Tag: couples counselling

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Life in General

Do you think your partner is narcissistic?

If so, chances are that your partner is male! And that you are extremely frustrated and unhappy!

In my experience of counselling couples, in many of my couples who report having tempestuous and high conflict relationships, one partner accuses the other of being narcissistic.

Why? Because the partner is accused on showing zero empathy, only considers their own needs and demonstrates a strong sense of entitlement without considering their partner’s feelings or needs.

Recent research which as involved a meta-analysis of 31 years of research on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder reports that they have found significant differences between males and females in this regard (across all age groups and multiple generations). Men have been found consistently to have higher incidences of narcissism and a sense of entitlement. This is bad news for the women who are in relationships with these men unfortunately!

Narcissistic personalities tend to be high in self-esteem (they tend to believe that they are perfect and do not need to change in any way), lack empathy for their partners (and anyone else) and are prone to unethical behaviour and to high levels of aggression. This combination of traits very rarely leads to happy relationships!

Narcissistic personalities rarely do well in couple counselling as these individuals invariably want to call the shots and want it all their own way. They tend to be unable, or unwilling, to see things from their partner’s point of view.

So is there any hope for partners who are involved in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist? Of course it depends on a number of factors such as the personality of the partner and whether or not they are prepared to adjust their expectations, their own attitude and their behaviour to accommodate their mate’s personality style. In my experience, someone with a dependent personality style is most likely to be prepared to accept a partner’s narcissism because they have low levels of self-esteem and a high need to be in a relationship.

More often than not, though, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder tend to develop a history of short, unstable relationships. They are also bad news as parents.

So the moral of this story is: Don’t be blinded by a date’s good looks and his charm (narcissists can be really charming)! Look beyond this to the other relationships he has and has had in his life!

 

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Does your partner sometimes drive you crazy?

With some behaviour that you can’t stand?

How likely is it that he/she will change?

 

Unhappy couples who see me for relationship counselling usually complain at length about their partner’s problematic behaviour.

Often, though, their partner is not convinced that their behaviour is a problem and hence they are unwilling to do the work required to bring about behaviour change.

How can we assess our partner’s readiness for change?

Ellen Bader, an international trainer of therapists in the specialist field  of couple counselling, has come up with an interesting way to determine a partner’s motivation for change. See the video at http://www.couplesinstitute.com/clutter-battle/

As Ellen discusses in her video, motivation is a complex issue and involves a number of components namely desire for change, evaluation of the likelihood of success divided by the degree of unwanted effort required as well as the degree of emotional risk.

It is important for the partner who is initiating the request for change to occur in their spouse to be open to their own emotional underpinnings for wanting the change to occur. The partner should also be encouraging and provide positive reinforcement in the form of acknowledgement and praise for signs of positive change.

I would welcome your comments on this model once you have given it a try!

 

 

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples take note! If you want to tie the knot…

There are certain things that predict a long and happy marriage.

Recent research cited in a blog post in Psyblog has identified four factors that are associated with long and happy marriages.

These are:

1. Fewer sexual partners before marriage, especially for women. Why? It is suggested that the more sexual experience one has, the greater one’s awareness of potentially greener pastures out there!

2. Committing to marriage before moving in together. This prevents “sliding” through relationship transitions without conscious decision and without ritual. Sliding can be dangerous to relationships as it tends to erode commitment.

3. Invite more than 150 guests to your wedding. This may prove expensive, but research findings indicate that big weddings tend to be associated with happier marriages on the long-term!

4. Waiting until after marriage to have children.

The research cited in this article states that only 3% of college educated couples who had children before marriage went on to have a good marriage!

 

I don’t know about you, but I found these findings to be thought-provoking and potentially really important for prospective spouses!

Reference:http://www.spring.org.uk/2014/08/new-study-affirms-4-very-old-fashioned-guidelines-for-a-good-marriage.php

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples and Relationships: Continually sniping at your partner?

Couples – recognize the danger signs in your relationships!

When unhappy couples arrive at my couples counselling and mediation psychology practice, they are often in the danger zone where things have become pretty bad between them so they have finally resorted to getting some help.

When I ask them about the history of their relationship, couples often mention that they have been sniping at each other regularly for quite some time, both when they are on their own and also in the company of friends and family. They usually report that that they didn’t regard their sarcastic comments and other types of put-downs as a serious problem at the time.

If this is happening in your relationship, take serious note! This behaviour pattern is an indication that there are deeper issues between you and your partner which are causing feelings of resentment and discontent, which if left unchallenged and unresolved can undermine the trust and commitment that you have towards one another and may ultimately lead to the demise of your relationship.

Therefore I advise that if sniping is an everyday occurence in your relationship that you address this effectively without delay!

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Beware of Self-diagnosis in your Relationship!

