Category: Maintaining Healthy Relationships

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Your partner has cheated on you and you decide to stay. How do you cope?

What do you do when you find that your spouse has been having an illicit affair?

Of course one’s first impulse would be to say “I would certainly leave the relationship!” However, this is invariably not a simple or easy decision, especially when it involves potentially leaving a loved spouse and a long and committed relationship. This decision is even more difficult when a couple have children together and leaving a relationship would also  mean breaking up a family and putting the children’s psychological health in jeopardy.

Of course this choice involves a great deal of soul-searching and ambivalence. There are emotional risks and potential gains and losses attached to both options. For a partner who chooses to stay and to try to work on the marriage, the process is invariably a protracted and often lonely emotional roller-coaster ride. Often it may feel that it is all too much to handle. Concerned friends and family members often provide well-meaning advice but they are seldom able to understand fully what the individual is going though.

It is usual for a person in this situation to question their decision continually because it is so hard to hang in there. They simultaneously love and hate their “cheating” spouse and are obsessed by thoughts that their partner may still be involved in the other relationship. It often feels as if trust in the partner has been irrevocably lost and that there is no hope for reconciliation.

Partners who have been cheated on often ask themselves whether their decision to stay and work on the marriage let’s their spouse off the hook for his/her transgressions and thus makes it too easy for them to move on without any serious repercussions.

So how does someone who chooses to stay in their marriage post-infidelity cope with the emotional fall-out?

First, it is important that the person find someone they can confide in and who can allow them to explore their feelings and their ongoing internal struggles fully with no judgement or advice giving. This is often a tall order as the topic of infidelity brings out strong feelings in most people.

Talk honestly to your spouse and tell him how you feel and what you are going through every day. If  he/she shows understanding, patience and emotional support this is a good sign that there is acknowledgement of the harm that has been caused and a commitment to the long haul in healing the relationship. Explain the ambivalence you are feeling and explain what you need to enable you to cope and to stick with the process.

Focus on self-care and self-development. The shake-up of your marriage also presents an opportunity to think critically about your relationship prior to the infidelity and whether or not you permitted yourself to live totally authentically and develop your true potential. This may be a good time to make some significant changes.

Decide on what type of marriage you would like in the future and discuss this topic with your spouse. Ideally once you and your spouse have successfully worked through the aftermath of the infidelity you will be in a stronger and better place in your life as a result.

 

 

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Infidelity in relationships. Why reconciliation is so difficult.

I was interviewed on Cape Talk on 5 September: How infidelity affects marriage and families.

Read the article here

Listen to the interview here

Infidelity is one of the main reasons couples arrive at my door. In the majority of cases couples maintain that they want to reconcile and heal their relationship.

In the first session I try to clear up all misconceptions that a couple may have concerning the hard path to reconciliation and the time frame involved.

I often tell clients that recovery from infidelity can be compared in certain respects to rehabilitation from substance dependence.

Why do I say that?

First, there is often a great deal of ambivalence involved. In many cases the cheating partner has developed strong feelings for the third party and is thus seriously conflicted about the choice he has to make. The relationship with the other person often fulfills an important role in the spouses life and has become an important coping resource. However, there is often also a great deal of denial and minimizing of the relationship on the part of the person who is having the affair.

In addition, both spouses are often in two minds about whether or not they want to embark on the difficult process of reconciliation. Hard work and endless patience will be required by both partners to keep the process on track. This ambivalence has to be resolved for the most part before couple counselling can begin in ernest. Often I see the partners separately for individual sessions in an effort to help each of them resolve any ambivalence they may be experiencing.

Trust in the cheating spouse has inevitably been lost and will be highly elusive for many months and perhaps years to come. I tell couples this but inevitably the spouse who has cheated runs out of patience pretty early on in the reconciliation process because they believe they are trying to put their best foot forward in the relationship and to be transparent about their behaviour and their whereabouts. However, their partner often fails to show much appreciation and continues to be angry and suspicious. This can cause the previously unfaithful spouse to waver in their decision to work on the relationship as they lose faith that their partner will eventually be able to move past their infidelity.

Couples who are battling with this process often ask me if there are any success stories.

I tell them “yes”. There are certain couples who report years after seeing me that their marriage is strong and mutually fulfilling. These couples often tell me that they have fewer illusions about themselves and each other but that they have a mature appreciation of their partner’s qualities and their tenacity in sticking with their reconciliation process.

 

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples : How good are you at communicating with your partner?

