If so, how?
As I mentioned in my previous post, many unhappy couples who arrive at my psychology practice are caught up in a destructive cycle of anger and resentment. They are often on the verge of “calling it quits” because their relationship has become so overwhelmingly negative.
First couples need to accept that recovery from such a low point in a relationship requires strong motivation and commitment to change from both partners. (Partners often blame each other for the demise of their relationship and believe that if only their spouse were to accept that they are at “fault” and should therefore change, that the relationship would miraculously improve. This is a fallacy, of course, as only by changing ourselves in positive ways, such as becoming more self-aware, tolerant and respectful with our partner can we hope to transform our relationships.)
Turning your relationship around is invariably not easy to achieve as long-standing habits and cycles are hard to break and we tend to function largely on “automatic pilot”, especially when it comes to our relationships. Our brains are wired to detect threat, according to neurobiologists such as Dan Siegel, so if your partner raises his or her voice, for example, you may respond in a reactive “knee-jerk” manner (because your “fight-or’flight” response has been activated in the primitive part of your brain) by saying something hurtful or discounting, which would probably lead to a nasty interchange, or a “negative relationship dance”, which would further undermine your feelings of safety and trust in your relationship.
So, according to the neurobiologists, positive change starts with each of us (with you!). We need to take responsibility for our own contribution to our relationships, and if we would like to improve them, we need to become more receptive to others (rather than reactive). When we are in a receptive state of mind, according to Dr. Siegel, we are in a frame of mind characterised by curiosity, openness and acceptance when it comes to our partner. We are in a higher-order brain mode, where we can think in a flexible way and where we are capable of being empathic and compassionate.
Of course, this state of mind is not easy to achieve. The stresses and strains of life, coupled with our formative relationships in childhood (our attachment history) and the cultural “messages” about ourselves and our relationships that we absorb automatically throughout our lives influence how skilled we are in self-understanding and self-control and in our general emotional intelligence (EQ). However, the good news is that each of us has the ability to improve in all these areas at any age. I have witnessed many “a-ha” moments in my couple counselling with partners who have managed to turn their relationships around by taking the above insights on board.
References: Mindsight by Dr Daniel Siegel; Loving with the Brain in Mind by Mona DeKoven Fishbane