Communication is the key to happy relationships

When individuals and couples come to see me for counselling, they often already have a come up with a label to explain their problem. Sometimes it’s a diagnosis in respect of their partner, for example “I think our problems in our relationship are the result of his/her narcissistic personality disorder”.

Diagnosing one’s own ailments with the aid of the internet is always a risky undertaking, especially when it comes to mental health. However, in the realm of relationships it is even more problematic for a number of reasons.

A diagnosis inevitably relates to an individual only. You or your partner are regarded as “The Problem” because one of you is judged to has a “Disorder”. This puts the “blame” for the couple’s problems squarely in the lap of one of the spouses. The other one often feels that they are not implicated to any degree and are thus completely off the hook in terms of their responsibility to try to work at improving their relationship.

In this type of scenario, often the spouse who is given the disorder “label” comes to therapy alone, stating that if they were to be able to “fix” themselves, that the relationship problems would be solved.  Often, however, the main problem resides in the relationship itself, in the dynamics between the couple – their “relationship dance”, communication patterns and the way in which conflict is resolved.

 

In my opinion, a great opportunity is lost if an unhappy couple do not opt for couple counselling as a starting point, especially if their individual problems arise principally in their relationship with their significant other.

 

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Children and Divorce Life in General

Couples and Relationships: In Break-ups and Divorces…

If there are children involved – don’t forget to think about, and consider, their feelings!

Relationship breakdown is one of most emotionally challenging processes anyone can go through, as most people know only too well as most of us have experienced this first hand, often on a number of occasions in our lives!

The emotional pain can be so overwhelming that is difficult to focus on anything, or anyone, else. However, if children are involved their needs at this stage must be given top priority.

Parents are often very aware, and cognizant of this when they divorce. The Children’s Act of 2005 highlights the importance of prioritising, and considering the needs and views of the children when establishing a parenting plan for the care and contact of the children post-divorce.

However, in my experience in with couples in my pychology practice, in relationships where only one of the couple is the biological parent of the child(ren), the children’s feelings about losing an important attachment figure is often not recognised or acknowledged, especially if the couple have not been together for an extended period of time. Perhaps a couple are still in a process of dating and do not as yet feel a strong sense of commitment to one another. It may be assumed that the child(ren) have similarly also not bonded closely with their parent’s partner.

This may be a big mistake with possible dire emotional consequences for the children!

A child’s sense of trust is developed at a very young age and can be undermined significantly if they perceive that a carer in their lives has in explicably abandoned them. In addition they are likely to blame themselves for the break-up in the relationship if they aren’t provided with an honest (age appropriate) explanation for the planned departure of their parent’s partner from their lives.

I believe it is essential that they are infomed about what is happening (of course in a manner that is child-centred and developmentally appropriate). Even young children (from the ages of three or four) can be engaged in a conversation on the issue. Both adults should be present for the discussion (if possible). The departing partner should not leave the “duty” to the parent – they have a relationship with the child(ren) and therefore have a (moral) responsibility to break the news personally, as hard and painful as this may be!

For partners who are unsure as to how to go about this, especially when young children are involved, I recommend that you consult a professional who specialises in therapy with children.

Categories
Life in General

Couples and relationships: Love and Money (continued).

What can you do to stop arguments about money from ruining your relationship?

As I mentioned in a previous post, money is one of the major sources of conflict in relationships, as I have found in my psychology practice. Both in individual and in couples counselling money and financial issues come up again and again. I find that couples get extremely “stuck” in a negative cycle when they can’t see eye-to-eye when it comes to money.

Differences in how we view and use our money reveals a great deal about our priorities in life. If you are the sort of person who likes to save money and who invests for the future you are most likely to be someone who values security over instant gratification, looking at the long-term scenario rather than just the here-and-now. However, if you are someone who prioritises the good things in life and who lives in the moment, you are less likely to value saving over spending.

The trouble comes when you have clashing priorites in your relationship.

 

So what can you do if you and your partner are in this position?

 

If you have not yet fully committed to your relationship, it is vital that you explore this issue thoroughly before you get married and/or have children, in order to work out a strategy to deal with the potential problems that may arise in the future. Go into a great deal of detail during these discussions, where you sketch different future scenarios involving money and explore how you would resolve these in a constructive and amicable way. (Most of the couples that I see who are in long-term relationships tell me that, yes, they did talk about what they wanted out of their lives together at the start of their relationship but did not really explore their  discrepancies regarding core values and priorities in any depth).

 

For couples who are in long-term, established relationships, who are at loggerheads over financial issues, the principles of constructive communication and good anger management skills are critically important. As money tends to be such an emotive issue, couples need to ensure that they can stay calm and rational during “discussions” as once anger is allowed to escalate, there is little hope of a successful outcome as the couple will cease to really listen to, or acknowledge each other’s point of view, Couples need to be able to get to the point where they are able to empathize with their partner’s stance on an issue and accept that each person has an equal right to his/her opinion on an issue. 

