Tag: couples counselling

Categories
Life in General Relationship Building

Couples and Relationships: How do you make the decision to commit (to your partner)?

Relationship commitment – how does the process work?

Over the last few weeks I have had a number of couples coming to my psychology practice for relationship counselling, stating that their problems centre around relationship commitment, where one or both partners are ambivalent or confused about where they want their relationship to go (if anywhere!).

One, or sometimes both, members of the couple report that they are unsure about either:

a) whether their current partner is the person they ultimately want to marry.

and/or

b) whether they actually really want to enter into a lasting and binding commitment with anybody.

Most of the couples who find themselves in this situation are not in their teens or twenties, but are usually in their early to late thirties. They see their friends getting married and having babies, and they often report that they feel that they are out of step with their friends, and that their families are often putting on the pressure (sometimes in less than subtle ways) for their offspring to get marriage and to produce some grandchildren.

Invariably, when I talk at length with these couples, I get a sense that they  feel “stuck” , to the extent that they can’t even enjoy their day to day lives together because of the presence of this “elephant in the room”. If one partner is not ambivalent and is ready to commit, this can cause immense feelings of frustration and there is also a great deal of ambivalence. In this case the ambivalence is around whether or not to hang in with their partner to wait for him/her to come to a decision, and how long they should hang in there before moving on with their lives. This question becomes even more pressing when one of the partners is also aware that their biological clock is ticking inexorably, and that the possibility of future parenthood is also hanging in the balance.

Categories
Life in General Psychology in practice Relationship Building

In children, teenagers, adults and couples: why is validation of the self so important in our lives?

What do we mean by validation and why is it so important?

Last week I attended a training workshop on the topic of self-injury.

It was stated that in many cases of self-injury there is a history of some form of abuse. However, another factor which is seriously damaging to the (developing) psyche is invalidation where parents and other caregivers fail to acknowledge their children, punish, demean or embarrass them repeatedly for their behaviour or fail to believe them when the child reports a serious concern such as bullying or sexual abuse.

A sense of being valued for our uniqueness is essential for healthy psychological development and for a sense of psychological coherence and wellbeing.

As parents, friends and lovers we need to remember this. I believe that if each of us could commit to treating all our significant others (and also our acquaintances) with respect and a non-judgemental attitude (even though the latter can often be extremely difficult!), we could not only build up the self-esteem of those who matter the most to us in our lives, but we could also greatly improve the quality of all our relationships!

Of course, this is easier said than done, and a great deal of what I do in therapy with individuals and couples is coaching in the necessary skills to become validating and also self-validating!

Categories
Life in General

Couples: How portable is your relationship?

I have seen a number of distressed couples in my practice recently. Often, unfortunately, the prognosis is not optimistic as couples tend to wait too long before coming for help. Research has found that unhappy couples wait on average six years before finally  opting for couples’  therapy  I many cases by this stage at least one partner is already (privately) deciding that there is no hope of repair and is at the point of deciding to leave the relationship.

However, turning to the subject of portability.  Recently I have had two couples who have related to me how there relationship changed radically when they relocated. The relationships tended to deteriorate in a new city when the social support situation changed – in one case the one partner no longer had a friendship and family network in the new city with the consequence that additional demands were placed on the partner, who in turn felt overwhelmed and unable to cope.

In the example of the second couple, when the pair relocated they moved to the city where her parents lived. The partner could not cope with constantly being around his spouse’s friends and family, whom he disliked. The resultant arguments and negativity caused the relationship to deteriorate to the point where the couple were seriously contemplating divorce.

So the take home message is  – If you and your partner are considering relocating to another part of the world, consider carefully how the change could impact on your relationship. Think about the support systems that keep your relationship stable and plan for how you will go about developing new contacts and sources of support. This is especially important if you have small children and/or either partner suffers from anxiety, depression or other type of psychological problem.

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

The Psychology of Couples Counselling: Are you sure that you and your partner are on the same page?

You and your partner have both decided that couple counselling would be a good idea, but first, are you certain that you agree on what is wrong?

Couples who arrive for couple counselling often say that they are here to “work on their relationship” or to “improve their communication”.

Often, though, each one arrives with the (often unconscious) intention of proving that they are right and that their partner is wrong and they try (hard) to convince the therapist that this is the case and to get the psychotherapist to see things from their point of view. Each person believes that if only their partner would change, then all will be perfect between them (as it was at the beginning of the relationship)!

