Category: Maintaining Healthy Relationships

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples, relationships and infidelity: Can your marriage survive the devastating impact of infidelity?

A marriage post-infidelity – is there any hope for reconciliation?

As a couples counsellor, I tend to write a great deal about infidelity. Why is this?

The main reason is that I see a great many instances of infidelity in my work with couples and I see first-hand the impact that it has on relationships. Many couples that I see are either trying to get their relationships  back on track post-infidelity or are grappling with ambivalence and confusion about whether or not to try to salvage their marriages.

A second reason is that helping a couple to recover their relationship post-infidelity is particularly difficult and challenging and demands a high degree of skill and experience.

Before I continue, I need to define what I mean by infidelity in this context. When it comes to relationships, any action or inaction that results in a major breach of trust can be regarded by a spouse as an infidelity – from secretly sending flirtatious text messages to a third party to a full-on sexual affair. I have found over the years that the extent or nature of the infidelity is no predictor of the extent or depth of a partner’s sense of hurt and betrayal – if the behaviour is perceived as a betrayal it will lead to a crisis where the affected partner is left to question the integrity of their spouse and the future viability of their union.  

Infidelity is, of course, not confined to the sexual realm but also to any other aspect of the relationship, such as the couples’ finances. Examples of financial infidelity include keeping major purchases secret from the spouse or withdrawing funds out of a joint bond account without the knowledge of their partner. 

As mentioned previously, infidelity is invariably so devastating to a relationship or marriage because trust is destroyed. Trust, together with commitment, is a pivotal aspect of any relationship according to the relationship guru, John Gottman. If trust between the partners is damaged or destroyed, the future of the relationship is very uncertain. Of course many relationships do survive infidelity. However, the recovery process is often long and hard. There are major challenges for both partners.

I will discuss these and the process involved in a future post.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples Counselling and Relationship ambivalence: Should you stay or should you leave?

And can couple counselling help in making this call?

To stay or to leave an unhappy relationship is one of the hardest decisions many of us have to make at various times in our adult lives. There is so much at stake, especially when there are children involved.

When a marriage or a relationship has been troubled or unhappy for some time it is inevitable that one or both partners may start to harbour serious thoughts about leaving. There will often be a period of intense internal contemplation, accompanied in many cases by long conversations with a confidant or with close friends.

When a partner has been going through this process without letting you know about his/her thoughts or  feelings regarding the relationship, it can come as a huge shock when finally the topic is raised. Suddenly a person’s world in thrown into disarray and the future seems highly uncertain and threatening. There is usually a feeling of intense hurt accompanied by a sense of the anticipated loss.

This is often the moment when couples decide to come in for counselling.

The partner who has initiated the conversation about a possible breakup of the relationship is often not yet sure about what he/she wants to do – whether they would like to try to save the relationship or if they would rather call it quits. This confusion invariably adds to the hurt and anxiety being experienced by the partner, who usually tries to push their partner for some clarity and some definite answers. However, in many instances the partner cannot comply as he/she is invariably experiencing a great deal of confusion and ambivalence regarding their feelings and about the possible future of the relationship.

So what is a couple to do in this type of situation?

In my couple counselling practice I often see the partners for individual sessions interspersed with couple counselling sessions to enable the partners to each work on the issues that are raised for them as a result of their relationship’s dynamics and problems.  

I often advise the “surprised” partner to try to refrain from bombarding their spouse with questions about his/her intentions, especially if no clear and consistent answers are forthcoming. Of course, this often leads to heightened anxiety and frustration which is worked through in the individual counselling.

The “disclosing” partner’s ambivalence and confusion is worked through individually as well. Once some clarity has been reached the partner’s discuss their progress and the way forward in a couple sessions. A decision is then reached (ideally) regarding whether or not they wish to give their relationship another try. If they do they usually elect to continue with couple counselling, if not, I often recommend mediation, especially if children are involved and I provide names of suitably qualified mediators.