Do you routinely practice the one essential skill that is essential to good communication?

Clients who see me for couple counselling invariably mention upfront that they lack the ability to communicate effectively. When this is the case, intimacy is an inevitable casualty.

My couples usually report either very little communication, or conversations that become heated very quickly and nothing gets resolved as a result.

So what are these couples doing or not doing to produce this sad state of affairs?

Of course each couple’s dynamic, or relationship dance, is unique to them. However, certain patterns tend to occur in troubled relationships.

When partners are unhappy with each other they are usually in a state of high defensiveness, and because of this they aren’t usually really listening to their partner in any meaningful way. In this type of situation, partners will often hear selectively as they are triggered by certain words, phrases or a tone of voice that their partner uses and they will be preparing a defensive response.  

Each partner has built up a set of negative assumptions about the other in their minds are they are thus primed to hear only supporting evidence, much like the pattern underlying stereotypes and prejudices.

So what is this important skill?

It is “active listening”.

I can hear you say that this is old news! However, how many couples habitually practice the skill of listening carefully to understand what the other person is trying to convey? If you are doing this correctly, you will habitually ask the other person for clarity if and when you are unsure as to their meaning or intent. You will know when you are getting it right because you will be aware that you are in the mode of a curious investigator and not of a judge!

This is, of course, is difficult to do when you are unhappy with your partner and takes some practice! Sometimes a “talking stick” is a good idea to start with. The person who has the floor holds the stick until their partner gets confirmation from him/her that their meaning has been totally understood before the stick is handed over to the other partner for his/her input.

It is important to also make sure that you understand your partners feelings about what they are conveying to you. If you are unsure, ask for clarity.

This approach can go a long way to restoring intimacy in your relationship!

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: How healthy is your communication?

If unhealthy, what can you do about it?

In my practice I see many unhappy couples. Most report that they have problems with their communication. They often complain of a lack of meaningful interaction – either there exists a “cold war” in which couples give each other the silent treatment, or there is a full-on conflict situation, where anger levels peak and disrespect and even contempt become a dominant pattern.

When these two patterns are well-established in a relationship, it is a sure indication that the couple are in serious trouble. Couple counsellors refer to a couple’s “relationship dance” – the unconscious interactive style of a couple, which can either promote intimacy in happy couples or it can become a negative pattern when relationships go wrong.  Arguments tend to occur when one partner says or does something that represents a “trigger” to the other person, initiating a negative response, which causes the other person to react in turn in a defensive manner. Before the couple know what has happened, they are caught up in a very destructive interaction –  a so-called “toxic embrace”.

Because this process happens outside of their awareness, couples often report having frequent fights but are at a loss as to why they happen so regularly and become so heated. 

So how can this pattern be reversed?

First it is important to become mindful of what happens when you and your partner fight. Identify your and your partners “triggers” and become aware of what thoughts go through your mind in response because these thoughts will determine your emotional response.

Second – notice how you react – what you do and what you say. Unhappy couples often slip into disrespectful ways of interacting with their “loved one”. Ask yourself whether you would speak to a friend or a colleague in the same way. If not, you could resolve not to allow yourself to slip into the “bad habit” of labeling your partner as, for example, ” selfish”, “lazy” or “narcissistic’,  and not to treat him/her in a dismissive fashion. You could rather pledge to acknowledge your partner’s positive good points and his/her contribution to your lives. This is, of course, difficult to achieve when a relationship is in serious trouble as there is usually a lack of goodwill between the partners and thus a disinclination to be the one to “play nice”.

If you can’t make progress by implementing these ideals, I suggest that go for some help without delay – waiting too long will further reduce the possibility that the relationship can be turned around.

 

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Partner incompatibility – Can your relationship survive this problem?

Can you have a happy marriage despite having major differences in your values, goals or priorities?

Many unhappy couples that I see in my practice are grappling with incompatibility issues in their relationship. For example, partners may have divergent views about money, religion, parenthood or parenting approaches. In some cases couples were already aware of clashes in their worldviews prior to committing to their relationships. In other couples, however, major incompatibilities may surface or develop only at a later stage in the marriage.

However, at what stage an incompatibility arose is usually not a major issue when couples come for relationship counseling. The fundamental question usually concerns whether or not the couple are able to find a way of resolving the impasse – often the future of the relationship depends on finding a mutually acceptable approach to dealing with problem so that it does not continue to generate high levels of conflict and unhappiness.