When this is the case, it is important that each partner take on board that change needs to come from both individuals and both need to learn some sound relationship skills in order to get the relationship back on track.

 

In the next post I will write about hidden agendas relating to the goal of couple counselling – for example, when one partner wants to work on the relationship whilst their spouse is (sometimes privately) considering opting out.

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Practice good relationship hygiene to safeguard your relationship for the long haul!

In my couples and relationship counselling I see many partners who are out of sinc with each other. Some are at the point where their relationship has become a war zone!

I often ponder about how some relationships, which start out with some much love and caring, manage to deteriorate over time.

Of course, a number of researchers, such as Dr John Gottman, have looked into

this question in depth. Over forty years he has studied the dynamics of couples and relationships and has discovered that

happy couples work hard at understanding one another, and that they build up a mutual sense of safety and trust.

What is also vitally important is how couples deal with conflict. Happy couples tend to argue constructively. They do not let

their differences of opinion get to the stage where their arguements begin to erode the goodwill between them – they unconsciously (and consciously) “repair negativity” during conflict situations.

How does a couple successfully do this?

It is useful to, for example, have regular “meetings” with your partner (ideally on a weekly basis) where each of you gets a chance to air any problems or concerns (in connection with your partner and/or your relationship) that may have come up for you. Each person is given a chance to discuss what is on their mind. It is vital, though, thatyou both practice good “emotional attunement ” (Gottman, 2011) during these meetings – that you each listen to each other’s points of view in an open, accepting and non-judgemental manner (this is often very difficult!).  These meetings should be scheduled at times when you are both relaxed – such as at the weekend. We suggest that you find a 60 to 90 minute time slot where you can have have each others’undivided attention, with no outside distractions.

In this way you can often pre-empt and diffuse areas of potential conflict before they can snowball into dangerous, and potentially relationship damaging confrontations.

Categories
Life in General Relationship Building

Couples: What does “working on your relationship” actually mean?

Very few of us (who have not been totally cut off from civilisation and Dr Phil) who are in relationships have not taken on board that in order for us to live  “happily ever after”, a certain amount of ongoing work needs to be done on the relationship.

However, it is often far from clear what this actually entails!

I have seen many unhappy and disenchanted couples who arrive on my doorstep when their relationship is already on life support. How did they get to be this way, I wonder? What happened over the years to totally change the way they now see each other – as adversaries rather than lovers?

So what can couples do to prevent this decline?

Looking after our relationships is quite similar, it seems, to taking care of our finances.

I will use the analogy of the monthly budget. Some individuals, as soon as they get their monthly pay cheque, will spend it as soon as it hits their bank account, while other more mindful and careful spenders, will make sure that they have sufficient money for the month, being constantly aware of how long it will be before the coffers are replenished, and they will never allow themselves to reach the point where their account is bone dry! They will also regularly invest a certain proportion for a rainy day and for their retirement.

How does this relate to couples? Emotional goodwill in relationships is similar to currency. When partners consistently demonstrate to each other that they have their spouses’ back – that they are there for each other emotionally in times of need.  John Gottman speaks of the “emotional bank account” in a relationship.

Therefore, from this perspective, to “work on your relationship”, couples need to take the time to really understand what makes their partner “tick” as accurate empathy for your partner is only really possible if you truely know, and “get” your partner.

When you consistently show this support and caring, the goodwill balance in your relationship account will remain in significantly

in the black.

And when inevitable problems and arguements arise between you both, you will be in a much better position to weather the storm ( and economic recessions) with your relationship intact!

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Couples – revitalise your relationship this spring by coming for some relationship coaching!

Now that spring has arrived, we all tend to think about getting our bodies into shape and some of us even get motivated to do

a bit of spring cleaning!

At this time of year we often start to feel a personal sense of renewed optimism and purpose  – however, it is important not to overlook your relationship when doing your general overhaul – does it need a breathe of fresh air too?!

How can you accurately judge the current health of your relationship? (unfortunately we can often be in denial about this important issue).

Ask yourself (and your partner) the following questions:

* How good is your communication currently – can you talk openly and from the heart about yourself and your feelings to your partner?

* Are you caring, supportive and non-judgemental with each other?

* Can you have constructive arguements without resorting to criticism, avoidance and name-calling?

* Are you on the same wave-length emotionally?

* Do you enjoy each other’s company and do you regularly have fun together?