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Mediation Psychology in practice

Couples: Is there any point to marriage counselling….

When your spouse says that he/she is thinking seriously about divorce?

Research into relationships, marriage and couples counselling has found that couples wait too long to come for relationship counselling – on average six years after the first major problems in the relationship start to occur.

My own experience of seeing unhappy couples in my psychology practice over twenty years has born this out. The couples I see invariably report that they their relationship has been limping along for a long time. Some couples report that they tend to have intermittent explosive rows while others report that following disagreements there might be lengthy periods – sometimes lasting as long as two weeks to a month – when there is a stony silence between the couple. It is common that one partner inevitably becomes the one to initiate a resumption of communication. Their attempts, however, are often met, initially with stonewalling. In either case, when couples become chronically unhappy and dissatisfied, intimacy is an early casualty. This is a dangerous situation, of course, as partners tend to retreat into themselves and their own thoughts. Often one or both start toying with the idea of divorce and eventually the “d” word is brought up in their conversation.

Is it too late, at this stage, for a couple to benefit from couple counselling?

I would say that the answer to this question is definitely “no, it is never too late” for a number of reasons:

First, the partner who mentions divorce is often extremely ambivalent and afraid of the consequences should divorce occur. It is important for each spouse to be able to work through their often confused feelings about their marriage and their thoughts about the future in a containing and non-judgemental context. This is especially important if there are children involved.

[I have found that ambivalent couples, when faced with the choice to continue with counselling or to go ahead with terminating the relationship, usually opt of couple counselling first – for four to six months, because they want to be sure that they are making the right decision].

Secondly – often one partner is leaning towards the divorce option whilst the other one wants to keep the marriage together. Each spouse needs to have the opportunity to explore their options and be fully heard by their partner. This is often difficult to achieve at home where emotions will tend to escalate and there are often other members of the household within earshot.

Thirdly – even if a couple decide ultimately that they opt for divorce, they then need then to initiate a conversation about “what happens next?”. It is often at this stage that discussions regarding mediation or collaborative practice options versus litigation tend to take place. A couple counselling context is a good place for this to happen as the psychotherapist or counsellor they see (especially if they are FAMAC accredited) will be able to fully explore all the possible options with them.

 

So to reiterate: Yes, I believe strongly that choosing to come for couple counselling when your relationship is in serious trouble is a good idea, even at the point when you may feel that you are on the brink of divorce. By doing so you may be able to save your marriage, but even if this proves not to be possible, you will nonetheless be in a much better position to find a mutually acceptable and considerate way to make decisions about the way forward.

 

 

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Couples: Are there problems in your relationship?

If so, be wary if your partner suggests that you go alone to individual counselling.

I have found over the last twenty years of seeing couples in my psychology and mediation practice for relationship counselling, and also seeing individuals in therapy who are having relationship problems, that in some cases the person is there in my office because their spouse has suggested that it is a good idea that their partner attend individual therapy. This scenario invariably causes alarm bells to sound in my mind.

Why is this?

Sometimes a spouse would like, either consciously or unconsciously to have their partner accept the belief that their relationship problems are as a result of their partner’s psychological problems, such as their depression or anxiety. This then lets them off the hook in terms of responsibility for their problems as a couple.

 If the “ailing” partner accepts this diagnosis from their spouse and comes alone for therapy, they become what is known as “the identified patient”.

This is potentially a bad state of affairs for a couple of reasons. First – yes, the client may in fact be suffering from depression but this may be a result and not a cause of the problems that exist within the relationship. Or it is possible that the depression may be one of a number of issues that need to be addressed within the relationship.

Secondly, if only one of the couple come for therapy the opportunity is lost to work on the couples’ problems on a relationship level. The other partner’s opinions and personal interaction cannot be observed by the therapist who has to rely on the individual’s account of their relationship. This may cause the psychologist to misjudge the nature of the relationship.

