Category: Managing stress

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Managing stress

Exam stress – students and learners beware! High levels of stress can block your memory!

Don’t allow your stress to run away with you in the build up to the examinations!

If you are a student I am sure that you are thinking a great deal about the forthcoming examinations! As a your future rests on getting good results the thought of the exams will be causing you some degree of stress!

Of course we all cope with stress in different ways and with varying degrees of success. Some of us have trouble sleeping whilst others suffer from anxiety, feelings of panic or physical ailments such as headaches and back pain.

If stress levels are too high or stress becomes chronic, it can seriously affect memory. Brain science has determined exactly why that is and how it works. However, all we need to know about this is that hormones and neurotransmitters that are released during the stress response (also called the “fight or flight” response) can block memory formation and retrieval. This is responsible for the common situation of “going blank” during an exam.

It is therefore imperative that students and learners take on board the essential knowledge and skills to enable them to gain control of their stress. These include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), relaxation training, visualisation and mindfulness training.

I will be presenting a workshop entitled “Preparing yourself for the Exams” in Claremont, Cape Town, On Saturday morning the 17th September. The workshop is open to Grade 11s and 12s and to students.

For more information about the workshop, please contact us.

Best wishes with your exam preparation!

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Psychology in practice

Couples in toxic relationships – why do some of us persevere with destructive relationships?

When you know if your heart of hearts that your intimate relationship has become a major source of stress and unhappiness in your life , why don’t you break it off?

All your friends and family are giving you a consistent message that you would be better off without your current partner, why do you steadfastly resist their advice?

In my Cape Town psychology practice I often get clients who find themselves stuck in this position – they often feel desperate – they love their partner but he/she drives them crazy. They have often been in a destructive relationship for a long time and are feeling at the end of their tether.

Why won’t they admit that their relationship is doing them psychological harm, end it and move on with their lives?

The reasons people stay in toxic relationships are often complex and driven by largely unconscious factors such as:

 

1. The comfort of the familiar

In many cases there is the feeling that the bad relationship is comfortable in a sense, because it is known and predictable.

2. Needing to be needed

Clients often reveal a fear that their current relationship may be their last – that they will not find anyone else if they break off  their current relationship. There is a fear of being alone forever.

3. Trying to avoid “bad” feelings

Ending a relationship usually precipitates a sense of loss and mourning, with associated feelings of sadness (and even misery), anxiety, panic, and sometimes may trigger depression. Avoidance is a natural and normal tendency in the circumstances. However, we all need to face such feelings if we want to transform our lives for the better.

3. Poor self-esteem

Some individuals believe that they are not deserving of a caring, supportive relationship and of a happy, fulfilled life. There are, of course, always a number of unique, complex reasons for such an outlook. Often the underpinnings are to be found in the person’s early life experiences.

4. Not being able to say “no” or get their needs met

Clients caught up in toxic relationships often report that they feel unable to insist that their own needs get acknowledged – they often nag their partner to change but to no avail. They are in many cases locked into a co-dependent, enabling dynamic with their parnter where they feel helpless to change things for the better.

5. Believing one’s partner must/will change

Often I will hear “If only my partner were to realise the error of his/her ways and change for the better, our relationship would be good”.

This is a normal, but unfortunately, misguided belief!

It is crucial to accept that we can only change ourselves, if we become more strategic and positive in our interactions with our partners, our relationships have a chance to transform. However, if the other person in the relationship is not motivated to similarly change for the better, you may be doing yourself a big favour if you decide that enough is enough and to move on with your life!

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress

Cape Town Psychologist talks about: Parents, relationships, teenagers and exam stress.

How can parents help their teenage children to cope better in the build up to the end of year exams?

In my psychology practice I am seeing a number of teenagers at the moment who are starting to feel the pressure of looming end of year exams. One of my clients, who is in Grade 12, routinely stays up till 2.30 in the morning so that she can feel adequately prepared for the next day of school! Her parents are at their wits’ end because they feel their efforts to help their daughter have fallen on deaf ears.

