Tag: couples counselling

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples: How are you at resolving conflict in your relationship?

Why is constructive conflict resolution so important to your relationship?

 

Is the way you resolve conflict bringing you closer together or is it tearing you apart?

Of course I see a great many unhappy couples in my practice. Usually their trust in each other and in their relationship is at an all time low, and inevitably so is the goodwill that exists between them.

I often wonder what happened over the years to bring the couple to such a low point in their relationship. They usually report having felt positive and optimistic about their relationship (and their marriage) originally but over the years their dynamic changed from constructive and affirming to destructive and discounting of their partner.

How and why have things changed so radically?

Inevitably over the years partners will be faced with attributes, attitudes behaviour in their spouse that they dislike, disagree with or seriously detest. How partners deal with each situation where conflict occurs has long-term consequences for the health of their relationship. If differences are dealt with constructively, the resolution of conflict can enable couples to gain deeper understanding of each other.  However, if conflict interactions tend to turn nasty and destructive, relationships can be severely damaged over time as a result.

What are some features of destructive arguments and poor conflict resolution in relationships?

  1. Losing control of anger during an argument resulting in attempts to “wound” the other, either physically or  emotionally.
  2. Treating one’s part disrespectfully.
  3. Failing to take your partner’s views and feelings in account.
  4. Fighting to win at all costs, often to the detriment of the relationship.
  5. Believing that the above behaviour is justified because of the perceived “failings” displayed by the partner.

 

If you recognize any or all of these features in your own style of resolving conflict I would recommend that you resolve to change this pattern without delay because this is placing your relationship in serious jeopardy. 

 

In future posts I will discuss ways in which you can start to turn a destructive pattern around.

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Health and Happiness Psychology in practice Talking Points in Psychology and Psychotherapy

Psychology and discriminating psychotherapy: The importance of finding an effective psychologist.

The importance of finding a solutions-focused psychologist.

One of my gurus, Michael Yapko, published a new book today called “The Discriminating Therapist” which is available as a download on Amazon.

Dr Yapko is a seasoned therapist, hypnotherapist and presenter. You can find his website and his new book at http://www.yapko.com/the-discriminating-therapist/

He came out to South Africa a few years ago and I was fortunate to be able to attend a hypnotherapy workshop that he presented in Pretoria. His approach to therapy is so practical and useful that I use his ideas and his strategies routinely in my therapy with clients, both in individual and in couple’s counselling.

Why is his approach so useful? Ironically, Dr Yapko would disagree with this question but would no doubt restate it it this way: how can the therapist be of help in enabling their clients to reach their stated goals? The client’s goals may involve achieving a desired state, such as becoming calm and content (if they suffer from depression or anxiety) or gaining mastery over some aspect of life, such as conquering procrastination or improving communication in their marriage.

Dr Yapko maintains that, in life, “how” questions are more useful that “why” questions.

Why does he say this? If you think about it, we can look for reasons for our behaviour until the cows come home! However, this doesn’t help us to identify, and change whatever behaviours (or patterns of behaviour), thinking patterns or thinking strategies that maintains our problems, such as depression or anxiety. Once the therapist has helped the client in this regard, positive change can be facilitated. 

This brings me to the topic of choosing a therapist that will be right for you. Dr Yapko would ask “How do you go about choosing an effective therapist”! 

I would ask a psychologist upfront whether or not you could have a short, free (15 minute) introductory session with him or her so that you can have an opportunity to assess whether or not his or her approach seems to be right for you in terms of how you relate to each other and also in terms of whether or not you are both on the same page regarding their focus, approach to therapy and envisaged time frame for the achievement of your desired goals for therapy.

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Psychology in practice

Personal growth and personal aspirations in a relationship: Do you have to choose?

If you are in a relationship do your personal goals and aspirations have to take second place to your marriage and to your family life?

In my psychology practice I often have clients ask me whether or not it is OK to pursue a personal interest or hobby if they are in a committed relationship. Often they are getting pressure from their partner, who is saying that family responsibilities should trump personal “projects”.

Pressure of this sort from a spouse will often cause their “other half” to feel conflicted, guilty and resentful. Their personal goals are often regarded by their partner as “selfish” and often this view is internalized by the individual concerned.

In my couple counselling I am strongly of the view that individuals in a relationship should honour each other’s aspirations and goals as a priority. They should make every effort to enable their spouse to reach for their dreams, even if it means having to make personal sacrifices such as volunteering to look after the children, allocating some funds for studies and missing out on time that would be spend together.

