Tag: couples counselling

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Life in General Relationship Building

Couples: What is the key to a happy and fulfilling relationship?

I believe it involves being emotionally tuned in to your partner! And of course it needs to go both ways!

Unfortunately, being able to tune in to one’s partner doesn’t always come naturally and easily, except during the early, heady days of the relationships when you are both madly in love!

This becomes particularly difficult when partners are at loggerheads over entrenched issues and goodwill between the couple has eroded away over time. The way in which couples communicate with each other is often a yardstick of relationship health and the depth of intimacy the couple enjoy. If couples are emotionally attuned they tend to have high levels of intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

So how do you go about becoming more emotionally attuned to your partner?

It all boils down to empathy!

I will talk more about empathy in future posts.

 

 

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Life in General

Couples and relationships: Can you change your relationship from a war zone into a supportive haven?

If so, how?

As I mentioned in my previous post, many unhappy couples who arrive at my psychology practice are caught up in a destructive cycle of anger and resentment. They are often on the verge of “calling it quits” because their relationship has become so overwhelmingly negative.

First couples need to accept that recovery from such a low point in a relationship requires strong motivation and commitment to change from both partners. (Partners often blame each other for the demise of their relationship and believe that if only their spouse were to accept that they are at “fault” and should therefore change, that the relationship would miraculously improve. This is a fallacy, of course, as only by changing ourselves in positive ways, such as becoming more self-aware, tolerant and respectful with our partner can we hope to transform our relationships.)

Turning your relationship around is invariably not easy to achieve as long-standing habits and cycles are hard to break and  we tend to function largely on “automatic pilot”, especially when it comes to our relationships. Our brains are wired to detect threat, according to neurobiologists such as Dan Siegel, so if your partner raises his or her voice, for example, you may respond in a reactive “knee-jerk” manner (because your “fight-or’flight” response has been activated in the primitive part of your brain) by saying something hurtful or discounting, which would probably lead to a nasty interchange, or a “negative relationship dance”, which would further undermine your feelings of safety and trust in your relationship.

So, according to the neurobiologists, positive change starts with each of us (with you!). We need to take responsibility for our own contribution to our relationships, and if we would like to improve them, we need to become more receptive to others (rather than reactive). When we are in a receptive state of mind, according to Dr. Siegel, we are in a frame of mind characterised by curiosity, openness and acceptance when it comes to our partner. We are in a higher-order brain mode, where we can think in a flexible way and where we are capable of being empathic and compassionate.

Of course, this state of mind is not easy to achieve. The stresses and strains of life, coupled with our formative relationships in childhood (our attachment history) and the cultural “messages” about ourselves and our relationships that we absorb automatically throughout our lives influence how skilled we are in self-understanding and self-control and in our general emotional intelligence (EQ). However, the good news is that each of us has the ability to improve in all these areas at any age. I have witnessed many “a-ha” moments in my couple counselling with partners who have managed to turn their relationships around by taking the above insights on board.

References: Mindsight by Dr Daniel Siegel; Loving with the Brain in Mind by Mona DeKoven Fishbane

 

 

 

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Life in General

Couples: Does your relationship resemble a war zone?

If so, what can you do about it?

Often couples who come to see me for relationship counselling have got to the point where they are arguing and fighting all the time – about anything and everything. They have become “conflict habituated”, as we call it in psychology-speak.

Why do couples get this way and what can they do to regain the health of their relationship?

Of course every relationship is unique. However, there are some common patterns and issues that characterise unhappy relationships. John Gottman, the relationship guru refers to this stage and state of a relationship as the “roach motel”! When couples have reached this stage of disharmony,(he notes from his forty years of research into the nature of relationships), it is very hard to recover as couples are in an unconscious negative spiral, where each fight pushes the couple on step further towards ultimate relationship distruction.

What can cause couples to reach such a low point in their relationships?

Often there has been a major disillusionment at some stage in the history of the couple. This inevitably leads to a major breach of trust. Examples would include events where one partner feels seriously let down, unsupported or even betrayed by their spouse, such as in cases of infidelity. If this type of issue is not worked through by the couple, to the point where closure can be achieved, trust cannot be rebuilt and the relationship gets stuck in a negative loop.

In other couples, the relationship bond did not have a good start. For example, individuals decide to move in together very early in their relationship due to practical reasons, or a couple may get pregnant a month or so in to their relationship and decide to stay together because of the baby. Such couples are thus often embarking on a life together without really being sure whether or not they are compatable and even whether they actually like and respect one another!