For these reasons I advise couples who are having relationship problems to first see a couple therapist for an assessment before making a decision to attend further counselling. And if your spouse suggests that you go for counselling alone, make sure that you fully understand his or her motivation and motives!

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Relationships: Are you deciding on a mate for the happy ever after?

Then make sure that you are fully acquainted with his or her shadow side!

I see many unhappy individuals and couples on my psychology practice. Many have been in committed relationships for quite some time and communication and goodwill has broken down in the relationship to the extend that they may be on the verge of splitting up. Other people present at the beginning of a relationship, however, when they are trying to decide whether or not to take their relationship onto another level and/or to get married.

During the course of my couple counselling with people in distress, I invariably ask for the history of the relationship to date and I ask what characteristics attracted the partners to each other. Often clients recount how they were totally attracted to a prospective partner because of certain traits that they noticed in the other person, such as their sense of adventure, their sense of humour or the depth of their spirituality. Because of the mutual attraction to the perceived sterling qualities of the the partner, the relationship takes off and quickly becomes mutually satisfying and the individuals begin to develop strong bonds and feeling towards one another.

However at some stage it is likely that the partner’s more undesirably traits may begin to manifest. For example, a partner may become aware that their significant other may be lazy and untidy and disinclined to get off the couch over weekends. This type of situation can, of course, be brought into therapy in order to attempt to find a solution that would suit both parties. However, when it is discovered that a prospective spouse displays a trait or characteristic that is totally abhorrent to their partner because of his/her particular value system or firmly held goals, it is often difficult for the affected partner to let go of the relationship, even though they often know, in their heart of hearts, that long-term happiness and relationship satisfaction is highly unlikely due to a fundamental, non-negotiable, incompatibility.

So the take home message is – make sure that you know your partner very well before you commit for the long term. And ask yourself – can I live with all of his/her various traits, habits and hang-ups happily forever….?

 

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Do you want to change a behaviour, or establish a new habit?

To be successful, understand what motivates you!

In my practice I often help individuals and couples identify the behaviours that keep them stuck in unhappy or less than optimal lives and relationships. That is the (relatively) easy part! How to achieve long-lasting change is always the major challenge!

Motivation is always a complex and difficult issue and numerous self-help books have been written on the subject.

I have recently become aware of a potentially very useful book entitled ” Better than before: Mastering the Habits of our Everyday lives” by a researcher named Gretchen Rubin. She has also researched the topic of happiness and has detailed her findings in a book named “The Happiness Project”. I highly recommend this book for anyone who would like to increase the happiness in their lives (isn’t this everybody?!). It is well researched and provides a great deal of food for thought and practical guidance.

However, getting back to behaviour and habit change….

Ms Rubin found that motivation isn’t a “one size fits all” dynamic, but that individuals are motivated according to four broad styles – Upholder, Obliger, Questioner and Rebel. These styles differ according to what essentially drives a person’s motivation to change. Upholders tend to be driven to meet intrinsic as well as external expectations (in terms of their own standards as well as wishing to conform to the standards of significant others/laws/institutions).

Obligers, on the other hand, tend to respond mainly to the expectations of others but struggle to be self-motivated. Questioners are those who will not accept any call for behaviour change until they have questioned extensively the rationale for change.  Rebels resist all expectations for change, and as such present a real challenge for psychologists and coaches alike.

‘Ms Rubin concludes that it is important to identify a person’s predominant motivation pattern in order to  maximise the chances of successful behaviour change.

So what category fits you best? 

 

Categories
Children and Divorce Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: What initially attracted you to your partner?

And were these reasons the right ones (for the long-term)?

In my couple counselling and mediation practice I invariably ask couples what initially attracted them to each other.

I am often struck by their responses when I consider these against the backdrop of their current relationship and the problems that they are currently experiencing.

Why is this?