A committed relationship, including marriage, should ideally be a springboard where the couple and their children are able to fulfill  each of their personal potential from a secure base. I do realize that this is an ideal, but I believe that this is a worthwhile ideal to strive for!

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples, relationships and infidelity: Can your marriage survive the devastating impact of infidelity?

A marriage post-infidelity – is there any hope for reconciliation?

As a couples counsellor, I tend to write a great deal about infidelity. Why is this?

The main reason is that I see a great many instances of infidelity in my work with couples and I see first-hand the impact that it has on relationships. Many couples that I see are either trying to get their relationships  back on track post-infidelity or are grappling with ambivalence and confusion about whether or not to try to salvage their marriages.

A second reason is that helping a couple to recover their relationship post-infidelity is particularly difficult and challenging and demands a high degree of skill and experience.

Before I continue, I need to define what I mean by infidelity in this context. When it comes to relationships, any action or inaction that results in a major breach of trust can be regarded by a spouse as an infidelity – from secretly sending flirtatious text messages to a third party to a full-on sexual affair. I have found over the years that the extent or nature of the infidelity is no predictor of the extent or depth of a partner’s sense of hurt and betrayal – if the behaviour is perceived as a betrayal it will lead to a crisis where the affected partner is left to question the integrity of their spouse and the future viability of their union.  

Infidelity is, of course, not confined to the sexual realm but also to any other aspect of the relationship, such as the couples’ finances. Examples of financial infidelity include keeping major purchases secret from the spouse or withdrawing funds out of a joint bond account without the knowledge of their partner. 

As mentioned previously, infidelity is invariably so devastating to a relationship or marriage because trust is destroyed. Trust, together with commitment, is a pivotal aspect of any relationship according to the relationship guru, John Gottman. If trust between the partners is damaged or destroyed, the future of the relationship is very uncertain. Of course many relationships do survive infidelity. However, the recovery process is often long and hard. There are major challenges for both partners.

I will discuss these and the process involved in a future post.

 

 

 

 

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples Counselling and Relationship ambivalence: Should you stay or should you leave?

And can couple counselling help in making this call?

To stay or to leave an unhappy relationship is one of the hardest decisions many of us have to make at various times in our adult lives. There is so much at stake, especially when there are children involved.

When a marriage or a relationship has been troubled or unhappy for some time it is inevitable that one or both partners may start to harbour serious thoughts about leaving. There will often be a period of intense internal contemplation, accompanied in many cases by long conversations with a confidant or with close friends.

When a partner has been going through this process without letting you know about his/her thoughts or  feelings regarding the relationship, it can come as a huge shock when finally the topic is raised. Suddenly a person’s world in thrown into disarray and the future seems highly uncertain and threatening. There is usually a feeling of intense hurt accompanied by a sense of the anticipated loss.

This is often the moment when couples decide to come in for counselling.

The partner who has initiated the conversation about a possible breakup of the relationship is often not yet sure about what he/she wants to do – whether they would like to try to save the relationship or if they would rather call it quits. This confusion invariably adds to the hurt and anxiety being experienced by the partner, who usually tries to push their partner for some clarity and some definite answers. However, in many instances the partner cannot comply as he/she is invariably experiencing a great deal of confusion and ambivalence regarding their feelings and about the possible future of the relationship.

So what is a couple to do in this type of situation?

In my couple counselling practice I often see the partners for individual sessions interspersed with couple counselling sessions to enable the partners to each work on the issues that are raised for them as a result of their relationship’s dynamics and problems.  

I often advise the “surprised” partner to try to refrain from bombarding their spouse with questions about his/her intentions, especially if no clear and consistent answers are forthcoming. Of course, this often leads to heightened anxiety and frustration which is worked through in the individual counselling.

The “disclosing” partner’s ambivalence and confusion is worked through individually as well. Once some clarity has been reached the partner’s discuss their progress and the way forward in a couple sessions. A decision is then reached (ideally) regarding whether or not they wish to give their relationship another try. If they do they usually elect to continue with couple counselling, if not, I often recommend mediation, especially if children are involved and I provide names of suitably qualified mediators.

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples: Are there problems in your relationship?

If so, be wary if your partner suggests that you go alone to individual counselling.

I have found over the last twenty years of seeing couples in my psychology and mediation practice for relationship counselling, and also seeing individuals in therapy who are having relationship problems, that in some cases the person is there in my office because their spouse has suggested that it is a good idea that their partner attend individual therapy. This scenario invariably causes alarm bells to sound in my mind.