I will discuss this topic further in my next post…

 

 

 

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Life in General Mindfulness Psychology in practice Relationship Building

Brains, minds and relationships: the good news is that our brains are wired for relationships!

Over the weekend I attended a wonderfully stimulating and informative workshop by the American expert in the field of interpersonal neurobiologyy, Dr Daniel Siegel. I had read a number of his books which I have found extremely relevant to my clinical work as a psychologist in the field of health and positive psychology. I was, however, quite bowled over by his one day presentation of his concept of “Mindsight”.

Mindsight refers to our ability to become aware of our awareness and our ability to be present with ourselves and with one another in our relationships. Dr Siegel has developed a mindfulness technique called “The Wheel of Awareness” to help anyone who wishes to deepen and stengthen their ability to relate and connect with themselves and with others. This is a hugely worthwhile practice as it underpins both social and emotional intelligence and hence our success in relating to our nearest and dearest but also with people in a variety of social situations, including the workplace.

Dr Siegel defines the human mnd as “the emergent self-organising embodied and relational process that regulates the energy flow within and between us”. This may seem to be pretty complex, and it is of course, however, what is interesting from a relationship point of view is that our brains are wired for relationships with other people, for being able to empathise and resonate with the emotions of others. We are therefore “built” for being in relationship with others and from an early age our attachment with significant others in our lives builds up neural circuits for interpersonal relationships.

How I see the implications of Dr Siegel’s cocept of Mindsight for relationships and for couple counselling:

* We each have the potential to relate meaningfully with others as our minds are designed for relationships. However, if we as individuals are not self-aware and in a state of inner harmony, we will probably find it difficult to access the parts of our mind which allow us to empathise with our partner. This begs the question: Can we maintain good relationships if we as individuals are in a bad space and/or we are functioning largely on auto-pilot?

* Sometimes our early experiences as a child with our primary attachment figures are less than optimal and may negatively affect our ability to develop deep and meaningful relationships. If you think that this may be the case and you are finding that your relationships are suffering as a result, the optimistic message is that it is possible to make positive changes to your brain through mindfulness training, meditation and psychotherapy and by doing so, you could in all likelihood improve your ability to relate meaningfully in all areas of your life.

Reference: Mindsight; Transform your brain with the new science of kindness. Daniel Siegel.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples and relationships: How best to cope with a mother (daughter) – in law – from hell?

In my psychology practice I have many clients and couples where in-laws play a big role in the relationship – often in a very bad way! In many cases the in-laws, and usually predominantly the mother-in-law, is a major source of relationship conflict and numerous fights between the couple that recur time after time because nothing in the dynamic ever changes!

In fact I have seen a number of couples for couples counselling who tell me that their relationship is on the rocks, largely due to issues and differences of opinion about one or both sets of parents. And of course, in many cases, the in-laws appear to be far from blameless in the whole saga!

Sometimes it is a case of a mom-in-law not wanting to let go of her number one place in her child’s (usually her son’s) life, and then there are clients who are in their own marriage or intimate relationship yet still seem to be so enmeshed in the lives of their parents, and vice versa, to the degree that they seem unable to put their spouse’s needs, and the needs of their own relationship, first.

With other clients who are in couple counselling with me, one partner might complain that he/she feels caught in the middle in the war between their spouse andhis/her parents and doesn’t know which way to jump to avoid the fallout!

All in all, this type of dynamic can, and usually does, play havoc on any relationship!

So the question is – what can be done?

I will explore this question further in my next post…

 

Your comments and suggestions would be welcome!

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Talking Points in Psychology and Psychotherapy

A Week in my Psychologist’s Chair

Reflections on all things Psychological in my Cape Town Psychology and Mediation Practice

 

I thought readers may be interested in getting  glimpse each week on the issues/problems that have been the focus of my attention in my psychology practice over the last week or so and my insight/suggestions/advice in this regard.

 

I will group these under various headings.

 

Couples/Relationships/Marriage

 

Most clients who come to see me are doing so because of relationship difficulties. They either come along alone (either because they elect to do so because they want to discuss their issues privately, or more commonly, their partner is resistant to coming for therapy).