Relationships between parents and their teenagers can come under serious strain during exam preparation time, especially for those with kids in Grade 11 and 12.  Schools and teachers tend to place a great deal of pressure and high expectations of their learners to do well, and in teenagers who are already internally driven to do well, the stress can become overwhelming and debilitating.

How can parents be of help to their children during this time?

1. Don’t get triggered by your teenager’s behaviour and attitude.

Teenagers are at a developmental stage where their brains are not yet fully developed and they are subject to hormonal surges and changes. They are thus often irrational, selfish, and idealistic – add to this the considerable stress of the upcoming exams and you have an extremely volatile personality to deal with! Try to be understanding and empathic, even though this may be extremely difficult! (You will probably need to find ways of dealing positively with your own stress levels – perhaps through exercise, talking to friends, yoga or meditation – and maybe all of these!).

2. Use your child as a consultant – listen to what your child has to say in terms of how you can be of help.

You may feel you are trying your best to help your teenager, but perhaps they may have their own ideas of how you can be of help. If you are tending to nag them about certain things, like getting to bed on time, your child may be perceiving this as adding to his/her stress. Your child may, in fact, come up with novel ways in which you can be a significant support.

3. Think strategically!

If your efforts in the past have not been met with a positive response by your teen, try something new. Advertising companies are very aware that if their campaigns don’t bear fruit, they will need to find another angle. As parents, we are also in the business of persuasion – and parenting to teenagers is definitely an example of a tough sell!

4.  Listen to yourself speak.

We need to be constantly aware of how we say things and the vocabulary we use as emtionally loaded words are easily able to trigger our unconscious.  Words and phrases such as “must”, “should”, “have-to”, “always” and “never” can cause instant feelings of  anxiety, stress, and panic in ourselves and also in the person we are speaking to (see more about this in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT).

As our unconcious minds do not process negatives, for example “don’t panic”, it is better to state ideas as a positive such as “remain calm” and suggest that your teenager “take things one step at a time”.

In future posts, I will return to this discussion.

Please contact me with any comments or queries.

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Psychology in practice

Cape Town Couple Counselling:Couples becoming parents – be prepared!

 

 

If you are currently pregnant (or that your partner is pregnant), or you have just become a parent for the first time, it is an exciting and challenging time!

 

Newby moms and dads have a great deal to adjust to, so it is important to start the process as soon as you get the news!

So what can you do to make this journey as happy and smooth as possible and  how can you help your partner prepare for this new, exciting stage in your relationship?

1. Communicate, communicate! From the first

moment you find out that you are pregnant, begin to talk to your partner about the implications and ramifications for yourselves as individuals and also as a couple.  Becoming a parent and co-parenting with your spouse or partner presents many and varied challenges – to talk about and explore these beforehand will stand you in good stead for when the baby arrives.

2.  Operate as a team and be there for each other. Ask your partner what he/she needs from you at the various stages of the pregnancy and after the birth. A strong, mutually supportive relationship at this stage will ensure that when the baby arrives, an immediate family bond is established, which becomes a strong foundation for the future.

3. Look out for signs of emotional distress in your partner. Pre- and post-partum depression and anxiety is quite common and mostly goes unrecognised. Although emotion fluctuations are normal in pregnancy and post-delivery because of strong hormonal fluctuations,  if you notice that your partner seems depressed and/or anxious for

days on end, if she has trouble sleeping and stops doing her usually daily activities, it is important that you encourage her to go for counselling.

4. Make sure you are prepared for the delivery (both practically and psychologically).

Whether you opt for a natural birth or for a caesarian section, be aware that things don’t always go according to plan, so it is important not to get too invested in one option as circumstances may dictate a different scenario entirely.

