Relationship infidelity. Is there any hope for a relationship after an affair?

What is the likelihood that a couple can save their relationship after an infidelity?

The discovery of an affair or another form of cheating is one of the major reasons that unhappy couples present for couple counselling. Almost all of them ask me early on in the therapy process whether or not it is possible to save their relationship.

This is, of course, a difficult and perhaps impossible question to answer!

Of course, in theory, most relationships can be saved if both parties are determined to make it happen. However, in practice, there are many factors that will determine whether or not they will be successful.

So what do I say to couples who ask me this question?

I tell them that yes, I have had a number of couples as clients who have succeeded in staying together and who have gone on to establishing a new and improved understanding of each other and a deep appreciation of value of their bond.  However, the process of recovery from an affair tends to be a long, often painful journey as trust, once broken, takes a great deal of effort, patience and commitment to re-establish.

What factors increase the odds of couples being successful in getting their relationship back on track?

In the couples I have seen who report long-term success (more than two years) in staying together in mutually satisfying relationships, have shared the following characteristics:

1. A strong commitment to the relationship and to hanging in there with their partner for as long as it takes to succeed.  I let my couples know that the process will doubtless be long, tough and emotionally challenging. Many clients become disheartened when, after months of perseverance, there often remains high levels of mistrust and negativity from the partner.
2. A lack of, or a resolution of ambivalence regarding staying in the relationship. In many cases the partner having the affair is torn between wishing to recover his/her  relationship and not wanting to end it with the third party whilst the partner who has been cheated on fears that it will happen again and again. It is generally accepted that any ambivalence needs to be resolved in favour of the spouse/partner and staying in the relationship before the process of reconciliation can begin in ernest.
3. Total honesty and disclosure. I have found that if both parties are not totally honest with each other before embarking on reconciliation, the chance of success is seriously jeopardized as trust in the partner is eroded even further with each new disclosure.
4. A high level of emotional investment in the relationship. For example, when there are children couples often realize there is a great deal at stake when coming to a decision about the future of their relationship.
5. Sensitivity and empathy in relation to their partner’s feelings and needs.
6. Endless patience and consideration.
7. And of course, love and respect for their partner!

So yes, there is hope! But a great deal of perseverance and dedication will be needed!