When intimate partners enter counselling and therapy they each invariably express the view that they are in the right and that their partner is wrong in terms of his/her beliefs, goals, priorities or behaviour. The opinion is often expressed that, should the partner agree to change in this regard, that harmony in the relationship would be re-established.

Thus one of my first first priorities in couple counselling is to encourage a non-judgemental stance on the part of the couple and to shift the conversation tone from one of criticism and blame to a more co-operative, problem-solving frame of mind.

 

In a following post I will explore this issue further with reference to case examples in order to illustrate how couples go about finding solutions to the issue of incompatibility.

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Relationship infidelity. Is there any hope for a relationship after an affair?

What is the likelihood that a couple can save their relationship after an infidelity?

The discovery of an affair or another form of cheating is one of the major reasons that unhappy couples present for couple counselling. Almost all of them ask me early on in the therapy process whether or not it is possible to save their relationship.

This is, of course, a difficult and perhaps impossible question to answer!

Of course, in theory, most relationships can be saved if both parties are determined to make it happen. However, in practice, there are many factors that will determine whether or not they will be successful.

So what do I say to couples who ask me this question?

I tell them that yes, I have had a number of couples as clients who have succeeded in staying together and who have gone on to establishing a new and improved understanding of each other and a deep appreciation of value of their bond.  However, the process of recovery from an affair tends to be a long, often painful journey as trust, once broken, takes a great deal of effort, patience and commitment to re-establish.

What factors increase the odds of couples being successful in getting their relationship back on track?

In the couples I have seen who report long-term success (more than two years) in staying together in mutually satisfying relationships, have shared the following characteristics:

  1. A strong commitment to the relationship and to hanging in there with their partner for as long as it takes to succeed.  I let my couples know that the process will doubtless be long, tough and emotionally challenging. Many clients become disheartened when, after months of perseverance, there often remains high levels of mistrust and negativity from the partner.
  2. A lack of, or a resolution of ambivalence regarding staying in the relationship. In many cases the partner having the affair is torn between wishing to recover his/her  relationship and not wanting to end it with the third party whilst the partner who has been cheated on fears that it will happen again and again. It is generally accepted that any ambivalence needs to be resolved in favour of the spouse/partner and staying in the relationship before the process of reconciliation can begin in ernest.
  3. Total honesty and disclosure. I have found that if both parties are not totally honest with each other before embarking on reconciliation, the chance of success is seriously jeopardized as trust in the partner is eroded even further with each new disclosure.
  4. A high level of emotional investment in the relationship. For example, when there are children couples often realize there is a great deal at stake when coming to a decision about the future of their relationship.
  5. Sensitivity and empathy in relation to their partner’s feelings and needs.
  6. Endless patience and consideration.
  7. And of course, love and respect for their partner!

So yes, there is hope! But a great deal of perseverance and dedication will be needed!

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Emotional Responsiveness in Relationships. Is your partner not responsive to your needs?

Why is emotional responsiveness so important in relationships?

According to Emotion Focused Couple Counselling the fundamental question a partner asks themselves, often unconsciously,  (in respect to their other half) is “is he/she really there for me when I need him/her?”. This refers, of course, to a whole spectrum of needs – from the purely practical to the deeply emotional.

Many partners who come to me for couple counselling complain that their partner is not responsive to their needs. For example, partners often  complain that the significant other tends to be on their phone 24/7, even when they are out on date night or that there is no longer an intimate connection between the couple and no quality time is spent together anymore.

Many a client has actually accused their partner of being narcissistic because there is a total lack of consideration of their partner’s feelings and needs!

Of course there can be a number of different reasons for a partner’s lack of responsiveness.

It could be that over time the relationship has deteriorated gradually or the couple has merely drifted apart over the years through a lack of focus and prioritizing of their relationship. This is especially common when children arrive. Rarely is it due to an inherent aspect of one, or both partner’s personality.

Is this something that can be rectified?

Of course, if the cause of a couple’s problems are related primarily to a lack of attention, consideration and care on the part of a partner, with sufficient motivation and effort their would be hope that the couple could re-establish their intimate connection. Sometimes couples need help in this regard, though, as good communication skills are essential for relationship satisfaction. However, if there has been a major breach in trust between the couple due to infidelity, for example, the process of reconnecting emotionally becomes infinitely more difficult and will take considerably patience, commitment and time.

In some cases, partners are, in fact trying to be responsive but their spouse fails to recognize or acknowledge their efforts, as outlined in the book “The Seven Love Languages”.