5. Get support from outside.

The first weeks as new parents will be a roller-coaster ride! Make sure you have adequate family and/or friends around for support, as well as nursing/breastfeeding/medical backup.

 

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Categories
Health and Happiness Life in General Managing stress

What do you do if you experience erectile problems? The psychology of sexual dysfunction and risks of a medical model of treatment.

Why thirty six hours of freedom can lead to a lifetime of sexual insecurity!

A recent ad on the radio for a variant of the “little blue pill” suggests that as soon as a man experiences the first hint of erectile problems he should not worry about identifying a cause (or causes) but should immediately go to his doctor for a prescription.

I believe this is shortsighted and extremely dangerous psychologically! (I am not saying that this type of medication has it’s place – what I am suggesting is that it is important that a full medical and psychological assessment be undertaken first).

An erection failure is invariably a highly stressful and anxiety-provoking event, often causing an immense sense of insecurity and self-doubt. Unless this is addressed through counselling or psychotherapy, the anxiety and doubt will remain, making it extremely difficult for the individual to take the chance to “fly solo” again, without the “help” of medication.

What impact will this have on one’s self-esteem and confidence!?

I therefore strongly suggest that anyone who is experiencing sexual problems first get themselves checked out, both medically and psychologically, and then, whether or not medication is considered, that a course

of counselling or psychotherapy be taken – not necessarily on a full stomach!

Categories
Life in General Managing stress Psychology in practice

Exam stress can be beaten! Develop a strategic approach to your exam preparation if you want to do well!

Doing well in your exams is not only a function of working hard – many bright and dedicated students bet owerwhelmed by anxiety and stress during exams, causing them to  “hit a blank”  at the critical moment.

How good are you at managing your stress?

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Life in General Managing stress Mindfulness Psychology in practice Talking Points in Psychology and Psychotherapy

Mindfulness, psychology, psychotherapy and neuroscience is proving that you can, in fact, teach an old dog new tricks!

It goes without saying that, in the 21st Century, the majority of psychologists and psychotherapists believe that individuals are all capable of making positive changes to their lives, no matter how old they (or we) may be, that change is possible right up to the moment that we take our last breath.

(This was not always the case. Freud, for example, believed that human development was complete after adolescence).

The great news is that increasingly detailed knowledge of the structure and workings of the brain from the exciting and rapidly developing field of neuroscience seem to back up this view. Neuroscientists speak

about “neuroplasticity” of the brain, meaning that our brains are

“a work in progress”, no matter what how old we are and that we are capable of  by doing and thinking in different ways, people are able to change old, counterproductive patterns of behaviour and ways of relating to partners, children and the world in general.

How can this be achieved?

First, old, dysfunctional patterns need to be interrupted and changed. This invariably happens in all forms of successful psychotherapy.

Second, the person needs to be trained to focus their attention in a conscious, purposeful way

Third,  a psychotherapist will help the client identify and then start to practise, new , more positive and healthy habits and patterns of behaviour, forming new neural networks in the brain. (see Pat Ogden, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Susan Aposhyan:Body-Mind Psychotherapy).

 

I see it as most encouraging that the new findings coming fromthe field of  neuroscience  provide scientific support to our work as psychologists and psychotherapists, and that psychologists utilising many different approaches, from Positive Psychology to Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), all have the above, central elements in common!

 

Reference: Psychotherapy Networker, March/April 2011

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Life in General Managing stress Psychology in practice

Psychology in practice – a tale of resilience.

A few days ago I was lucky enough to spend a weekend in the bush with a good friend of mine. The couple who invited us to stay are both in their late 70’s and have been married to each other for 54 years – they met each other when they were 16.

This is the first time I had visited their home, which is situated in the heart of the bushveld, along a rutted and almost impassable track.

They live there alone, with only the company of their domestic helper during the day. Water is pumped up from a small pump that is situated five kilometres or so away from the house and electicity comes from solar panels and a wind generator (which they maintain).

