I bought a new printer the other day. The owner’s manual that accompanied it was so thick and dense that there was not a chance that I would even try to understand it. Luckily I had a more techno-savy friend who managed to set it up for me and now I only have to press various buttons and wondrous things happen, like scanning and faxing.
But if understanding a new appliance is hard, getting to know the inner workings of your intimate partner is in a different league altogether! However, if you don’t work on it, your relationship will probably deteriorate very quickly.
It is all about empathy and emotional attunement! John Gottman talks about understanding your partner’s love-maps, whilst the authors of “Love and War in Intimate Relationships”, Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin refer to the idea of an owner’s manual for your partner. In this book, they mention some important questions you need to ask yourself in order to test your understanding of your spouse – for example:
* What three things can you say or do to make your spouse feel good?
* What three vulnerable areas does your partner have (that have probably been present since childhood)?
When your partner is challenged on one of this issues or is inadvertently triggered during an arguement, he/she will probably react extremely negatively.
* What is the most effective way to calm your partner down when he/she is upset?
* What are guaranteed ways of making him/her happy or excited?
* What can you do to bring a smile to his/her face?
If you are unsure about the answers to some of these questions, perhaps it would be a good idea to schedule some quality time alone with your partner (away from the kids and the other responsibilities of life) to get onto the same emotional wavelength and to begin to fill in the gaps in your Owner’s Manual!