I note often that the aspects of the partner that initially attracted their mate becomes a major bone of contention in their ongoing relationship and that in many cases individuals get married for the same reason as they get divorced! For example, an easy-going, devil-may-care lover may turn into a spouse who is criticized for being irresponsible and “flighty”, a generous and fun-loving individual may later be seen by their spouse as lacking financial self-discipline and someone who fails to consider the long-term security of the family.

It has been said that we are often attracted to personal characteristics in our partner that we, ourselves, lack. So a tidy, conscientious individual may be attracted to someone who is untidy and unreliable – the attraction of opposites. This may work fine in the early stages of a relationship when sexual attraction is strong, but I have found, when listening to my couples’ narratives about the development of their relationship, that when they settle down into domestic life and children enter the picture, these initial differences can become hugely divisive. These types of differences often become major issues and the cause of repetitive, ongoing arguments that rarely get adequately resolved. Relationships become seriously strained in many cases and couples find that their communication becomes strained and intimacy invariably suffers as a result.

Are you aware of couples that you know who are experiencing this type of dynamic or perhaps it is alive and well in your own relationship? If so, what can be done?

Well, if you are still in the dating stage, or are looking for a prospective long-term partner, perhaps it may be a good idea to widen your criteria to include characteristics in a would-be partner that would serve you, and your family, well in the long-term such kindness, generosity of spirit and a good sense of humour. Also I suggest you look out for other aspects such as how the person deals with anger and conflict, their interpersonal skills, level of empathy for others (and animals). 

Also, if you have opposing views on crucial aspects, such as money and tidiness, for example, work out how you will confront these issues in a constructive way, going forward.

If you are in a well-established relationship, it may be a good idea to commit to respectful communication as away of resolving conflict. However, if you are caught in a negative, destructive communication dynamic, couple counselling could be considered in order to rehabilitate the relationship.

 

Categories
Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Infidelity in relationships: Inevitable questions that spouses ask.

I don’t have to tell you that infidelity invariably causes havoc in any marriage or committed relationship. Usually the spouse who has been kept in the dark feels extreme emotional pain and disillusionment, it is hard to imagine that the relationship would ever be the same after the secret is discovered, should it survive.

I see many couples in my psychology practice where there has been some kind of infidelity perpetrated by one of the partners. Infidelity in a relationships takes various forms, from sexual affairs to illicit spending.

In this post I would, however,  like to focus on sexual infidelity.

Of course sexual infidelity differs in nature and degree – from close relationships with someone outside of the relationship, such as intimate “friendships” at work or a secret virtual relationship based on text messaging  to a full-on sexual affair. There is seldom a correlation between the “seriousness” of the deed and the effect that it has on the relationship because the resultant breakdown in trust between the partners is due to the perceived betrayal that is involved.

The spouse or partner who discovers the affair will inevitably want answers to the following questions:

  1. Why did this happen?
  2. What was missing in our relationship that caused you to look outside for what you needed?
  3. What was lacking in me as a person ? Why wasn’t I enough for you?
  4. If you really love(d) me, how could you do something that you know would hurt me, and our relationship, so much?

These questions are often asked in my presence, during a couple counselling session. Time and time again I have found that the partner who has “cheated” has a difficult time articulating answers to these questions and invariably the answers that are forthcoming fail to placate or satisfy the other spouse. Usually any answer that is provided is met with skepticism, disbelief or outright anger.  Often it appears as if the “guilty” partner can’t understand the cause(s) of their own behaviour in this regard, and often seems to be composing an explanation as they go along!

Partners often say to me, and to their spouse, that they are happy in their relationship and that they love their spouse very much.

The underlying dynamics associated with infidelity are invariably extremely complex and difficult to understand. However, safe to say that whatever the causes and nature of any infidelity that arises in any relationship, a couple needs to work through the process of trying to understand why the infidelity occurred and to come to terms with the fact that it did occur before they can hope to rebuild their relationship.

This usually requires a strong commitment to “hang in there” for as long as it takes, patience and open communication.  There are no short cuts!

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Giving advice – do so at at your own risk!

Giving advice to friends, partners and family is invariably a bad idea! Why do I say this?