 

The themes that have come out strongly this last week are:

  • To make a success of a marriage both your hearts should be fully on board.  Make sure you are committing to your relationship for the right reasons. For example, clients report that they decided to get married because a lease ran out on one of the partner’s accommodation and another one agreed to tie the knot because his/her partner was about to leave the country. These reasons might be regarded as practical at the time, but are ultimately poor reasons for getting together. If both partners aren’t equally psychologically and emotionally ready to enter into a permanent relationship, problems are likely to occur down the line.
  • Mutual trust is the glue that keeps healthy relationships strong. If trust breaks down, poor communication, conflict and a loss of intimacy are often the inevitable result. 
  • To improve your relationship you will need to spend mutually enjoyable one-on-one time together. During these times it is important to leave your problems behind and talk about “fun” topics, as if you are going out on “real”  date.

 

Stress and Burnout

 

I have become very aware this week of the “silent”  load that many individuals carry on a daily basis:  having too much on their plates at any one time –  feeling  overwhelmed by pressure to perform  both at home and at work. Often this can lead to extreme stress, causing insomnia, headaches and the like. When this situation goes on for quite some time, individuals often start to feel helpless to bring about any positive change and this can lead to high levels of anxiety and depression.

What can be done about this?

It is important to analyse the situation in terms of what and where changes can be made. Some things can’t be changed and the challenge with these it to find ways to adapt by choosing to view the situation in a different way. However, sometimes we give up too soon when positive change is actually possible. It pays, therefore, to have someone who can provide objective guidance and support should you wish to change your life in a positive direction.

 

I would appreciate your comments!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Relationship Myth no. 2: Secrets Maintain a Good Relationship

Do you need to keep secrets from your partner to hold on to your individuality?

10 March 2013

11:11 AM

I would go as far as to say that communication is the life blood of any health relationship. There are exceptions of course, but then aren’t there exceptions to most things?!

 

So what do you say to a partner who tells you that sharing details of their life will cause him/her to lose him?herself as an individual?

 

I agree that it is crucial for individuals to retain their uniqueness and their sense of themselves when they are a member of a couple.

 

 I see so many unhappy clients who tell me that they hardly remember who they once were once they have been in a relationship for some time where they have changed the way they behave and react in fundamental ways in order to satisfy the demands of their partner.  If this makes that person miserable or depressed, I believe that the price of this type of  compromise is (perhaps unacceptably) high.

 

However, this type of issue  is not the topic of this particular post.

 

I am referring to couples who are essentially happy but who believe that, in order to stay that way, that they should keep a large portion of themselves private and in this way the relationship will maintain its mystery and excitement.

 

I believe this to be a myth as relationships cannot develop and deepen without the partners getting to know the person with whom they are sharing their lives. In my view this is the only way in which really intimacy and emotional attunement can be established, which is the bedrock of any fulfilling relationship.

 

This does not mean, of course, that partners should feel obliged to reveal every last detail of their lives (both past and present) to their significant other. This is a matter of individual choice, to be made in consultation with one’s partner. What I am referring to is healthy ongoing communication between partners about themselves, their relationship, their  everyday lives and their hope and dreams for the future. 

 

I would appreciate your comments…   

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Couples: Beware of making a Big Mistake in your Relationship!

Couples: Can your relationship survive a major breach of trust?

 

In my cinical psychology and mediation practice I see many couples who present for counselling because  their relationship is reeling under the impact of a perceived betrayal, such as infidelity or a failure on the part of one of the partners to ‘be there’ for their spouse when they have been going through some major (often traumatic) life event, such as a death of a family member or other significant loss, such as their health or their job.

 

The event or situation in question may not be perceived by the other person as  ‘a big deal’  for a number of reasons, such as a lack of empathy,( which is often due to the couple being ‘out of step’ with each other emotionally) and hence to poor and misleading communication patterns.

 

Strong relationships are built on a foundation of trust and the knowledge that one’s spouse will always have your back, no matter what happens. Dr Sue Johnson,  the founder of Emotion-focused Therapy (EFT) for couples states that this is a fundamental need that individuals have when they are involved in a committed relationship). So when a breach of trust occurs the relationship is seriously undermined.

 

Many couples make the mistake of pushing such events ‘under the carpet’ and endeavouring to move on with their lives without getting to grips with the issues involved, not realising that there is now a major ‘crack’ in the foundation of their relationship, which is unlikely to heal with time. (In fact, in many cases, couples will come in to see me years after the breach occurred, when some other issue serves to uncover the original ‘breach’, which is as emotionally devastating as it ever was (sometimes even more so because it has caused more damage over time because the failure to address it has been perceived as a secondary breach of trust). 

 

 

The fundamental question is:

 

Can a relationship recover from such serious breaches of trust? And if so, how can this be achieved?