This couple have spent their lives living all over the world in remote locations and had endless colourful stories to tell.

Stories about growing up in a rural community, shearing sheep, riding broncos, teaching underprivileged children in South America (in Spanish!) and now being involved in environmental and wildlife conservation programmes.

(And here I am referring only to our lady host!).

They are both quite frail now and have had a series of health challenges, from knee and hip replacements to a stroke, and yet they are totally dedicated to their projects and are enthusiastic about their lives.

Their stories and lives are inspiring! No predictable, dull or “comfort zone” existence for them.

They made me think a great deal about the importance of having a resilient personality – to be able to bounce back in the face of crises and adversity. (Resilience is an importance concept in positive psychology).

I believe that we all need to foster a sense of resilience in order to live our lives

to the full and to live to our full potential.

 

In future posts I will talk about ways to develop and strengthen personal resilience…

Categories
Health and Happiness Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress

How good is your anger-management?

anger and frustrationAs a psychologist I find that its all about frustration tolerance and managing your expectations!

I have clients who report that they have days when they feel more and more frustrated, to the point where they are ready to explode!

Often their frustration results from problems in their relationships, either at home or at work, or it arises in certain situations, such as when when driving in traffic.

I talk about frustation being a sign that one’s expectations of a person or situation are unrealistic – we have an idealised idea of how a person or a situation should be (in the perfect world!) and then feel frustrated and angry when things don’t turn out as we would wish.

How would you rate your anger-management (on a scale from nought to ten – ten being perfect!)?

If  you find that you need to improve in this area – what can you do?

 

1. Examine your internal dialogue  – the conversation you have (hopefully silently!) with yourself throughout the day. If you are tending to wind yourself up, you can work on this. Listen to the conversation, and change the self-talk to a calmer, problem-solving tone.

2. Examine your expectations. If they are tending to be unrealistic, alter them to match reality. For example, if you are caught in a traffic jam thirty kilometres away from your office, rather than fuming about not being able to get to the meeting which is to begin in five minutes time, estimate how long it will take you to get there and perhaps consider how you could let people know that you will be late.

Of course it is important for each of us to work on our anger-management skills for a number of very good reasons – such as to preserve our relationships, our jobs and our sanity!

It is important to note that an ongoing pattern of anger and hostility can seriously affect your health. Research has consistently found that A-type personalities who are competitive and also angry and hostile are much more likely to suffer from high blood pressure and have higher rates of heart attacks than people who are driven but not angry.

So being a lover not a fighter is better for one’s health too!

Categories
Health and Happiness Life in General Managing stress Talking Points in Psychology and Psychotherapy

Two Cape Town psychologists talk about: coping and resilience when the going gets tough.

Every week a psychologist colleague and I get together for peer supervision (we have been having these meetings for more than two years). We both work from a health psychology and positive psychology orientation and also practice clinical hypnotherapy ( including ego-state  therapy and Eriksonian approaches) with our respective clients.

This week one of the subjects under discussion was psychological resilience and effective coping. My colleague works a great deal in a medical setting, where she is called in to counsel patients who are undergoing radical surgery, such as amputations.  She mentioned that she is struck by how some patients manage to bounce back psychologically from this type of traumatic experience whilst others seem to lapse into a state of hopeless depression. (This is an important issue as research has consistently shown how crucial a person’s mental outlook is to their speed or recovery and general prognosis)

We went on to talk about the concept of resilience and whether positive coping and resilience is a given in the personality or if it can be acquired or strengthened through psychotherapy. One’s coping style is so so much part of who we are and on our outlook on life!  If we have meaning in our lives and feel needed and fulfilled, we will have more a stronger motivation to fight for our health and for our life when the going gets tough!

We spoke about how it is only when we are faced with a trauma or a crisis that our coping skills and our resilience are tested.

How do you respond in a crisis? Do you need to develop your own coping ability and your resources?