Last week I wrote about possible reasons why some individuals stay in relationhips that have become toxic.
What do I mean by toxic relationships?
Signs to look out for:
If you, as a couple, are emotionally enmeshed with each other (you feel that you cannot imagine your life without the other person) but simultaneously you are both making each other totally miserable? Do you yourselves caught up in recurring negative and hurtful patterns of interaction? Is there a lack of respect and a sense that you are being taken for granted?
You may find there are periods when things between you seem to be going well, but then your relationship goes back into a recurrent, negative cycle.
Dysfunctional relationships are also characterised by criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (John Gottman’s “The Four Horseman of the Apocolypse”*).
You find yourself preoccupied by angry, resentful thoughts and a sense of frustration when you think about your partner. You feel helpless to change the dynamic of the relationship. These thoughts start to interfere with your life and your ability to cope and be happy.
Reference: Gottman, J. M. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide…New York: Three Rivers’ Press
Can couple counselling be of help when relationships have become toxic?
The short answer is “yes” – provided that both partners are motivated to work on changing their relationship for the better. Not all relationships can, or should be, saved of course, but at a minimum, couple counselling will provide the opportunity for each member of the couple to re-evaluate their relationship in order to decide whether or not there is some potential for improvement.
Next time I will write about how individuals can begin to constructively address problems in their relationships.