Category: Maintaining Healthy Relationships

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

The Psychology of Couples Counselling: Are you sure that you and your partner are on the same page?

You and your partner have both decided that couple counselling would be a good idea, but first, are you certain that you agree on what is wrong?

Couples who arrive for couple counselling often say that they are here to “work on their relationship” or to “improve their communication”.

Often, though, each one arrives with the (often unconscious) intention of proving that they are right and that their partner is wrong and they try (hard) to convince the therapist that this is the case and to get the psychotherapist to see things from their point of view. Each person believes that if only their partner would change, then all will be perfect between them (as it was at the beginning of the relationship)!

When this is the case, it is important that each partner take on board that change needs to come from both individuals and both need to learn some sound relationship skills in order to get the relationship back on track.

 

In the next post I will write about hidden agendas relating to the goal of couple counselling – for example, when one partner wants to work on the relationship whilst their spouse is (sometimes privately) considering opting out.

 

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Couples: Practice good relationship hygiene to safeguard your relationship for the long haul!

In my couples and relationship counselling I see many partners who are out of sinc with each other. Some are at the point where their relationship has become a war zone!

I often ponder about how some relationships, which start out with some much love and caring, manage to deteriorate over time.

Of course, a number of researchers, such as Dr John Gottman, have looked into

this question in depth. Over forty years he has studied the dynamics of couples and relationships and has discovered that

happy couples work hard at understanding one another, and that they build up a mutual sense of safety and trust.

What is also vitally important is how couples deal with conflict. Happy couples tend to argue constructively. They do not let

their differences of opinion get to the stage where their arguements begin to erode the goodwill between them – they unconsciously (and consciously) “repair negativity” during conflict situations.

How does a couple successfully do this?

It is useful to, for example, have regular “meetings” with your partner (ideally on a weekly basis) where each of you gets a chance to air any problems or concerns (in connection with your partner and/or your relationship) that may have come up for you. Each person is given a chance to discuss what is on their mind. It is vital, though, thatyou both practice good “emotional attunement ” (Gottman, 2011) during these meetings – that you each listen to each other’s points of view in an open, accepting and non-judgemental manner (this is often very difficult!).  These meetings should be scheduled at times when you are both relaxed – such as at the weekend. We suggest that you find a 60 to 90 minute time slot where you can have have each others’undivided attention, with no outside distractions.

In this way you can often pre-empt and diffuse areas of potential conflict before they can snowball into dangerous, and potentially relationship damaging confrontations.

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Couples – revitalise your relationship this spring by coming for some relationship coaching!

Now that spring has arrived, we all tend to think about getting our bodies into shape and some of us even get motivated to do

a bit of spring cleaning!

At this time of year we often start to feel a personal sense of renewed optimism and purpose  – however, it is important not to overlook your relationship when doing your general overhaul – does it need a breathe of fresh air too?!

How can you accurately judge the current health of your relationship? (unfortunately we can often be in denial about this important issue).

Ask yourself (and your partner) the following questions:

* How good is your communication currently – can you talk openly and from the heart about yourself and your feelings to your partner?

* Are you caring, supportive and non-judgemental with each other?

* Can you have constructive arguements without resorting to criticism, avoidance and name-calling?

* Are you on the same wave-length emotionally?

* Do you enjoy each other’s company and do you regularly have fun together?

If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, it is probably a good time to get a relationship tune-up!

 

During September we are offering a special 4  ninety minute session package for couples in Wynberg, Cape Town

Feel free to Contact us for more information!

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Relationship Counselling. Couples: Do you understand the owner’s manual on your partner?

I bought a new printer the other day. The owner’s manual that accompanied it was so thick and dense that there was not a chance that I would even try to understand it. Luckily I had a more techno-savy friend who managed to set it up for me and now I only have to press various buttons and wondrous things happen, like scanning and faxing.

But if understanding a new appliance is hard, getting to know the inner workings of your intimate partner is in a different league altogether! However, if you don’t work on it, your relationship will probably deteriorate very quickly.

It is all about empathy and emotional attunement! John Gottman talks about understanding your partner’s love-maps, whilst the authors of “Love and War in Intimate Relationships”, Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin refer to the idea of an owner’s manual for your partner.  In this book, they mention some important questions you need to ask yourself in order to test your understanding of your spouse – for example:

* What three things can you say or do to make your spouse feel good?

* What three vulnerable areas does your partner have (that have probably been present since childhood)?

When your partner is challenged on one of this issues or is inadvertently triggered during an arguement, he/she will probably react extremely negatively.

* What is the most effective way to calm your partner down when he/she is upset?

* What are guaranteed ways of making him/her happy or excited?

* What can you do to bring a smile to his/her face?

If you are unsure about the answers to some of these questions, perhaps it would be a good idea to schedule some quality time alone with your partner (away from the kids and the other responsibilities of life) to get onto the same emotional wavelength and to begin to fill in the gaps in your Owner’s Manual!

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Couple Counselling: Pointers for Improving your Relationship: What happy couples can teach us about successful relationships

What are the secrets to a happy long-term relationship?