If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, it is probably a good time to get a relationship tune-up!

 

During September we are offering a special 4  ninety minute session package for couples in Wynberg, Cape Town

Feel free to Contact us for more information!

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Relationship Counselling. Couples: Do you understand the owner’s manual on your partner?

I bought a new printer the other day. The owner’s manual that accompanied it was so thick and dense that there was not a chance that I would even try to understand it. Luckily I had a more techno-savy friend who managed to set it up for me and now I only have to press various buttons and wondrous things happen, like scanning and faxing.

But if understanding a new appliance is hard, getting to know the inner workings of your intimate partner is in a different league altogether! However, if you don’t work on it, your relationship will probably deteriorate very quickly.

It is all about empathy and emotional attunement! John Gottman talks about understanding your partner’s love-maps, whilst the authors of “Love and War in Intimate Relationships”, Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin refer to the idea of an owner’s manual for your partner.  In this book, they mention some important questions you need to ask yourself in order to test your understanding of your spouse – for example:

* What three things can you say or do to make your spouse feel good?

* What three vulnerable areas does your partner have (that have probably been present since childhood)?

When your partner is challenged on one of this issues or is inadvertently triggered during an arguement, he/she will probably react extremely negatively.

* What is the most effective way to calm your partner down when he/she is upset?

* What are guaranteed ways of making him/her happy or excited?

* What can you do to bring a smile to his/her face?

If you are unsure about the answers to some of these questions, perhaps it would be a good idea to schedule some quality time alone with your partner (away from the kids and the other responsibilities of life) to get onto the same emotional wavelength and to begin to fill in the gaps in your Owner’s Manual!

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Couple Counselling: Pointers for Improving your Relationship: What happy couples can teach us about successful relationships

What are the secrets to a happy long-term relationship?

Because couples counselling is a special area of interest for me, I was especially

excited and intrigued to read  John Gottman’s new book “The Science of Trust”.

His research into the ingredients that make successful relationships has spanned over 40 years and makes fascinating reading.

He has found that happy couples tend to continually spend time and effort getting to know each other (they build “love maps” in which they get to know the inner workings of their partners mind, what matters to him/her, and knowledge about their loved one’s dreams and aspirations.

Happy couples tend to show fondness, respect and admiration for their partner,

they tend to habitually focus on their partners good points and strengths rather than on their weak points or perceived personality flaws).

In successful relationships, couples also tend to acknowledge the efforts made by their spouse to be helpful and emotionally available. This is termed “turning towards” the other by Dr Gottman. He states that

these three aspects create the first tiers of a “Sound Relationship House” for a happy and fulfilling relationship.

In a future post I will talk about Dr Gottman’s exploration of  the crucial role that trust plays in

intimate relationships.

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Understanding yourself – using your anxiety as a signpost.

What are you worried about and what makes you anxious?

Your anxiety can point the way to constructive change in your life and in your relationships

In my psychology practice I see many clients who struggle with anxiety and chronic worry. They are often so preoccupied by their anxiety that they feel their lives have become limited, self-involved and essentially unsatisfying.

Most people just want to stop worrying and feeling anxious – that is understandable and a worthwhile short-term goal. However, the nature of their anxiety can point the way to understanding what is important to that particular individual, and this is important to understand if we are wishing to achieve a more holistic, long-term solution to their problems and issues.

For example, I had a client recently who was extremely anxious because of a perceived failure of sexual performance, specifically premature ejaculation. During our first session it became clear that he was placing so much pressure on himself  to perform because the relationship with his partner was extremely important to him. He was actually trying desperately hard to please her – but in a way that was having the opposite effect – he was getting more and more anxious and she was feeling “turned off”.

So the anxiety which brought my client into treatment highlighted the importance of addressing the relationship issues – and for that reason I recommended couple counselling to my client – so that he could get his partner on board to support his treatment for his anxiety and sexual performance concerns but also to understand how his partner was experiencing the problem, what she felt she needed from him in terms of their relationship, and to improve their communication, and ultimately, their relationship.

It was also revealed, as therapy progressed, that there were deep roots to my client’s anxiety. Since childhood he had been suffering from low self-esteem – he had had a stutter and, as a result, was teased mercilessly by other children at school. He became avoidant and extremely distrustful of people in general. These effects were still evident in his current life.

So my client’s presenting anxiety provided the both the impetus for treatment and also led, like a paper-trail, to the underlying  problems and issues in his life.