 

I will discuss some possible answers to these questions in my next post. 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: How does your relationship rate on intimacy?

Intimacy is the cornerstone of any significant relationship. When we are in love and our relationships are new, intimacy is usually at an all-time high. Couples in love tend to spend hours talking to each other about all aspects of their lives, communication seems effortless and relationships, as a result, feel deeply satisfying.

Unfortunately, though, over time, real intimacy often becomes a casualty of our hectic lives. In my work with couples I hear time and again how the responsibilities of children, careers and paying the rent become the central focus of a couple’s life and before they know it they have lost touch with each other – as John Gottman would put it – the couple are no longer “emotionally attuned” to each other.

Why is intimacy so important in a relationship?

A decline in intimacy is potentially dangerous for the well-being of the relationships as it can set the stage for misunderstandings to occur, empathy becomes more difficult to achieve which may cause partners to begin to criticise and to judge each other, leading to a further deterioration in the relationship.

Rate the level of intimacy in your relationship:

According to the author David Wexler, there are four dimensions or “pillars” of intimacy which include:

Emotional security and safety
•    Freedom from physical violence
•    Freedom from threats of infidelity
•    Freedom from threats of abandonment
•    Freedom from humiliation or emotional abuse
•    Trust in maintaining privacy and confidentiality

Personal Knowledge and Emotional Intimacy
•    Knowing the details of the other person’s everyday life and history
•    Recognizing the personal vulnerabilities of the other person
•    Knowing what is genuinely meaningful and rewarding to the other person

Expressions of Affection
 •    Genuine communication that “I like you”
•    Everyday expression of physical affection
•    Everyday expression of verbal affection
•    Playfulness and humour together
•    Shared meaningful and rewarding activities

Sex and Passion
•    Compatibility of sexual drive and sexual behaviours
•    Deeply connecting sexual experiences
•    Consistent personal attraction
Reference: Wexler, David B. Men in Therapy. New Approaches for Effective Treatment. Norton

How can you re-establish intimacy with your partner once it has been eroded or lost?

This will be the subject of my next post.

Categories
Life in General

When Anger Management meets Couple Counselling: Are anger and conflict ruining your relationship?

And if so, where, or with whom, does the problem lie?

Do either of you need individual therapy or should you both go for couples counselling?

 

In my psychotherapy practice, from time to time, I get enquiries from prospective clients about whether or not a particular problem should be dealt with in individual or in couple counselling.

Examples of problems where this type of uncertainty often occurs include self-esteem issues, jealously, trust/mistrust and anger. Because these types of problems aren’t usually evident when a person is single and will only seem to arise in the context of a significant relationship, clients are often unsure as to whether they, thier partner or their relationship should be the focus of the counselling or therapy.

I will select anger as an example.

When relationships are in trouble, there is usually, of course, a great deal of unhappiness and often high levels of conflict and anger. Effective communication is often an early casualty – in our first session couples invariably complain that they no longer enjoy an open, trusting and mutually satisfying communication pattern.

This leads in many cases to high levels of frustration and hurt feelings which are conveyed usually through overt anger or withdrawal.(John Gottman calls these response patterns the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”- criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling and maintains that the existence of these patterns, particularly contempt, are warning signs that a relationship is in a potentially catastrophic negative spiral).

When anger becomes a problem in a relationship (in the absence, of course, of any type of ongoing physical or sexual abuse) I believe a good rule of thumb is for both partners to come along for couple counselling. Why do I say this?

1. Even if one partner in a couple has more problems in the way in which he/she communicates their frustration and anger, “it takes two to tango” – the other partner is also locked into a particular pattern of response, which they need also to understand and ultimately to change. Both partners need to appreciate, and take ownership of, their own contribution to the maintenance of the problem.

2. Often, in a couple counselling situation, each partner blames the other for the anger that gets expressed in the relationship. If one of the partners accepts the “blame” for the problem and comes along for individual therapy, there is a high likelihood that the partner who presents for therapy is regarded by them both as the dysfunctional “identified patient”, the partner gets let off scott-free and sees no need to change his/her response patterns and the opportunity to work on the underlying relationship issues is lost. This situation can have dire consequences for the future of the relationship.

3. Should the couple counsellor feel that one or both of the partners would also benefit from some individual counselling for anger management, this could be incorporated into the couple counselling programme or the counsellor or therapist could elect to refer one or both of the partners to other psychologists for individual therapy.

 

Reference: Gottman, J. and Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon and Schuster.