If there are children involved – don’t forget to think about, and consider, their feelings!
Relationship breakdown is one of most emotionally challenging processes anyone can go through, as most people know only too well as most of us have experienced this first hand, often on a number of occasions in our lives!
The emotional pain can be so overwhelming that is difficult to focus on anything, or anyone, else. However, if children are involved their needs at this stage must be given top priority.
Parents are often very aware, and cognizant of this when they divorce. The Children’s Act of 2005 highlights the importance of prioritising, and considering the needs and views of the children when establishing a parenting plan for the care and contact of the children post-divorce.
However, in my experience in with couples in my pychology practice, in relationships where only one of the couple is the biological parent of the child(ren), the children’s feelings about losing an important attachment figure is often not recognised or acknowledged, especially if the couple have not been together for an extended period of time. Perhaps a couple are still in a process of dating and do not as yet feel a strong sense of commitment to one another. It may be assumed that the child(ren) have similarly also not bonded closely with their parent’s partner.
This may be a big mistake with possible dire emotional consequences for the children!
A child’s sense of trust is developed at a very young age and can be undermined significantly if they perceive that a carer in their lives has in explicably abandoned them. In addition they are likely to blame themselves for the break-up in the relationship if they aren’t provided with an honest (age appropriate) explanation for the planned departure of their parent’s partner from their lives.
I believe it is essential that they are infomed about what is happening (of course in a manner that is child-centred and developmentally appropriate). Even young children (from the ages of three or four) can be engaged in a conversation on the issue. Both adults should be present for the discussion (if possible). The departing partner should not leave the “duty” to the parent – they have a relationship with the child(ren) and therefore have a (moral) responsibility to break the news personally, as hard and painful as this may be!
For partners who are unsure as to how to go about this, especially when young children are involved, I recommend that you consult a professional who specialises in therapy with children.