Because couples counselling is a special area of interest for me, I was especially

excited and intrigued to read  John Gottman’s new book “The Science of Trust”.

His research into the ingredients that make successful relationships has spanned over 40 years and makes fascinating reading.

He has found that happy couples tend to continually spend time and effort getting to know each other (they build “love maps” in which they get to know the inner workings of their partners mind, what matters to him/her, and knowledge about their loved one’s dreams and aspirations.

Happy couples tend to show fondness, respect and admiration for their partner,

they tend to habitually focus on their partners good points and strengths rather than on their weak points or perceived personality flaws).

In successful relationships, couples also tend to acknowledge the efforts made by their spouse to be helpful and emotionally available. This is termed “turning towards” the other by Dr Gottman. He states that

these three aspects create the first tiers of a “Sound Relationship House” for a happy and fulfilling relationship.

In a future post I will talk about Dr Gottman’s exploration of  the crucial role that trust plays in

intimate relationships.

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Understanding yourself – using your anxiety as a signpost.

What are you worried about and what makes you anxious?

Your anxiety can point the way to constructive change in your life and in your relationships

In my psychology practice I see many clients who struggle with anxiety and chronic worry. They are often so preoccupied by their anxiety that they feel their lives have become limited, self-involved and essentially unsatisfying.

Most people just want to stop worrying and feeling anxious – that is understandable and a worthwhile short-term goal. However, the nature of their anxiety can point the way to understanding what is important to that particular individual, and this is important to understand if we are wishing to achieve a more holistic, long-term solution to their problems and issues.

For example, I had a client recently who was extremely anxious because of a perceived failure of sexual performance, specifically premature ejaculation. During our first session it became clear that he was placing so much pressure on himself  to perform because the relationship with his partner was extremely important to him. He was actually trying desperately hard to please her – but in a way that was having the opposite effect – he was getting more and more anxious and she was feeling “turned off”.

So the anxiety which brought my client into treatment highlighted the importance of addressing the relationship issues – and for that reason I recommended couple counselling to my client – so that he could get his partner on board to support his treatment for his anxiety and sexual performance concerns but also to understand how his partner was experiencing the problem, what she felt she needed from him in terms of their relationship, and to improve their communication, and ultimately, their relationship.

It was also revealed, as therapy progressed, that there were deep roots to my client’s anxiety. Since childhood he had been suffering from low self-esteem – he had had a stutter and, as a result, was teased mercilessly by other children at school. He became avoidant and extremely distrustful of people in general. These effects were still evident in his current life.

So my client’s presenting anxiety provided the both the impetus for treatment and also led, like a paper-trail, to the underlying  problems and issues in his life.

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Maintaining Healthy Relationships Psychology in practice

Cape Town Psychologist on: Relationships in Couples – Can you do something to save your relationship?

I have a number of very distressed partners coming to see me for couples counselling at present, at my psychology practice in Wynberg. They either come together (usually one partner brings along a reluctant other half) or on their own because their partner refuses to come.
What can you as an individual do to improve your relationship?

1. Hone your communication and anger management skills

As it takes two people to maintain a destructive arguement, you can make the decision to communicate your needs clearly and to fight fair. If you find you are not able to break the negative cycle you may need to consult someone like a psychologist or psychotherapist to help you master the necessary mind-set and skills.

2. Take personal responsibility for your own actions.

Of course your partner behaves in a way that infuriates you. However, you can make the choice not to react in a negative and destructive way. It is important to find ways that work for you.

3. Accept that constant nagging and criticism will not heal your relationship.

In order to change your interaction pattern into something positive you will need to start focusing on what is good about your partner and to reinforce that. This is hard but necessary. Remember Gottman’s 5:1 ratio – good relationships are characterised by communication that consists of a ratio of approximately five positive, constructive comments to one negative comment.

I suggest you make a start and make some positive changes now before it is too late for your relationship to recover!

For any comments or queries, please contact us.

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Relationship Building

Relationships gone bad – will couple counselling help?

Last week I wrote about possible reasons why some individuals stay in relationhips that have become toxic.

What do I mean by toxic relationships?

Signs to look out for:

If you, as a couple, are emotionally enmeshed with each other (you feel that you cannot imagine your life without the other person) but simultaneously you are both making each other totally miserable? Do you yourselves caught up in recurring negative and hurtful patterns of interaction? Is there a lack of respect and a sense that you are being taken for granted?

You may find there are periods when things between you seem to be going well, but then your relationship goes back into a recurrent, negative cycle.

Dysfunctional relationships are also characterised by criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (John Gottman’s “The Four Horseman of the Apocolypse”*).

You find yourself preoccupied by angry, resentful thoughts and a sense of frustration when you think about your partner. You feel helpless to change the dynamic of the relationship. These thoughts start to interfere with your life and your ability to cope and be happy.

Reference: Gottman, J. M. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide…New York: Three Rivers’ Press

Can couple counselling be of help when relationships have become toxic?

The short answer is “yes” – provided that both partners are motivated to work on changing their relationship for the better. Not all relationships can, or should be, saved of course, but at a minimum, couple counselling will provide the opportunity for each member of the couple to re-evaluate their relationship in order to decide whether or not there is some potential for improvement.