As a psychologist I see many clients who have been burned badly emotionally with the repercussions of advice giving even though the advice is often given with the best will in the world, with love and empathy, often in response to a heartfelt request from somewhat close to you who is in a real jam.

Advice giving is a bad idea because:

In order to feel a sense of personal empowerment,  individuals need to come up with their own solutions to problems. Everyone is unique in terms of their worldview, personality, skills and attitudes. We can’t expect that our answers will suit anyone else. Providing answers for significant others will invariably not solve their problem(s) but will only provide a band-aid at best.

There is a risk that you, as the advice-giver,  will become invested in the other person’s  outcome as you have, in all likelihood, spent considerable time and emotional energy on enabling a solution to their problem. Should they not follow your advice it is possible that you will become frustrated and even angry with the person because you have set yourself up with a set of unconscious and even conscious expectations regarding your friend’s intention to follow your advice to the letter. You have consequently become psychologically invested in a favourable outcome based on your advice. 

This type of situation has the potential to seriously damage your relationship!

Giving advice also puts the advice-given in a one-up position (even if this is only temporary) in relation to the person asking for advice. This can cause resentment and even a dip in self-esteem on the part of the friend seeking the advice.

So what is the answer? Should you never give advice to anyone?

(Well, here I am giving you advice about not giving advice!)

I would suggest spending some time with the person, exploring all the various facets of the problem and the pros and cons of all possible solutions as well as the potential barriers to implementing all possible courses of action. This will require good listening skills on your part as well as a great deal of (rational) empathy (emotional empathy may cause you to become too emotionally involved in the problem which may limit your ability to remain objective and impartial).

This will put your friend in the position of choosing a solution of him or herself and taking responsibility for it’s implementation. You are merely the facilitator of the process, therefore, and the coach along the way (should your friend feel that your input this regard could be useful). But here again it would be a matter of sounding out the person as to what they would like in terms of your role.

I would appreciate your comments!

 

 

Categories
Health and Happiness Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Anger and anger management: What anger can tell you about yourself and your relationship…

And why this is important.

 

What tends to make you really angry?

How do you behave when you get angry?

What happens between you and your partner when one of you gets really angry about something the other one did or didn’t do? How does the argument tend to proceed? Does anger escalate or can you both usually get to some agreement or resolution of the issue without there being an unpleasant scene?

 

Anger is, of course, a universal and necessary emotion. However, anger is also a unique experience as each of us will differ on what we get angry about and the way in which we express our anger.

We reveal a great deal about ourselves through our expression of anger and we invariably see another “side’ of our partner (and our friends and family) when we get the opportunity to witness the way in which they handle anger and conflict situations. I notice this time and again in my couple counselling sessions when partners are in unhappy and troubled relationships. Often a partner will report to me that they have been “turned off” by their spouse after witnessing how he/she behaves in a high conflict situation.  

Your anger will reveal to you (and to others) what issues you feel intensely passionate about. Anger tends to be triggered within an individual when there is an (often unconsciously) perception that their integrity has been challenged and/or deeply held convictions and values have been disrespected or undermined in some way.

In addition, the way in which a person handles their angry feelings has a significant impact on their relationships and also on their health. Individuals tend to fall into two groups: those who like to confront and deal with issues as they arise and the other group who tend to “bottle up” their anger and to avoid potential conflict situations.  I have found that individuals who are experiencing problems in their relationships usually often become more extreme in the way in which they habitually handle conflict.

Both approaches can thus be problematic, especially when goodwill, mutual understanding and respect have been eroded. Couples in this situation usually report that communication has become a serious problem in their relationship. 

What is the “take home message” here? I believe that we could all benefit by paying more attention to the role that anger plays in our lives – what makes us angry, how we express that anger, what impact our anger has on our relationships and whether or not work needs to be done (on either an individual or relationship level) to improve on anger management for the sake of  personal well-being and the important relationships in our lives.