In all relationships communication is key. Let your partner know what you need from them and make sure that you keep in touch with your spouse on an emotionally intimate level. Make sure, too, that you prioritize quality time for yourselves as a couple!

 

 

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Your cellphone and your relationship.

Are they compatible?

And how is your cellphone affecting your relationship?

Of course technology has brought some amazing benefits to our lives – from a social point of view we can communicate with our family and friends instantly and cheaply and we take this for granted most of the time.

However in my practice I am struck by how often technology can become a real problem in relationships – the most common complaints involve partners finding that their spouse has been secretly texting (and in some cases sexting) other people or partners feeling that they are being ignored by their other half, who is focused 24/7 on his/her phone.

I usually suggest to couples that cellphone etiquette in the relationship should be negotiated upfront in order to come to an agreement on what rules and boundaries. It is best to do this early in a relationship before any problems develop. Aspects that may be considered could include privacy issues (are partners free to access their partners phone at all times?) and  technology time-outs such as during meal-times and in the bedroom.

Of course this issue is not always easy to resolve, especially when one (or both) of the partners needs to stay in touch with the outside world because of work-related responsibilities. However, I believe that if both partners agree that their relationship health is a top priority they will be committed to finding a private life/social connection balance that will work for them both.

In my experience, the time and effort involved in doing so will pay off in relationship satisfaction!

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

The Role of Empathy in relationships.

Is it ever possible to ever have too much empathy?

Empathy is an essential when it comes to meaningful and successful relationships – right? I don’t think many of us would argue with that!

Without empathy we could not be able to understand another person’s point of view and be able to acknowledge that his or her feelings and points of view should be acknowledged and taken into account even when they may differ substantially or radically from our own. Emotional empathy provides a further dimension in that it allows us to experience how someone else feels. We do this through and careful interaction and active listening.

On of the essentials in successful couple counselling is to encourage mutual empathy between partners as an empathic connection is often lost when the relationship is in trouble. This is often a real challenge as anger and resentment will usually block empathic attunement. 

It seems, strange, therefore to suggest that too much empathy can also present a problem!

Can you think of instances where this may be the case?

For example, consider an abused partner who states that he/she will not leave a relationship out of concern that their spouse will not be able to cope without them? Or a spouse or mother who gets into debt in order to continue to support the lifestyle and drug habit of their loved one.

This dynamic is particularly difficult to address in therapy as the individual concerned is usually heavily invested in continuing with their (essentially self-destructive) interaction pattern. Often a third party, such as a concerned family member, will sound the alarm and suggest that the person concerned come for counselling. The referring person usually feels a sense of impotence as the person concerned seems intent on pursuing their self-sacrificing behaviour.

Do you know anyone who tends to be overly empathic? And where do you stand when it comes to a capacity for empathy?

Perhaps you might consider sounding out your partner or close friend on the subject! You could ask them how empathetic they think you are!

 

 

 

 

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples: How are you at resolving conflict in your relationship?

Why is constructive conflict resolution so important to your relationship?

 

Is the way you resolve conflict bringing you closer together or is it tearing you apart?

Of course I see a great many unhappy couples in my practice. Usually their trust in each other and in their relationship is at an all time low, and inevitably so is the goodwill that exists between them.

I often wonder what happened over the years to bring the couple to such a low point in their relationship. They usually report having felt positive and optimistic about their relationship (and their marriage) originally but over the years their dynamic changed from constructive and affirming to destructive and discounting of their partner.

How and why have things changed so radically?

Inevitably over the years partners will be faced with attributes, attitudes behaviour in their spouse that they dislike, disagree with or seriously detest. How partners deal with each situation where conflict occurs has long-term consequences for the health of their relationship. If differences are dealt with constructively, the resolution of conflict can enable couples to gain deeper understanding of each other.  However, if conflict interactions tend to turn nasty and destructive, relationships can be severely damaged over time as a result.

What are some features of destructive arguments and poor conflict resolution in relationships?

  1. Losing control of anger during an argument resulting in attempts to “wound” the other, either physically or  emotionally.
  2. Treating one’s part disrespectfully.
  3. Failing to take your partner’s views and feelings in account.
  4. Fighting to win at all costs, often to the detriment of the relationship.
  5. Believing that the above behaviour is justified because of the perceived “failings” displayed by the partner.

 

If you recognize any or all of these features in your own style of resolving conflict I would recommend that you resolve to change this pattern without delay because this is placing your relationship in serious jeopardy. 

 

In future posts I will discuss ways in which you can start to turn a destructive pattern around.