Why is this?

Sometimes a spouse would like, either consciously or unconsciously to have their partner accept the belief that their relationship problems are as a result of their partner’s psychological problems, such as their depression or anxiety. This then lets them off the hook in terms of responsibility for their problems as a couple.

 If the “ailing” partner accepts this diagnosis from their spouse and comes alone for therapy, they become what is known as “the identified patient”.

This is potentially a bad state of affairs for a couple of reasons. First – yes, the client may in fact be suffering from depression but this may be a result and not a cause of the problems that exist within the relationship. Or it is possible that the depression may be one of a number of issues that need to be addressed within the relationship.

Secondly, if only one of the couple come for therapy the opportunity is lost to work on the couples’ problems on a relationship level. The other partner’s opinions and personal interaction cannot be observed by the therapist who has to rely on the individual’s account of their relationship. This may cause the psychologist to misjudge the nature of the relationship.

For these reasons I advise couples who are having relationship problems to first see a couple therapist for an assessment before making a decision to attend further counselling. And if your spouse suggests that you go for counselling alone, make sure that you fully understand his or her motivation and motives!

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Relationships: Are you deciding on a mate for the happy ever after?

Then make sure that you are fully acquainted with his or her shadow side!

I see many unhappy individuals and couples on my psychology practice. Many have been in committed relationships for quite some time and communication and goodwill has broken down in the relationship to the extend that they may be on the verge of splitting up. Other people present at the beginning of a relationship, however, when they are trying to decide whether or not to take their relationship onto another level and/or to get married.

During the course of my couple counselling with people in distress, I invariably ask for the history of the relationship to date and I ask what characteristics attracted the partners to each other. Often clients recount how they were totally attracted to a prospective partner because of certain traits that they noticed in the other person, such as their sense of adventure, their sense of humour or the depth of their spirituality. Because of the mutual attraction to the perceived sterling qualities of the the partner, the relationship takes off and quickly becomes mutually satisfying and the individuals begin to develop strong bonds and feeling towards one another.

However at some stage it is likely that the partner’s more undesirably traits may begin to manifest. For example, a partner may become aware that their significant other may be lazy and untidy and disinclined to get off the couch over weekends. This type of situation can, of course, be brought into therapy in order to attempt to find a solution that would suit both parties. However, when it is discovered that a prospective spouse displays a trait or characteristic that is totally abhorrent to their partner because of his/her particular value system or firmly held goals, it is often difficult for the affected partner to let go of the relationship, even though they often know, in their heart of hearts, that long-term happiness and relationship satisfaction is highly unlikely due to a fundamental, non-negotiable, incompatibility.

So the take home message is – make sure that you know your partner very well before you commit for the long term. And ask yourself – can I live with all of his/her various traits, habits and hang-ups happily forever….?

 

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Children and Divorce Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: What initially attracted you to your partner?

And were these reasons the right ones (for the long-term)?

In my couple counselling and mediation practice I invariably ask couples what initially attracted them to each other.

I am often struck by their responses when I consider these against the backdrop of their current relationship and the problems that they are currently experiencing.

Why is this?

I note often that the aspects of the partner that initially attracted their mate becomes a major bone of contention in their ongoing relationship and that in many cases individuals get married for the same reason as they get divorced! For example, an easy-going, devil-may-care lover may turn into a spouse who is criticized for being irresponsible and “flighty”, a generous and fun-loving individual may later be seen by their spouse as lacking financial self-discipline and someone who fails to consider the long-term security of the family.

It has been said that we are often attracted to personal characteristics in our partner that we, ourselves, lack. So a tidy, conscientious individual may be attracted to someone who is untidy and unreliable – the attraction of opposites. This may work fine in the early stages of a relationship when sexual attraction is strong, but I have found, when listening to my couples’ narratives about the development of their relationship, that when they settle down into domestic life and children enter the picture, these initial differences can become hugely divisive. These types of differences often become major issues and the cause of repetitive, ongoing arguments that rarely get adequately resolved. Relationships become seriously strained in many cases and couples find that their communication becomes strained and intimacy invariably suffers as a result.

Are you aware of couples that you know who are experiencing this type of dynamic or perhaps it is alive and well in your own relationship? If so, what can be done?

Well, if you are still in the dating stage, or are looking for a prospective long-term partner, perhaps it may be a good idea to widen your criteria to include characteristics in a would-be partner that would serve you, and your family, well in the long-term such kindness, generosity of spirit and a good sense of humour. Also I suggest you look out for other aspects such as how the person deals with anger and conflict, their interpersonal skills, level of empathy for others (and animals). 