 

Next time I will write about how individuals can begin to constructively address problems in their relationships.

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Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress Psychology in practice

Couples in toxic relationships – why do some of us persevere with destructive relationships?

When you know if your heart of hearts that your intimate relationship has become a major source of stress and unhappiness in your life , why don’t you break it off?

All your friends and family are giving you a consistent message that you would be better off without your current partner, why do you steadfastly resist their advice?

In my Cape Town psychology practice I often get clients who find themselves stuck in this position – they often feel desperate – they love their partner but he/she drives them crazy. They have often been in a destructive relationship for a long time and are feeling at the end of their tether.

Why won’t they admit that their relationship is doing them psychological harm, end it and move on with their lives?

The reasons people stay in toxic relationships are often complex and driven by largely unconscious factors such as:

 

1. The comfort of the familiar

In many cases there is the feeling that the bad relationship is comfortable in a sense, because it is known and predictable.

2. Needing to be needed

Clients often reveal a fear that their current relationship may be their last – that they will not find anyone else if they break off  their current relationship. There is a fear of being alone forever.

3. Trying to avoid “bad” feelings

Ending a relationship usually precipitates a sense of loss and mourning, with associated feelings of sadness (and even misery), anxiety, panic, and sometimes may trigger depression. Avoidance is a natural and normal tendency in the circumstances. However, we all need to face such feelings if we want to transform our lives for the better.

3. Poor self-esteem

Some individuals believe that they are not deserving of a caring, supportive relationship and of a happy, fulfilled life. There are, of course, always a number of unique, complex reasons for such an outlook. Often the underpinnings are to be found in the person’s early life experiences.

4. Not being able to say “no” or get their needs met

Clients caught up in toxic relationships often report that they feel unable to insist that their own needs get acknowledged – they often nag their partner to change but to no avail. They are in many cases locked into a co-dependent, enabling dynamic with their parnter where they feel helpless to change things for the better.

5. Believing one’s partner must/will change

Often I will hear “If only my partner were to realise the error of his/her ways and change for the better, our relationship would be good”.

This is a normal, but unfortunately, misguided belief!

It is crucial to accept that we can only change ourselves, if we become more strategic and positive in our interactions with our partners, our relationships have a chance to transform. However, if the other person in the relationship is not motivated to similarly change for the better, you may be doing yourself a big favour if you decide that enough is enough and to move on with your life!

Categories
Life in General Maintaining Healthy Relationships Managing stress

Cape Town Psychologist talks about: Parents, relationships, teenagers and exam stress.

How can parents help their teenage children to cope better in the build up to the end of year exams?

In my psychology practice I am seeing a number of teenagers at the moment who are starting to feel the pressure of looming end of year exams. One of my clients, who is in Grade 12, routinely stays up till 2.30 in the morning so that she can feel adequately prepared for the next day of school! Her parents are at their wits’ end because they feel their efforts to help their daughter have fallen on deaf ears.

Relationships between parents and their teenagers can come under serious strain during exam preparation time, especially for those with kids in Grade 11 and 12.  Schools and teachers tend to place a great deal of pressure and high expectations of their learners to do well, and in teenagers who are already internally driven to do well, the stress can become overwhelming and debilitating.

How can parents be of help to their children during this time?

1. Don’t get triggered by your teenager’s behaviour and attitude.

Teenagers are at a developmental stage where their brains are not yet fully developed and they are subject to hormonal surges and changes. They are thus often irrational, selfish, and idealistic – add to this the considerable stress of the upcoming exams and you have an extremely volatile personality to deal with! Try to be understanding and empathic, even though this may be extremely difficult! (You will probably need to find ways of dealing positively with your own stress levels – perhaps through exercise, talking to friends, yoga or meditation – and maybe all of these!).

2. Use your child as a consultant – listen to what your child has to say in terms of how you can be of help.

You may feel you are trying your best to help your teenager, but perhaps they may have their own ideas of how you can be of help. If you are tending to nag them about certain things, like getting to bed on time, your child may be perceiving this as adding to his/her stress. Your child may, in fact, come up with novel ways in which you can be a significant support.

3. Think strategically!

If your efforts in the past have not been met with a positive response by your teen, try something new. Advertising companies are very aware that if their campaigns don’t bear fruit, they will need to find another angle. As parents, we are also in the business of persuasion – and parenting to teenagers is definitely an example of a tough sell!

4.  Listen to yourself speak.

We need to be constantly aware of how we say things and the vocabulary we use as emtionally loaded words are easily able to trigger our unconscious.  Words and phrases such as “must”, “should”, “have-to”, “always” and “never” can cause instant feelings of  anxiety, stress, and panic in ourselves and also in the person we are speaking to (see more about this in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT).

As our unconcious minds do not process negatives, for example “don’t panic”, it is better to state ideas as a positive such as “remain calm” and suggest that your teenager “take things one step at a time”.

In future posts, I will return to this discussion.

Please contact me with any comments or queries.