Example:
John and Melissa have been married for 25 years. They have a 22 year old daughter, Ella, who is studying at university and still lives at home. John and Melissa have had a checkered relationship – there are memories of both good and bad times. Their communication has not been good of late and they have somehow lost their intimate connection. John found himself drawn to someone he met at his local golf club. They became emotionally close and began to spend a great deal of time messaging one another and meeting when the opportunity arose. Melissa discovered the messages when she inadvertently looked at his cellphone. She was extremely upset and demanded that he end the “affair”. A few weeks later the couple made an appointment for marital counselling.
In the first session John stated that he wanted to save the marriage. Melissa, on the other hand, was ambivalent at best. However, she did agree to give couple counselling a try.
Why is recovery from an infidelity so difficult for couples?
Crucially, trust has been broken – the spouse who has been cheated on experiences hurt, rage and disillusionment. She or he invariably experiences heightened emotional sensitivity, and craves empathy and support from their partner, but because this is needed from the person who has inflicted the hurt, there is simultaneous rejection and anger. These mixed messages are difficult to interpret from the point of view of the “erring” spouse, who is often confused about how to respond.
For the “perpetrator” on the other hand, it seems incredibly difficult to make progress in healing the relationship due to the incessant questioning, and accusations from the “wounded” spouse and the (often) perceived lack of acknowledgement for efforts made by their partner to mend the relationship. There is often a sense of being “trapped” and constrained by the suspicious spouse as there is the perception that all their movements and communications with others are monitored and controlled.
I do explain to couples at the start of counselling that the process is likely to be slow, long and harrowing and will require considerable staying power and determination to stay the course. In my experience coming back from infidelity (whether physical or simply emotional) is extremely hard for most couples. As one of my couples told me the other day – it is critical to the process to find a non-judgemental, experienced therapist to “hold” and guide the couple through this emotionally fraught process, where patience and understanding is key.