Also, if you have opposing views on crucial aspects, such as money and tidiness, for example, work out how you will confront these issues in a constructive way, going forward.

If you are in a well-established relationship, it may be a good idea to commit to respectful communication as away of resolving conflict. However, if you are caught in a negative, destructive communication dynamic, couple counselling could be considered in order to rehabilitate the relationship.

 

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Health and Happiness Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Anger and anger management: What anger can tell you about yourself and your relationship…

And why this is important.

 

What tends to make you really angry?

How do you behave when you get angry?

What happens between you and your partner when one of you gets really angry about something the other one did or didn’t do? How does the argument tend to proceed? Does anger escalate or can you both usually get to some agreement or resolution of the issue without there being an unpleasant scene?

 

Anger is, of course, a universal and necessary emotion. However, anger is also a unique experience as each of us will differ on what we get angry about and the way in which we express our anger.

We reveal a great deal about ourselves through our expression of anger and we invariably see another “side’ of our partner (and our friends and family) when we get the opportunity to witness the way in which they handle anger and conflict situations. I notice this time and again in my couple counselling sessions when partners are in unhappy and troubled relationships. Often a partner will report to me that they have been “turned off” by their spouse after witnessing how he/she behaves in a high conflict situation.  

Your anger will reveal to you (and to others) what issues you feel intensely passionate about. Anger tends to be triggered within an individual when there is an (often unconsciously) perception that their integrity has been challenged and/or deeply held convictions and values have been disrespected or undermined in some way.

In addition, the way in which a person handles their angry feelings has a significant impact on their relationships and also on their health. Individuals tend to fall into two groups: those who like to confront and deal with issues as they arise and the other group who tend to “bottle up” their anger and to avoid potential conflict situations.  I have found that individuals who are experiencing problems in their relationships usually often become more extreme in the way in which they habitually handle conflict.

Both approaches can thus be problematic, especially when goodwill, mutual understanding and respect have been eroded. Couples in this situation usually report that communication has become a serious problem in their relationship. 

What is the “take home message” here? I believe that we could all benefit by paying more attention to the role that anger plays in our lives – what makes us angry, how we express that anger, what impact our anger has on our relationships and whether or not work needs to be done (on either an individual or relationship level) to improve on anger management for the sake of  personal well-being and the important relationships in our lives.

 

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

“Dear future husband…” Beware of relationship myths and your unconscious expectations…!

In your relationship and in your marriage!

Whenever I hear Meghan Trainor’s new single “Dear Future Husband” I get reminded of think about the myths, beliefs and expectations individuals bring into their intimate relationships, usually unconsciously. These often get revealed in the course of  couple counselling sessions.

I do realise, of course, that the lyrics of the song are “tongue in cheek”! However, often I am surprised by the unquestioning beliefs individuals and couples hold about the nature of relationships in general, and about what they need to do in order to maintain a happy relationship and/or marriage.

You may ask why this matters? Well, unrealistic myths and beliefs about how relationships should be conducted inform  our expectations of our partner and of ourselves and when these are not realized a great deal of frustration and unhappiness is inevitable, usually leading to relationship problems.

For example, if you are your partner believes that “relationships that are meant to be should be effortless” (as stated by one of my clients during individual counselling – their partner refused to attend couple counselling for this reason!) then they will also believe (I would expect, though of course unconscious beliefs are not necessarily logically related) that if a relationship is not going well at any point that it is not meant to be!

Consider a verse from Ms Trainor’s song: “After every fight, just apologize, and maybe then I’ll try to rock your body right, Even if I was wrong, You know I;m never wrong, Why disagree? Why, why disagree?”

Of course, we will all probably chuckle at these lyrics! However, in my psychology practice, it would see many couples where one partner always calls the shots in the relationship. The reasons for this dynamic will differ for every couple. However, in my experience, it is very rarely the case that a relationship can happily survive such an unbalanced power balance in the long term (maybe this was possible in the “old days” but not anymore).

In my experience, if partners don’t routinely feel heard, acknowledged and respected in their relationship, this will violate their expectations of how a worthwhile relationship should operate, and the writing will be on the wall for the couple unless they wake up to the danger and take steps to change the dynamic without delay.

Have you explored your own unconscious beliefs and expectations regarding your own relationship?! This exercise could be an eye-opener!