity, for example, the process of reconnecting emotionally becomes infinitely more difficult and will take considerably patience, commitment and time.
In some cases, partners are, in fact trying to be responsive but their spouse fails to recognize or acknowledge their efforts, as outlined in the book “The Seven Love Languages”.
In all relationships communication is key. Let your partner know what you need from them and make sure that you keep in touch with your spouse on an emotionally intimate level. Make sure, too, that you prioritize quality time for yourselves as a couple!