This is often very difficult for couples to achieve, especially for couples who have relationships where communication has become a major problem. For these couples, I would recommend that they find an impartial third party who would be prepared to act as a mediator.

Couple counselling and/or coaching is, of course, also strongly recommended.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General

Couples and Relationships: Love or Money?

What role does money play in your relationship?

 

As I mentioned in my last post, I have found in my couple counselling practice that money is one of the “big four” issues for unhappy couples.

Why is money often such a major source of conflict?

My experience with my clients has really brought home to me that each of us has an individual relationship to money and finances and that money represents different things to different people.

We each develop our own relationship with money from a very young age and our views on financial matters are shaped by our experiences as we grow up (including the internalising of  our parents’ and other caregivers’ approaches to their finances) and our individual temperaments.

In addition, money tends to be a highly emotional issue to most of us as it represents security, power, status and freedom. It is not therefore surprising that couples grapple with money issues so often.

 

So if you and your partner have recurrent arguements about finances, what can you do?

 

I will discuss this question in my next post.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples and Relationships: The “Big Four” Relationship Problems.

And how to go about dealing with them!

In my experiece as a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples counselling and relationship problems, the main issues that bring couples into counselling and therapy are:

1. Poor communication

2. Money issues

3. Children and parenting problems

4. Conflict with in-laws and extended family

 

Poor communication is the number one problem for most of the couples that I see. Partners tend to complain that they can’t seem to “connect” with each other any longer and their communication is no longer an easy, comfortable aspect of their lives but seems fraught with misunderstandings, anomosity and disrespect. Intimacy tends, of course to go out the window when this type of pattern becomes the norm in a relationship.

 

So what can be done when a relationship reaches this stage?

 

In my experience when communication breaks down between a couple this is often not the cause of their problems but tends to be the result of an often insiduous relationship breakdown.

First a couple needs to acknowledge that their relationship is in trouble and to arrange to get some help. It is estimated that couples who are having problems tend to wait for six years on average before going for couples counselling (John Gottman’s research).

Couples should also prioritise their work to get their relationship back on track. This entails scheduling regular time to spend quality time together enjoying each other’s company – go out on dates!  When you are out together vow to NOT discuss serious and contentious issues – leave these for a weekly meeting where you sit down and have a more formal discussion. 

Don’t let arguments get out of hand. Agree with your partner that when either of you start to notice that emotions are running high that you stop the interaction, have a “time-out” and agree to resume the discussion when you are both calm. It is important, though, to always get back to an issue until it is resolved rather than “shoving it under the mat”.

Resolve, too, to always speak to each other in a respectful way and to never resort to being rude and hurtful.

 

After all, you profess to love this person!

 

In the next post I will talk about money issues in relationships.

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Psychology in practice

Couples and Singles: How high is your Couples’ EQ?

When it comes to relationships, are you any good at intimacy and emotional connection?

Valentine’s Day again! Perhaps this is a good moment to refect on how you are doing relationship-wise! Not only in your intimate relationship(s) but also in your relationships with all the other people in your life.

According to an article in the most recent edition of “Psychotherapy Networker”, there are two essential skill sets involved in keeping our relationships on track. These are distress tolerance and the ability to self-soothe in times of conflict, and emotional accessibility.

In my couple counselling practice I have found that being caught in a negative cycle of negativity and escalating conflict is one of the main characteristic of unhappy relationships. Couples who are at this stage of their relationship usually find it impossible to get out of this cycle without some type of professional help. John Gottmann calls this the “Roach Motel” phenomenon.

So what is involved in these two essential skills sets?

Distress tolerance and the ability to self-soothe concerns how well we are able to stay calm “under fire” – not to get angry and defensive in the face of anger and criticism from one’s partner, but to stay in a receptive and empathic state. Of couse is is very difficult and requires a great deal of practise for most of us! 

Emotional Accessibility is about being able to stay emotionally engaged with one’s partner, even when one is in the middle of an arguement. It is not easy to stay emotionally present in a conflict situation as we all know! (individuals characeristically either go into anger or withdrawal mode. Both styles only serve to intensify the conflict and will cause a relationship to deteriorate if the pattern continues over time).

 

According to research findings in neuroscience, once new, healthy relationship styles have been developed these have to be practised consistently over time in order to make the new pattern your “default” by rewiring the brain. 

 

The good news, though, is that effective relationship skills can be learned!

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

References: The Great Deception. Brent Atkinson in Psychotherapy Networker, January/February 2014.

John Gottmann and Nan Silver (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal.